I'm bawling.
He showed up. I can't see he looked like death; I've certainly seen him look much worse, but he did look bad. Very, very bloated. His fingers looked like sausages; tremors.
He sat next to me and the first thing out of my mouth was "you couldn't respond to helping me financially with the kids, but this you responded to right away?" He told me he's working with our advisor to liquidate some stocks and will be getting $5k to me soon. "I hope that helps a bit." I was honestly shocked.
He told me that he's working with an advocate of some sort to work through the disability issue. According to him, he was told that each child would get $250 a month, and the commission was another $250, but that he would get nothing. That does NOT seem right to me. He must have misunderstood. He should get a check, as well as the kids. Regardless...that seems to be moving along too.
The notary called us back and that point and it was short and sweet. Afterwards, he needed to stay and do something with the bank but told me Sierra (our dog) was in his car. So, I went out and found her and started petting her and started sobbing. I miss her. I collected myself and happened to look down at the car. The passenger side of the car looked like he'd side-swiped something. When I asked him about it later, turns out he hit the side of the condo building when parking. Not making excuses, but I've almost done this a number of times, over the 10 year period I lived there. But, I imagine he was drunk when he did it. I also noticed that he must have backed up into something. The bumper underneath the license plate is busted. There were many empty gatorade bottles in the car...no doubt at one time filled with some sort of alcohol.
He came out and we started talking. We talked more about the disability and how I didn't think what he'd been told (or what he THOUGHT he was told) was accurate. He told me he thinks about the kids every day, and that the only thing he has too look at are the pictures that they've colored for him. I lost it again. He couldn't see, since I had sunglasses on, and I kept myself in check, but he started crying too.
I just, I can't even say what I was feeling. It wasn't anger anymore, but not pity either. Maybe just sadness. I just looked at him with the tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt BAD. For him, for me, for our kids. NOT for our marriage...I need to make that clear. This divorce is the best thing that could be happening to me. I kept looking at him, thinking that there was not even the tiniest piece of the person I married in his body. That person is all gone. And THAT made me sad. It's almost like a piece of MY life has disappeared, along with him.
And now, as I type this, I am sobbing again. Big ugly tears.
He told me he can't see the kids until he can get himself healthy. He told me he's being seeing his psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Based on some things he's told her, she thinks he may be having seizures in his sleep. His MRI was relatively normal; no sign of a stroke, or anything like that. There is some plaque on his brain, but apparently this is normal for his age.
I don't know how it popped out of my mouth, but I asked if he would consider just talking to the kids on the phone. J had actually suggested this awhile ago, so that they get some sort of interaction with him. I was really up in the air about doing it, but out came the suggestion. He said "I need to take care of me before I can take care of them" which DID piss me off. It's a fucking PHONE call. I asked if he was saying it wasn't an option and he said that it WAS an option, but then he dropped it.
In all, it was more than civil. I was glad to get caught up on his medical stuff, and to see my sweet Sierra.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
fucking livid
D never responded to my e-mail practically begging for money. Not a word. It's been 6 weeks this week since he's had any contact with his kids.
On Monday, I talked to attorney, who received my notarized paperwork that will be filed next Monday. This will put the modification from legal separation to divorce into action. Attorney sent me another doc for Dan for Dan to sign, waiving his right to service. I e-mailed him Monday night, not really expecting a response, but he did that night. So, the welfare of his kids doesn't kick start an immediate response, but the thought of possibly getting served with papers did. Whatever. It pissed me off, but I moved on. We made a time to meet today to have him sign papers. Then yesterday, I realized that this doc also needs to be notarized. I e-mailed him to get his thoughts on where to meet, his bank, my bank, etc.
In typical Dan fashion, he took control (clearly feeling OUT of control in every other aspect). He named the time, as well as the location of the bank. Fine. This was yesterday afternoon.
Then this morning, I woke up to a text (and two frantic emails) from our financial advisor. She told me she was working on getting my Roth IRA transferred from my account to D's.
Sidenote: in our original agreement, I gave D my Roth. Don't ask me why the fuck I did that, just trying to be fair, I'm sure. Anyway, when our accounts were split last winter, this didn't get transferred to him.
So now, when he has avoided calls from our advisor for MONTHS, the thought of an impending divorce certainly gets his ass in gear. Advisor is a friend of ours, and so this morning mentioned "so, today is a big day, right?" I'm like, WHAT? "Your divorce decree is final today at 12, right?"
Then the pieces all came together for me. Bastard (again after NO contact with advisor in months), LIED to her about today, in order to get this Roth transferred, no doubt scared that he will lose out on that money.
All this work to get $8000, and he can't even respond to an e-mail to me about buying milk or fucking diapers for his kids. I had told my mom about the Roth and told her I wasn't going to say anything and if he forgot, the money would just stay as mine. Not much I can do with it, without penalty anyway, so I wouldn't use it, but I still like I had a bit of SOMETHING, in lieu of his giving me NOTHING.
FUCKING BASTARD. OMG, I just want to OUT him to his friends His friends that are so WORRIED about him and his well-being.
Anyway, meeting him in 30 minutes.
On Monday, I talked to attorney, who received my notarized paperwork that will be filed next Monday. This will put the modification from legal separation to divorce into action. Attorney sent me another doc for Dan for Dan to sign, waiving his right to service. I e-mailed him Monday night, not really expecting a response, but he did that night. So, the welfare of his kids doesn't kick start an immediate response, but the thought of possibly getting served with papers did. Whatever. It pissed me off, but I moved on. We made a time to meet today to have him sign papers. Then yesterday, I realized that this doc also needs to be notarized. I e-mailed him to get his thoughts on where to meet, his bank, my bank, etc.
In typical Dan fashion, he took control (clearly feeling OUT of control in every other aspect). He named the time, as well as the location of the bank. Fine. This was yesterday afternoon.
Then this morning, I woke up to a text (and two frantic emails) from our financial advisor. She told me she was working on getting my Roth IRA transferred from my account to D's.
Sidenote: in our original agreement, I gave D my Roth. Don't ask me why the fuck I did that, just trying to be fair, I'm sure. Anyway, when our accounts were split last winter, this didn't get transferred to him.
So now, when he has avoided calls from our advisor for MONTHS, the thought of an impending divorce certainly gets his ass in gear. Advisor is a friend of ours, and so this morning mentioned "so, today is a big day, right?" I'm like, WHAT? "Your divorce decree is final today at 12, right?"
Then the pieces all came together for me. Bastard (again after NO contact with advisor in months), LIED to her about today, in order to get this Roth transferred, no doubt scared that he will lose out on that money.
All this work to get $8000, and he can't even respond to an e-mail to me about buying milk or fucking diapers for his kids. I had told my mom about the Roth and told her I wasn't going to say anything and if he forgot, the money would just stay as mine. Not much I can do with it, without penalty anyway, so I wouldn't use it, but I still like I had a bit of SOMETHING, in lieu of his giving me NOTHING.
FUCKING BASTARD. OMG, I just want to OUT him to his friends His friends that are so WORRIED about him and his well-being.
Anyway, meeting him in 30 minutes.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
reaching out to D
I sent D an e-mail this morning. I typed it, stared at it, sent it to a friend to get her "permission" to send, and finally sent it.
The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house. A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.
So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.
Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.
I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.
My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.
If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.
In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk. Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.
The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house. A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.
So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.
Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.
I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.
My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.
If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.
In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk. Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.
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