Busy weekend...

Starting with D (just to get his ass out of the way)...He came over on Friday to help me because I had all 3 kids at home all day. Things were ok. I did notice that he mentioned something to S about "our" neighbors, when she saw someone walk by. Um, no. Not your neighbors. MY neighbors. Before he left last Tues, he had asked if I'd help him with his timesheet...I told him that I would, if he could prove to me that he had started the application process for healthcare.

On Friday, he told me he'd hit a road block with healthcare app and that he could only choose married or divorced, and that married was much more expensive. Duh. Select the divorce box. He said he didn't want to commit fraud. What the fuck ever. CHOOSE DIVORCE.

He showed up on Saturday 45 minute late. I had scheduled a last minute haircut, giving him a chance to stay with the kids for less than an hour. I bet you can guess what's coming...by the time I got back from the appt, he was "acting funny." Moving more slowly. I asked him to help get kids in their coats so we could leave for a party. He handed A a coat that was two years old and clearly wouldn't fit. Didn't seem to understand my frustration. Put S in the car without a coat entirely. I had a feeling he was drunk and grabbed the breathalyzer as I headed out the door. He refused to take it. He was absolutely useless at the party. I may as well have been by myself. Fast forward a few hours and we were home, babies were playing and he was passed out on the couch, MY couch, snoring. I checked the trash and found a gator-ade bottle that had a bit of VODKA left in the bottom. I realized then that he had walked in with it, as he usually does with some sort of juice, gatorade, etc. S had asked if she could have a drink and he told he she couldn't because he had a cold. He's usually happy to share with her.
BASTARD. BASTARD. BASTARD. And, ridiculously naive me. I am literally sitting here shaking my head from my own stupidity.

I'm just so done. Again. Almost done with him as a person. He has no regard for anyone, not even himself.

Enough about that, as I'm starting to get worked up again.

I had three dates this weekend. Two with Justin (Thur and Sat) and one with Shane (Fri). Well....major change of events. Remember the chemistry I didn't think I had with Justin? Well, I found it:) I had really walked into the date on Thursday thinking it would be the last one, even thought I DO like him. Gotta have some chemistry, you know. We met for dinner and it was great. I just really like BEING with him. He makes me feel happy. I was sort of sad that I wouldn't see him again, and not really sure how to tell him. And then he kissed me...and it was SO much  better than the first one:)

Fri I met Shane for dinner. Ugh. It was fine, but he's just so fundamentally different than me. He's also pushy and really really direct. He asked me to be his girlfriend! Weird. To me anyway. I totally skirted the issue and never responded. He told me how much money he made. It was all just awkward. I hit me that I do not need to try to force anything, I can choose to be with who I want, and if it feels this odd now, it's only going to get worse. So, we did kiss afterwards, and made tentative plans for next weekend, only b/c I couldn't tell him no. I know. Horrible.  I left and immediately called Justin and talked to him all the way home. I WANTED to talk to him. That says something, I think.  I got a text from him Sat morning...ur soooooo hot. Ewww. Yuck. I didn't even respond. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? Maybe if I liked him more, I wouldn't have minded, but just yuck.

Sat was Justin again. He's going to install a new ceiling fan for me, so we went shopping for one, and then out to dinner. I hadn't totally made up my mind about Shane yet, although it was clear he had lost a lot of ground lol. But, Justin and I were having dinner, sitting at a bar eating, him eating a greasy cheeseburger and me eating a corned beef sandwich, sharing onion rings. It was comfortable, I didn't care if I spilled something, I didn't care if he saw me scarfing the onion rings, lol. That's when I knew Shane was officially out of the game:) We left dinner and went to a different bar for a beer. And side note: I cannot say how absolutely awesome it is to actually have a drink with a guy that is not going to turn into a drunk fest. He's completely responsible with his drinking.  We left that bar and headed to another and never made it inside lol. Lots of kissing:)  And hugs...and just feeling SAFE. I have not felt that for a very long time.

He's  been very open with his feelings from the start. I'm still skittish, and scared, and not wanting to give up any control (and he knows that and gets it), but I'm also feeling that starting to crumble a bit. I've found myself doing/saying something that I was thinking, that I know would make him smile, that I wouldn't have actually said before, JUST to make him smile. AND, I just literally looked over at my phone to see a text from him and I smiled:)

He made an observation on the phone last night. Something about how my profile is so direct (for lack of a better word), that my first paragraph mentions three young kids and don't bother to respond if that's in any way an issue. Then, apparently in one of my very first e-mails to him, I told him their ages and gave him the out to "run while he could." He's really intuitive. He mentioned both of these things and then a few other smaller things that I'd mentioned about my kids and caring for them and their importance to me, and it hit me that all of that stems from D. Although I framed it in a different way, I don't want to find someone else who's just going to leave me (again). I'm pushing people away without ever giving them the chance. It was eye-opening for me.