Last week was full of emotional chaos. D was binging. Of course, now that he has moved out, I have no actual proof. But I knew, and he later confirmed. He failed to visit the babies last Wed and Thursday. He missed a dr appt. He ran out of meds.
I feel such RELIEF that I don't have to be so close to that behavior anymore, but it still affects me. I found myself eating out of control, b/c I knew HE was out of control.
I guess he came to his senses late Friday night/early Sat morning. He called me and asked if he could visit. I reminded him that S and C were with my parents, so it was just A and myself. He said that was ok and came over for a few hours. Looked like death. Sounded like death. I just didn't have it in me to be sorry for him. To even worry about him. I just didn't care. He's just honestly "someone I know." And that's so sad.
He came back on Sunday, where he admitted that while binging, although he'd been taking some of his meds incorrectly. "I took less than prescribed of my depression and anxiety meds, but none of the important ones." I reminded him that they were all important and that maybe increased anxiety and depression may have exacerbated the binge. I'm just so emotionally removed from the situation. It's a wonderful feeling, but still sad. He came over last night and as he was leaving told me that he was "day 5 cold turkey." I told him that was great and asked how he was feeling. He said that "drink-wise I'm good. No cravings. But, my head is just a chaotic mess." I reminded him that that's most likely why he drinks in the first place.
I feel sad that he can't fight those demons. That he's not strong enough to beat the negativity in his head.
He's been engaged, been a GREAT dad. Reading and playing, and clearly enjoying his time with them as much as they do with him. I looked in our family room last night and they were all on his lap, listening to him read a book. So bittersweet.
Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, this period of sobriety will not last. I hate to be negative Nelly, and I know that everyone has to start somewhere, but I'm no longer able to feel encouraged by his positive behavior. For me, I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will.
And something that's really been pissing me off is his view that providing financially for our kids is his responsibility as well as mine. In an ideal world, it would be up to both of us. But it's not ideal. Yes, I'm getting half of his families money. But my half will be used to pay for daycare and doctor bills and diapers and clothes. Not his. He will use his money to pass his mortgage, and drink. He made a comment on Saturday how our daycare SHOULD provide breakfast/lunch "as much as we're paying." We? Um, no. It is my name alone on that check I write each month. And then, on FB last week, he made a comment about having to pay for 2 weddings and 3 college educations. Why do I feel like it will be ME stuck with footing the bill for all of that. He just continues to be in denial. Even said something to A the other day about us taking her to the beach. No, no. no. We are DONE.
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