J continues to be nothing short of fabulous. There was something that came up last week, that is PURELY left over from D. J worked like a DOG last week, 10 and 12 hour days, each day, doing really physically demanding work. On Thursday, he sent a text at 4:30 that he was going to have a beer. My response was "Great! Enjoy!" And then I didn't hear from him for 3 hours. At the 2 hour mark I started getting antsy and anxious, looking out the window every 5 minutes. At the 2.5 hour mark I started getting pissed and the imagination started running wild. I would have thoughts of the where the hell is he? Did one beer turn into 6, or worse yet, shots? God, the FEELING of that old anxiety was horrible, So horrible. Those thoughts were then met with thoughts of "you've got to be kidding. This is not D, this is J, who never even has a random beer while watching TV at night. This is the first time in 3 months that he's even had anything to drink without you present." And more importantly "Who are you to get upset about this. You're a girlfriend. Nothing more."
He sent a text during all this rumination asking if I needed anything, which he always does before heading over. I thought about sending back a snide response but thank GOD I didn't. He walked in, gave me a hug, told me he'd had 3 beers in 3 hours, and that he was exhausted. And that was really that. After the kids went to bed, we talked like we always do and he told me about his day, and the situation that led to the beer (it was actually completely unplanned). I HATE that D still wiggles his way into my life in such ways but am so thankful that I was cognizant, and in the right frame of mind, that I was aware of all of this and didn't create a horrible argument about absolutely nothing.
And about his hard work week last week...he didn't complain about it one time. Not once. I'm so used to D bitching about every little thing related to whatever job he might have been doing. J woke up each morning, got dressed, headed out the door, worked hard, came back to my house and played with my kids, paid attention to me, and aside from simply telling me about his day, never once complained. I assume most men are like this, right? This is the way it's supposed to be. You have a job, you do it. That's it. This is new to me.
He met another of my BFF's last weekend. She LOVED him; thinks we're a great fit. Said "it's SOOO obvious that he is SOOOO SOOOO crazy about you." This is my go-to friend when I need to be told just the way it is. I asked her for some advice about broaching the subject of moving in. (Yes, I'm almost there.) My biggest fear since getting back into dating is rejection. I fear it with all my heart. I was rejected for so many years, whether blatantly or not, that I cannot bare the thought of it. Her response to me was "he's not going to say no. He'd trap you in that house and keep you forever if he could." Meant in a very sweet, not psycho killer way, of course;)
I have a good friend from high school that married her high school boyfriend and went on to have 4 kids. She's forever posting things on FB about their great marriage/family and you can TELL it's not an act. They are TRULY happily ever after, and I feel like I/we may be headed in that direction.
And I NEVER expected to be here. I went over 5 years without sleeping in bed with D, to one night a week I have to sleep by myself b/c J is home with O, and it is horrible. I sleep horribly. I've had chronic middle of the night insomnia for several years. Since meeting J, it's gone. I don't even have the luxury of waking in the middle of the night and looking over to see him sleeping, b/c I am SO comfortable and happy that I sleep all night, peacefully.
And we can just "be" together, and it's fine. With D for the last many years, we did not talk, and when we did, it was forced, and short. And it was tense (for me, at least), b/c I thought "this is my husband. At the very least we should be TALKING to each other." With J, quiet is ok, it's peaceful, it's comfortable.
When we're out, he touches me, whether it's holding my hand, or touching my hair. Last night, we were out to dinner, sitting on a patio bar. After we finished eating, he grabbed my chair and pulled it to his so we were as close as we could possibly be. I can STILL specifically remember a time when D and I were sitting at a bar and I went to put my hand on his leg, and he pushed it away. And, that was VERY early in our marriage.
Often, I catch J just staring at me. I ask "what?" and his response is "I'm just looking at you. Get used to it."
So, getting back to the whole moving in thing...I'm not talking next week, or next month, but I really don't want to wait too long. Maybe fall? Even still, this is something we have to talk about, to THINK about, aside from the obvious logistics of moving. We have kids to consider, and ex's (at least his) to consider and all the stuff that goes along with moving in together. It will take time to get it sorted out. BUT, I CANNOT bite the bullet and bring it up. My friend is right, he WON'T say no, but still. I assume he's waiting for me to do so, since it's my house. A little funny...he's had two drawers for awhile now, and last weekend, I cleared a third for him, since he's starting to accumulate quite the pile of clothes. I even hung some of his shirts in the closet. This morning, as I was getting ready I opened the close and looked down, and he had put two pairs of his shoes neatly in the closet. I don't know why. it just made me smile. I smile when I see his clothes in my washing machine. God, I'm such a sap, lol.
This is just a whole bunch of rambling, lol:) But it's good rambling, and NOT venting!!!
A few pics. J and the twins:) I adore this.
I love love love everything about this post. Even the part where you *almost* got upset when J was out having beer... because you caught yourself and stopped before making a snide remark, and REALIZED what was happening... and in the end you know it's leftover crap from D... and that you've GROWN so much over the past few months that you can finally see all of this and work through it! :) You.are.healing.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are developing with J reminds me so much of my relationship... and what I've always hoped you would find. Even without physically being there I can tell from the way you talk about J and the things that he does, he is beyond hooked on you!! (and you on him) That pic with him and the twins! OMG!!! Perfection.