The facts

This is hard sometimes. I need to get this out now, or else I'll never be able to work today. To date (9 weeks by the way!), two issues have come up for me with Justin. I will be clear and say they were not issues, but more left-over crap from D, and J was the the lucky recipient. One happened last week when he let me know he'd dumped the ice out of the ice bin and was making fresh ice. He made a comment about how full the freezer was, blah, blah. Dan used to BITCH about the freezer. I took J's extremely innocent comments and twisted them until they were unrecognizable. I started to cry and finally told him that he had ripped off a band-aid and it had nothing to do with him. We talked about it (imagine!), and he was just so damn sweet, telling me he understood why the freezer was so full of chicken nuggets and hotdogs and that he'd help me rearrange the freezer so we could have a full ice bin PLUS all the food in there (instead of taking it to deep freeze in the basement). I was just clearly just PISSED at myself for taking something like that to the level I did, but more so, I was in awe and shock that he wanted to talk about it, figure out a solution, etc.

Last night, we were in my family room watching TV. We were sitting clos-ish, and I was rubbing his arm or something and he fell asleep. It COMPLETELY set me off. It was just a huge flashback (he actually used that word later) to me and D and some other point in time. Once I figured out he was asleep I went and got in bed, totally pissy. The longer he slept the more pissy I got. Let me preface this by saying he'd worked like 10 hours and it was after 10 pm. HELLO, the boy was tired. He finally came into the bedroom and saw that I was upset. We talked a bit, I cried, he held me, it was (mostly) over.  There was still some stuff festering in me, but more it was a thought that OMG he's going to think I'm too emotionally needed and decide to bolt, that it's too much for him. I did not admit that to him. I should have and will, maybe next time something like this comes up.

I HATE that D is still doing this crap. Even from far away, he is still controlling part of what I do/feel. I HATE IT. But, I'm so lucky to have J that is helping me work through it.

When I doubt that he'll stick around, I have to remember the facts. A few of the very recent ones are are: he has told his mom and sister about me, as well as his co-workers; he's shown them all pics of me AND my kids, he braved my parents; he tells me he loves me, he SHOWS me he loves me, he bought a Mother's Day card for my kids to sign b/c he knew no one else would, he's talked WAY into the future, we've discussed kids (as in our own...as if), he wants to know the names of all my friends and how we met and what they mean to me. He remembers everything I say and do. He remembers that I was wearing purple eyeshadow and purple scarf on our first date:).

He came to my house with a belated Mother's Day gift, a gift card to a local massage place that I used to go to. He'd overheard me talking to a friend about how it had been so long since I had a massage and how I used to have a "regular" guy that I always went to...so he googled massage places close to me, narrowed them down and took a chance that he was going to the right one. He did! And, after he gave me the card, he CALLED the store to make sure that my guy was still there. Really? Who does this!?!!?

Another super good one. He bought a tablet late last week. We were a the park on Mother's day and he was taking pics of the kids. We were home later, scrolling through the pics, and after those pics were done a few popped up of his son, after that, there were 3 more pictures. He had taken a picture of the birthday card I had given him (it was a sappy one), the front, the inside, and then the area where I wrote my own stuff. I said, very incredulously "you took a pic of the CARD I gave you?" He very simply said "what's wrong with that. I like being able to read it whenever I want."

This morning was the kicker though. Ww were lying in bed, just talking, but mostly just lying there. He said he loved me. Issues still left over from last night, I asked if he was sure (yes, kick me now, I deserve it). He said "I will love you as long as you let me." I was floored. I think that was the most honest and amazing thing that ANYONE has ever said to me. I was speechless. I don't think I ever did respond to it, I mean, how WOULD I respond?

These are the facts I need to remember when reservations about what he is feeling  and thoughts that he won't be around long seep into my head.

Sidenote: he left before the kids woke up this morning. After he walked out the door, I went to open the twins door. Avery immediately asked for him and I told her he had to go to work. She ran towards the front door screaming "Justin hug, Justin hug" devastated that she had missed him:(