the weekend before Christmas

All of the shopping is done, most of the wrapping is done. Now, I bake and clean my house, and enjoy my kids.
There was more about the comment I made yesterday (regarding being happy and in good spirits this holiday season) than I had time to write about. D is not, and has never been, a family guy, or a holiday guy, or a guy that prefers anything that is outside of the norm. S has unfortunately inherited a bit of this last piece, but I'll do what I can to help with that. Holidays in our home, wherever that might have been, was always minimal. This was strange to me, coming from a family that OVER celebrates Christmas. Sure, I always required putting up a tree, and a few decorations, but that's really where it ended. Very minimal, and he never helped with the decorating, he just honestly had no interest. D doesn't like Christmas music, so I didn't play it. He doesn't eat sweets (so I (mostly) didn't bake.) I remember last year I did make some cookies and he asked why. Duh, dummy, it's Christmas, you BAKE at Christmas. You give as gifts, or just enjoy, but you BAKE. My mom was notorious for baking dozens of cookies each Christmas, and my dad and I gladly ate them:) S was old enough to enjoy cookies last year, so I made them.

So this weekend, I'm going to CRANK up the Christmas music, BAKE the crap out of some cookies, and enjoy my kids. And I am so excited to get to do it. S is SO excited for Christmas, although the twins don't "get" it yet. Last year I was excited for S to experience Christmas, this year I am excited to experience it, for the first time in a long time, how I was raised. I should preface this by saying that D NEVER said "we can't do this or that," but I always put his feelings/needs above my own.

And gosh, this time last year, wow. What a place I was in. It was probably almost exactly a year to the day that D agreed to go to treatment the day after Christmas. I remember feeling a sense of relief, but knew in my heart it would be short lived.

Interestingly enough, after I told my parents about him moving out, my mom mentioned to me that she and my sister noted that I did not act happy last Christmas. I was short, and clearly not happy, and sometimes even mean in things I said to D.

I'm curious what Sunday night will bring. D's brother and family are coming in town to have our Christmas dinner.  I've really stood my ground in regards to that situation. For decades, it's been their families tradition to have a very classic, elegant sit down dinner, with multiple forks and glasses, etc. After their grandmother died, D's mom picked up the tradition. After she died, it was on us. This past weekend, M asked me if D was going to cook dinner. I just looked at him, thinking this is MY house. He's out of there finally, and I've worked hard to make it known that it's not his anymore. Why in the hell would I want him back in HIS kitchen, bitching about where I've put things, how late people are, and being an all around ass. So, I laid down the law and said that D was not cooking (and I don't cook). The verdict: we're ordering out:) I hated to be the one to break their tradition, but we'll have a nice dinner regardless and I guess traditions are made to be broken. I'm still incorporating a lot of their traditions, but there will not be a coursed meal (prepared by D).

I haven't talked to D since he left on Sunday. I'm not sure if this is the beginning of the end of him being a father, or if he is just generally binging and it's a coincidence. I assume he'll show on Sunday night, but God only knows what state he will be in.