Christmas take 1

As promised, this weekend was full of cookies (baking and eating!!) and Christmas music, and general fun (I hope...I tried)!!

D did not come over on Saturday. Finally, Sat night I messaged him asking what his plan was for Sunday, since his brother and family were due in town. He responded that he'd be there by 11 and that he had asked his brother a few times about what to have for dinner and his brother never answered blah blah. I responded with 1) stopping blaming others and worry more about being a good father instead of what we'd have for dinner. 2) that his brother wasn't planning on coming until about 4:30 so no need to come early unless if he didn't want to.

He didn't show up until about 2. Once 11 am hit, I started getting anxious and ruminating about why he wasn't there. Was it b/c I pissed him off about the "good father" comment, or b/c he really didn't want to be there and b/c I had given him the out, he was putting it off, was he being passive-aggressive, etc.

He was as sober as D could be. I noticed as we got close to 4:00 he was not looking so great.  I did feel for him. He was trying, he had tried by not being drunk when he arrived. He started showing some signs of withdrawal, the shaking, the sweating, some gagging. I asked him if he was ok. He said "I could use some wine." It wasn't said in the addict way, it was said like "I could use some Tylenol" if I had a headache. I quickly weighed my options and chose to pour him a glass.  I wasn't worried about him getting drunk, I was worried more about a seizure or something like that. I handed him the glass and he could not grasp it from me. He asked me to put it on the counter. He had to hold it the way my toddlers hold a sippy cup, firmly with two hands.  My heart  broke a little bit and I had to fight the tears.  It's just not fair.  This illness is nasty, and it's eating him alive, and I am witness to it.

Brother in law and family came and things were good. Honestly, this was the MOST comfortable I've ever been with them. They live out of town and we only see them a few times a year. But here I was, in MY house, not having to feel anxious for D, not having to feel responsible for his actions, and I actually enjoyed myself.

He did as well as he could. At dinner, I noticed several times that he could not keep the food on his fork, which leads me to believe there's definitely some anxiety related stuff going on, as he had enough alcohol in his system to at least stabilize.

Prior to everyone arriving, I confronted him about why he hadn't been over in a week. He said that he couldn't leave the condo. He said his depression was worsening, and I mentioned that clearly the anxiety was also worsening, if he couldn't leave his house. I suggested he call his doc to get an increase in his meds to get through the winter (historically his worst time of year). He said he had thought about, but left it at that.

Like my heart broke for D, my heart also broke for S earlier that day when she asked if daddy would be over for Christmas (meaning last night). She was clearly troubled with the thought of not seeing him. I'm so glad he showed up, for her.