S and I are back from our trip, but unfortunately that's not where my mind is today.
We did have a fabulous time. And there were times when I actually cried; realizing that 5 years ago, I wasn't even sure I'd be able to experience taking my child to this place. But as we walked in the gate, me pushing her stroller, I cried. Tears of happiness. Tears of thankfulness and gratefulness that I was getting to experience this with her, with ANY child.
She didn't mention D the entire time. It wasn't until we were flying home and she colored a picture for him, that she even said "daddy." I think that speaks volumes, and makes me so sad.
He flaked out before our trip, and after the incident on Friday night, did not come over on Sat or Sun. I'm certain he was binging.
On our flight down, S and I sat directly behind the general manager for our baseball team. I knew exactly who he was, and somehow I found the courage (this is NOT normally me, lol), to ask for a pic with him. Of course, he obliged. In a drunken stupor I'm sure, D saw the pic on FB one nigh and commented that "you are fucked if you took a boyfriend on a trip with my daughter." The comment was SO laughable. At first I thought he was so drunk that he did not recognize this guy. I was more pissed than anything that he thinks so little of me as a mother that I would ever take a boyfriend on a trip with my child. And then there's the issue of WTH business is it of his, anyway? It's NOT! I called him out on his comment, which is promptly deleted. I assumed he had realized who was in the pic with me.
When I questioned him about it this weekend, I realized he really didn't know who it was. This is shocking for D, a HUGE sports fan, and major fan of all STL sports. I honestly feel like there's some sort of brain issue going on. Like, things aren't functioning as they should. He's not making appropriate connections. It scared me. He said his comment was "drunk talk" and that it should be ignored.
He surprisingly showed up for S's b-day. I was shocked. I had invited him, of course, but honestly didn't expect him to show up. But he did. And he looked like hell. I mean really, like HELL. It didn't help at all, but I feel like it's b/c he COULDN'T help. He's been zapped of all life. Later than night I was talking to his brother, who said he saw D trying to up wrap a cupcake for C, and couldn't get the wrapper off b/c he was shaking so badly.
One of my best friends was at the party. She has lots of personal experience with alcoholism as well as being an addiction counselor in the past. She's told me on prior occasions that she's never seen anyone as sick as him. On Saturday, she told me that her heart hurt for him. Mine does too, but it hurts for my children more. This addiction is robbing them of a nurturing relationship with their father.
I have SUCH a hard time making the distinction of him vs the addiction. I know there are lots of people that look at him and see a "drunk." I get it. Trust me, I do. But I've also had the experience of D. When I think about D vs alcoholic, my heart does hurt for him, it does. But I'm getting to the point that I can barely look at him. I don't like him. I don't like what he represents. And that makes me so sad. He is a person that is being ravaged by this disease. No, it's not cancer, but it's still a disease and it's KILLING him.
I feel like I'm watching him die. But I also struggle with just wanting to hate him. Hating him would be so much easier. It's the caring that zaps me of all energy.
He came over on Sunday. I knew he was drunk. But, he wasn't causing any issues, was entertaining the kids. I let him stay. After the twins went down for their nap, I asked if he'd take a test. He didn't hesitate. That's when I realized how drunk he really was. There's a time in his drunkeness that he will refuse a test b/c he know it'll be positive. But then, he crosses the line and gets that feeling of being indestructible. That's where he was on Sunday. He blew a .14, which means that when he first showed up he was twice the legal limit (although with his tolerance was only acting like someone who'd had 3 beers).
He immediately said the test wasn't accurate. Tried all sorts of illogical justifications. He eventually left. I told him i wanted to report him as a drunk driver. "Why would you do that to me?" And then, 10 secs later, "I can be in xx in 4 minutes or xx in 2 minutes" referring to a different municipality than the one I would report to. These are the situations in which I want to hate him. When S why he was leaving, he said "because sometimes I'm not a very good daddy."
First, I am so thankful that you were able to experience taking S to Disney. I swear, *I* had to hold back tears as I saw each pic pop up on the computer. They were all amazing, magical, filled with love and memories that will last a lifetime... something that you both completely deserved. I'm just beyond happy that you became a mother not once, but 3x and that your heart is so full of love now.
ReplyDeleteI didn't see the comment that D posted on the pic of you and the the baseball manager, but I did see your comment to D about it. I CANNOT believe that he'd post that!Even in a drunken stupor, how could he say something like that? Yes, it is laughable but more than that it's just sad. Not that you would sneak away with S and a new boyfriend... but is it any of his business if you did? I hope that someday there will be a new man in your life and you know what, D is going to have to accept that. He has no choice in the matter. I'm just dumbfounded time and time again with his logic, or lack thereof.
I noticed right away how terrible he looked at S's party. I mean, you couldn't miss it! You are right, this disease is killing him, but unlike a cancer patient who would do ANYTHING to just live, D is doing the opposite. He doesn't care. He continues on and on with the behavior that is killing him. You can't force him to get well. That is on him. Of course your heart hurts for him. He was your husband. He is the father of your children. You were friends. All of that has been robbed from you because of his disease... but it doesn't stop you from remembering the good. Sometimes though, we have to let go - not because you don't care, but because they don't. I've recently struggled A LOT with a very dysfunctional member of my family - no addiction problem - that would probably make things easier to wrap my brain around - but rather someone who has used and abused me my entire life. I lived day in and day out feeling sorry for them. Feeling guilty that I was not doing enough to make our relationship better, etc. etc. etc. Then it dawned on me that I was being completely foolish. A relationship isn't one-sided. Two people have to give to make it work, no matter if it's a wife & husband, brother & sister, mother & daughter, etc. Things are just so one-sided that I was exhausted, physically and emotionally by giving my all only to get nothing in return. D doesn't give you ANYTHING positive any more. Every interaction you have with him is a struggle. Nine times out of ten, it seems as if his being with his children is more of an obligation than a desire. Yes, it makes you sad. Yes, it breaks your heart... I wouldn't expect any different because I know that you and I are a lot alike. However, one day something will flip a switch in you and it'll get easier. You'll see that the D you knew and loved isn't there. You will move past all the guilt and things will get brighter for you and for the babies. Yes they are losing out on a relationship with D, but maybe the less time spent with someone who obviously is not a good role model, doesn't care, is so ridiculously selfish isn't a bad thing after all. You are an amazing woman who has given D far more time, understanding and help than he probably deserves. The love I see in the babies eyes for you (and vice versa) is unmatched. With such a strong mother in their lives, their hearts are full. I promise. Continue being the strong, brave person I know that you are. Don't allow anyone to stomp on your heart, break you down or drag you into their darkness. There is so much more to smile and be happy about!