reaching out to D

I sent D an e-mail this morning. I typed it, stared at it, sent it to a friend to get her "permission" to send, and finally sent it.

The topic was PURELY financial; nothing about his drinking or his health, or when he plans to see his kids. I'm currently working out daycare plans for this upcoming "school" year. S is aging out of our current daycare. It accepts kids 6 months to 6 years, and she's 4.5, but there's only one other child their her age. Also, it's a home setting, and as she gets ready for kindy Fall 2015, I feel like she needs to be in more of a classroom setting. She does not have the personality that you can just throw her into a new situation. She needs time to process and get used to new situations. So, I found a brand new pre-school that is 10 minutes from my house, on a direct path to my house.  A friend of mine is the director, and she's given me a great discount. That said, even WITH the discount, I'm looking at more than $30,000 for 3 kids, for 13 months. Yes, you read that right. I could keep them at our current place for another year, and save $10, 000 and still have to rely on my parents one day a week b/c our current place only has room for all 3, 4 days a week.

So, THAT amount freaked me out. I have settlement money from D's mom's estate to pay for this. It's not like I would have to come up with the amount, but I hadn't expected to drop so much in one year. On top of that, J is rehabbing my bathroom. The ugly bathrooms in my house were almost a deal breaker to me agreeing to buy the house 3 years ago. Yet, here I am, STILL with 2 ugly bathrooms. We've been talking about the rehab for about 8 weeks. He's ready to dive in, we're going shopping for the first materials tomorrow, actually, but I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. I feel like OMG I'm going to spend over $30000 in daycare, who am I to drop money on something frivolous like this now?! But dammit, I want it done, lol.

Anyway, the e-mail I sent to D basically asked the status of his social security disability appeal...knowing full well he hasn't started the appeal process. I told him exactly how much daycare will cost and how I hope to not drain the account before they even make it to kindergarten. I suggested that he might send me $1000 as very minimal assistance for daycare. I suggested that if he didn't trust me, that he could write a check straight to daycare. And that if he didn't want to spend that much, maybe he could buy a case of diapers a month or a gallon of milk a week. Something. ANYTHING to help.

I realize that it was my idea that 1/2 of his moms estate was all that I wanted. This was primarily b/c I knew his paychecks were minimal (now nonexistent), but at this point I'm starting to worry.

My friend suggested I could revise the separation agreement prior to filing for divorce, but that seems complicated, and possibly costly.

If he responds at all, he'll come back with a comment that this is what I wanted/asked for.

In the mean time, I am purging the SHIT out of my house. Primarily to just get rid of crap, but also to make a little money (garage sale, craigslist, etc), and to make room (hopefully) for some of J's stuff in the not too distant future. I'm feeling out of control with all of the stuff we have accumulated. The toys, the clothes (kids AND mine) and just general junk.  Books that were read 10 years ago and I know I'll never read again. CD's that were last listened to OVER 10 years ago, DVDs that were watched maybe once. It's ALL going and I'm really hoping this helps clear my mind a bit.