ugh. got caught in it again

Fairly certain D is on the front end of a binge, while I'm dealing with a crapload of work, sick kids, a dirty house and no time for Christmas to-dos.
He came over for S's bday yesterday, and all was well. We had previously decided that I would get gifts for her and he would give me some money, which he did. I'm still bitter though that he didn't think to get anything for the twins.

The plan was for him to come over tonight as well. I woke this morning to a feverish A, so had no choice but to stay home. C had a fever yesterday, so I also had to keep him home. It made no sense to take S to the sitter, so I was home with all 3 trying to get all my work done in preparation for being out of town next week.

I sent D a message about 8:30am asking if he could come over earlier (really WTF else does he have to do??). He saw the message at 11:30, but I never heard from him. He showed up at 5:30, his usual time, saying he had just recently saw my message. I totally called him out on the lie, telling him I know he saw it at 11:30. He just mumbled something. Then, I realized he had been drinking.

I really needed a break, like REALLY, so I let it go. I ran downstairs to do some laundry, leaving him to "help" with the babies while they were having dinner.

I came back upstairs and he started in with his sports talk, talking about the most recent deal made by some random team. I totally interrupted him and asked the status of his disability app. He told me it was denied, he found out about 2 weeks ago. I then told him he must have lied to me the last time I asked him which was less than 2 weeks ago and it was still being processed. He told me he has a bad memory.

I asked what his plan was. To get an attorney. When? Soon. When's soon? Why are you nagging me? I find it interesting how you can quote every freaking sports show, but don't seem to have any desire to do something that would possibly give you an income. That totally set him off. Then, his delusional, illogical drunk talk started. I'm only legally required to be here 4 days a month (where the FUCK he came up with that is beyond me). I said REQUIRED? You feel like you're REQUIRED to be here? You can leave now. I don't NEED you here. Oh, you needed me this morning. Yes, I asked for your help this morning, which was met with silence. Thanks for that. THIS is the reason I don't live here anymore. Should I leave? Do you want to take a test? No? Then you need to leave. He's getting ready to leave when S walks up and hugs him. He at least hugs her back and then head to the door. You have two other children? Are you going to tell them goodbye? Shut up. Are you going to tell them good-bye?
He left without a good bye to the twins and said "what a bitch" as he closed the door.

I was livid, and SO sad for Sophie. I started crying. Poor girl ran up and hugged me. She asked why daddy couldn't listen to my rules. We talked about the fact that it's ok to cry and mommy's have to cry too sometimes.

Bastard! Fucker! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate that I got caught up in it. I HATE it. But I did.

I am SO not going to feel guilty when S and I get on that plane on Monday. I've been feeling super guilty. Guilty that I took the money he gave me for presents. Guilty for taking S on a trip without him. Guilty b/c I don't have a Christmas present for him. And then, this shit happens. What am I thinking?!

And then, I realized last night that I needed to tell his brother I did not want him to meet us at Disney. This is MY life, I need to stop letting things happen TO me, and take control of my life. I sent a text this morning, nicely explaining that I understand his need to come with us, but that I hope he understands my need to spend time alone with Sophie. He then responds "let's talk this out." Um NOOOOO. I just told you NO. Deal with it. Neither one of us ever called each other, but it's not the end of it, I'm sure. I expect a call from him Sunday trying to change my mind. Just leave me the F alone. EVERYONE!!!!!