feeling bi-polar

I talked to D today. I received an e-mail from our condo property manager that another occupant of our building was complaining of a water leak and they couldn't get in touch with D. My first thought was negative, of course, thinking he was dead, and left the water running. Curiously, I realize after the fact I had never considered that he might try to drown himself. Just that he was passed out or dead and left water running. Anyway...

I called immediately and there was no answer. I sent a text which he received right away and called me back. He was sober. SOBER. I knew the second he said something to me. We talked about the water issue and that he had no idea what it might be, had heard no one knocking on his door, etc. Then, I asked how he was, and he said ok. I told him that he sounded good, and asked if he was attempting sobriety. He said that he is, but that each time he makes it any decent length of time he gets so sick and can't deal with it. I reminded him that he'd been warned about the dangers of trying to detox at home.

The convo was nearing an end and I just blurted out "do you plan to ever see your kids." He said he thinks about that 100 times a day, about S sitting on his lap, or the twins pretending to cut his hair. I lost it then and the tears started flowing. I told him that they loved him and missed him. He told me that it's been so long now, that the thought of seeing them causes him so much anxiety. I reminded him that they are 3 and 4 years old, and they aren't going to judge him, only love him. I told him that they know he is sick, but that's it. That they know he's been in the hospital, because that's how we ended up with Sierra at our house.

He said "I can't see them when I'm drunk, and I can't see them when I'm withdrawing." Those were my rules, but then he went on to say "They can't see me like that." Hello insight. He said that was really lonely, and that Sierra was the only thing that had kept him from being NOT lonely. I said "you realize what I haven't given her back, right?" He said "yeah, I can barely take care of myself, let alone anyone else." Again, insight. I was shocked.

We were both crying by then. He said he hoped he could get the sobriety he needed and go on to have a happy family. I told him that I hoped so too, and then we hung up.

I sent J a text saying that we'd talked, and he was sober and I was crying, lol. He called immediately and was floored that he was sober. I told him about the convo. He suggested he might be ready to try phone calls with the kids. Nothing planned, just "as wanted."  I thought it was a great idea, and seemed to be a good time. The first time I brought it up, he totally blew me off.  We DID talk about the question of whether it was good to "re" introduce D back into their lives, not knowing how consistent this would be. Although not 100% confident in my choice, at this point in time, and given they are phone calls and nothing more, I decided it was probably ok.

So I called D back about an hour later, asking his thoughts on that. He said "we'll see." Um, excuse me?!? You just told me how much you miss and think about your kids and I practically throw this opportunity in your lap and you say we'll see??? Now, I didn't say that, but you bet I was thinking it. He then went on to say "nagging me is not going to help." THAT pissed me off, totally hit a raw nerve and immediately took me back to being married to him when he would tell me to stop nagging. I told him that I wasn't nagging, that I was trying to give his children some communication/interaction with him. He said "isn't that what J is for"? OMG. I said YOU'RE their father.

It just went down hill, and we got nowhere. by the time we were off the phone, I was livid. I texted J to tell him what happened. Poor thing, he called me right back to talk about it. I told him I felt bi-polar just talking to D...how I could be so emotional in one way after the first call, and very pissed off after the second. He seriously just brings it out in me. J talked me off the ledge. I reminded him his was the 2nd time I'd suggested, and the 2nd time he'd shot it down. He did throw out another scenario...that this may be D's way of setting the stage TO leave. That by denying my request, he's passive aggressively telling me that he's done with the kids. I don't quite buy it, but it was a good theory and definitely food for thought. If it were just the twins and not S, I could see it more, be he adores (or at least used to adore) that girl. I can't say it's not his M.O., because passive-agressive should be his middle name.

Anyhoo...J and I circled back to the part of the convo where D had brought up his name. J said "you should tell him I want to adopt them and THEN see what he says." I was outside close to a busy street at this point, and didn't really process what he'd said for a second or two after he'd said it. But he didn't stop to get my reaction, just kept on talking. I wasn't shocked, but I was surprised to hear that from him. It won't necessarily hypothetical. He wouldn't have said it, if he hadn't entertained the idea.  Regardless, we didn't stop to talk about that, but now it's in my head...and has been a thought that I have entertained recently...somewhere down the line...