I'm bawling.
He showed up. I can't see he looked like death; I've certainly seen him look much worse, but he did look bad. Very, very bloated. His fingers looked like sausages; tremors.
He sat next to me and the first thing out of my mouth was "you couldn't respond to helping me financially with the kids, but this you responded to right away?" He told me he's working with our advisor to liquidate some stocks and will be getting $5k to me soon. "I hope that helps a bit." I was honestly shocked.
He told me that he's working with an advocate of some sort to work through the disability issue. According to him, he was told that each child would get $250 a month, and the commission was another $250, but that he would get nothing. That does NOT seem right to me. He must have misunderstood. He should get a check, as well as the kids. Regardless...that seems to be moving along too.
The notary called us back and that point and it was short and sweet. Afterwards, he needed to stay and do something with the bank but told me Sierra (our dog) was in his car. So, I went out and found her and started petting her and started sobbing. I miss her. I collected myself and happened to look down at the car. The passenger side of the car looked like he'd side-swiped something. When I asked him about it later, turns out he hit the side of the condo building when parking. Not making excuses, but I've almost done this a number of times, over the 10 year period I lived there. But, I imagine he was drunk when he did it. I also noticed that he must have backed up into something. The bumper underneath the license plate is busted. There were many empty gatorade bottles in the car...no doubt at one time filled with some sort of alcohol.
He came out and we started talking. We talked more about the disability and how I didn't think what he'd been told (or what he THOUGHT he was told) was accurate. He told me he thinks about the kids every day, and that the only thing he has too look at are the pictures that they've colored for him. I lost it again. He couldn't see, since I had sunglasses on, and I kept myself in check, but he started crying too.
I just, I can't even say what I was feeling. It wasn't anger anymore, but not pity either. Maybe just sadness. I just looked at him with the tears rolling down his cheeks and I felt BAD. For him, for me, for our kids. NOT for our marriage...I need to make that clear. This divorce is the best thing that could be happening to me. I kept looking at him, thinking that there was not even the tiniest piece of the person I married in his body. That person is all gone. And THAT made me sad. It's almost like a piece of MY life has disappeared, along with him.
And now, as I type this, I am sobbing again. Big ugly tears.
He told me he can't see the kids until he can get himself healthy. He told me he's being seeing his psychiatrist every 6 weeks. Based on some things he's told her, she thinks he may be having seizures in his sleep. His MRI was relatively normal; no sign of a stroke, or anything like that. There is some plaque on his brain, but apparently this is normal for his age.
I don't know how it popped out of my mouth, but I asked if he would consider just talking to the kids on the phone. J had actually suggested this awhile ago, so that they get some sort of interaction with him. I was really up in the air about doing it, but out came the suggestion. He said "I need to take care of me before I can take care of them" which DID piss me off. It's a fucking PHONE call. I asked if he was saying it wasn't an option and he said that it WAS an option, but then he dropped it.
In all, it was more than civil. I was glad to get caught up on his medical stuff, and to see my sweet Sierra.
I wish I could hug you. I understand your sadness... that's what these tears are, true honest to goodness sadness. I'm glad you recognize that because even through all the anger and frustration you have suffered a huge loss. Not necessarily the marriage because that had to end, but to a big part of your life, a loss of a man who is no longer the same man that you married, a loss of Sierra... so many things. I'm not sure that you've even taken the time to grieve, and you should. It's a part of healing. It sounds to me like D knows that he needs to make huge changes but he is really taking steps to make them? He puts on a pretty good show and talks a good game to those who don't know the truth... but is he TRULY making an effort to get well for his children? I'm not sure that's the case and that is sad too. I hope he does take the time to at the very least pick up the phone and talk to them, to show a little effort. If he can't manage a simple phone call, I don't know how he'll manage to get it together enough to ever truly be in their lives. Please take care of yourself and remember that this sadness you are feeling is completely normal. You are going to get through all of this, you ARE getting through it... and even amidst all the sad things, you have so much to smile about. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and it will get better. I'm here if you need me.
ReplyDelete"Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love." ~Author Unknown
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