I saw a pin on Pinterest this morning that floored me. It's one of those that hit right *there.*
I suppose, on some level, I KNEW that ultimately it wouldn't work between us. I was raised witnessing relationships (parents, both sets of grandparents, etc) that stayed together, no matter what. All in all, 3 very good relationships to have as models. When I met D, I guess I assumed that although there were issues, we would weather any storm, because that's what you did.
I had to shovel a massive amount of snow yesterday. I don't think since D moved out that I have ever had that woe is me attitude. That's just not my personality. Now cursing, and being pissed off, YES. Every Thursday night when I drag the dumpsters to the curb I curse him. When I was dealing with infertility, I handled it much the same as I did D. Head down, trudging through, knowing that I would see the other side.
As I was shoveling yesterday, my 3 kids inside, hoping against hope that the TV would entice them enough while I was outside, I said a silent "thank you" to D. Despite all the crap, my relationship with him, and its demise, taught me that I can do anything. ANYTHING. Yes, I have no choice, but that's not necessarily the way I see it. It's proving to myself that I can do whatever needs to be done. Of course, this does not bode well for any guy that may come AFTER D, lol.
It feels like a really big step to have reached the point where I was thankful.
But really, what the words below mean to me is that without D I would not have the 3 wonderful little people that I have. I may have had others (or not), but they would not be the three that made me a mother. For this, I will be thankful to him always. And now I'm crying.
And then, on the flip side, is the fact that he has not been to see his kids since Thursday night (it's Tues). He promised S that he would see her on Saturday. She reminded me on Saturday that he would be there, and I was hopeful, but I played it off with a "we'll see."
Later that afternoon, while the twins were sleeping, she looked at me and said "I guess he's not coming after all." My heart broke for her. Shattered. I'm crying again. FUCKER. He still hasn't made contact with me. I know he's alive b/c he's logged on to FB. GOD, I just want to tell him he can't see her. But what will that do to her? Or him, for that matter. It might kill him, literally. And, because he's a stubborn ass, he'd fight me on it, telling me that legally he can see her. It would be such a mess. But what sort of mess is he creating in that little head of hers? I'm trying to pick up the pieces from this horrible mess he is making, but I can't pick them all up. S is holding on to the stuff. That's her personality. She's serious, and takes things to heart, and is easily hurt, emotionally.
I know it has been a rough road, but that quote is absolutely perfect. S, A & C are so worth all of the heartache, anger, upset, sadness, etc. The joy, love, & happiness you have been blessed with each day rivals all of the bad stuff, a million times over. I love that you have come to the realization that you CAN do this. You ARE doing this. YOU ARE AMAZING!! It's been a tough lesson to learn, but the mere fact that at this point you can feel that sense of thankfulness is so incredibly amazing. You have so much to be thankful for. The babies & the lessons. It's been a rough road, but you are emerging on the other side so much stronger. So much braver. Collisions suck, but it's not the collision that matters - it's how you come out on the other side. You are not only proving to yourself how amazing you truly are, but you are proving it to your children. THAT is more important than you can imagine. I know how much you worry about S and how this is effecting her. I worry about her too because I see so much of the little girl I was in her.... dealing with turmoil at home, holding on to all of it, bottling it up, with it eating away at me, emotional & easily hurt.... The huge difference between S and myself though is that she has YOU. A mother who loves her with every ounce of her being. A mother who would move heaven and earth to help her when she needs it. A mother who talks things out with her and doesn't ignore her feelings. A mother who is showing her true strength, true love and true courage. She will surely be effected by D's behavior but she will also be effected by yours. She will be ok. Keep being who you are. Keep loving her. You can't stop how she will end up feeling about her father in the end, but you can keep fostering the amazing relationship that you have with her and THAT will save her. I know it will.
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