what is that look on your face?

D showed up on time yesterday, drunk. At least enough so that he refused a breathlyzer, which he has never done.

I took the babies out for some fun yesterday morning, timing it so we'd get home about that same time that he was (supposed to) arrive. Ironically, I pulled up to a stop light just a few cars away from his, and watched him pull into the drugstore. Hmmm...my radar went off immediately. He arrived about 30 minutes later, with a bag from the store, so at least I knew that he had gone in for something other than just alcohol.

After a brief convo, and watching him interact with the kids I went to get the breathalyzer. He took it, turned it over and over in his hands a few times, and said "I'm not gonna pass it. I won't take it."  My response was to tell him that he needed to leave. I didn't push him out the door. It was lunchtime by then and he stayed long enough to watch the babies eat. Didn't do a damn thing to help, but why would he. He finally told S he was going to go. She didn't question, but did walk him to his car like she always does. Then, as usual, she ran inside and ran to the window so she could watch him pull away. I don't know. Something in her face, her expression as she looked out the window just brought me to tears. I could tell she was upset, but she was trying hard not to be, or at least not to let it show.

She walked back to the kitchen, where I was FIGHTING to hide my tears and said "mommy, what is that look on your face?" I just let it go at that point. I want her to know it's ok to cry, and be sad, and that I'm sad too. Now granted, I'm sad for HER, not sad for me, but we don't need to go there, lol. I grabbed her, and hugged her, and asked if she was ok. She said no, that she didn't want daddy to go. I told her that I know she didn't, and it's ok to be sad.

A bit later, we were lying in my bed resting while the babies were napping. She said "you don't have that look on your face anymore." Damn, smart, intuitive girl. "No baby. I feel better now. How are you?" She told me she was still sad, and missed daddy.

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed she asked me why daddy didn't stay that day. I said "I don't know. I guess he had other things to do." She said "no. that's not what happened." UM,huh, what?! I asked her what happened and she said "you asked daddy to do something and he didn't do it, and you told him to leave." Dear lord. This could snowball so many different ways. Her thinking she has to listen to EVERY little thing I say or I'm going to send her away. Her thinking I'm the bad guy telling daddy to leave. etc, etc.

It's hard to be here, and this point, with her. I will NOT talk badly about him to her, I just won't. At the same time, it seems like she may be ready for more "truth" than I thought. This is so hard.