D has been doing well, (not drinking-wise, NEVER drinking-wise), but mental health-wise things are better. I knew it would happen with Christmas out of the way. In addition to getting past the holidays, who also told me last weekend that when he went to order new meds, he realized he'd been out of two KEY meds for 2-3 weeks (that was an estimate). I knew it. I KNEW it. His spiral (increased anxiety and depression) caught me attention a few weeks ago and I asked about his meds. He said he was taking them all. It's part of the illness. He wasn't trying to LIE about it., he thought he WAS taking them all. But, it answers a lot of questions.
Last weekend, we had some good conversations, not about us, but just in general. More than just him ranting about sports or something he saw on CNN. He came over on NYE, sober, and stayed for a few hours. As he was getting ready to leave, I was in S's room playing with all 3 babies. Is it weird I still call them babies, lol?!?! I asked what he was doing that night, and he said going home and planning to be asleep by 10. He reminded me that his only "going out" friend had moved out of state. He said something about going back to his little cave and chilling on the couch. I asked if he was fine with that and he said "actually, yes I am. It works for me." I oddly enough felt a bit of relief to hear him say that. It made it seem like I hadn't forced him into that lifestyle (even though I know I didn't).
Somehow, I have no idea how, we started talking about kids, generally. He said "I could never raise another man's kids." I just looked at him. My mouth must have been hanging open. There were sarcastic comments swimming in my head. But, then I shut my mouth. I realized his comment was not directed at me. As usual, in the narcissistic attitude of an addict, it was all about him. He had no idea that he had just pissed me off, scared me to death and made me anxious all at the same time.
I'm getting close to being ready to maybe THINK about trying to date. Maybe. But then, there's the question...who wants someone with 3 little ones trailing along behind her. I had never thought seriously about this, until D made the comment. It was honesty at its best, from a man. And I'm sure he's not the only one to think that way.
Way to set me up, asshole.
First, I'm glad that D realized he wasn't taking some of his very important meds and it seems like he's now back on them since he is acting *somewhat* better. That being said, how dare he make a comment like that about raising another man's kids! Even if it wasn't directed toward you, he should think before he opens his mouth. But again, it's the addict in him that really doesn't give a flying F about anyone but himself. Please, do NOT take what he said to heart. Yes, he may have been honest when he said that and yes, he is a man... however, he is an addict who can't comprehend caring for his own kids let alone someone else's. I promise you that there are men out there that won't shy away from a woman with children. Heck, I personally know men who have stepped up and raised another man's children. They exist and truthfully, would you want to be with a man who wouldn't accept your babies as part of the package? Please don't let his comment stress you for a single moment. I promise you that there is a man out there perfect for you. Perfect for your situation. Perfect for your babies. Those children are a blessing and anyone would be privileged to have them, and you in their life.
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