My grandma died early this morning. Her death was imminent, and she had rapidly progressing Alzheimer's, so it really is a blessing. Her level of lucidity really varied from one hour to the next. I'm not yet ready to start working through this emotionally. I'm still caught up in the logistics of it all.
How in the heck will I take 3 toddlers to a funeral. DO I take them? My parents never really thought twice about taking me to funeral homes. Coming from an older family, I've dealt with it many times. I've always thought that my parents forced it on me a bit, never really giving me the option to NOT go, at least while I was living at home.
Now, I think about S. When my other grandmother died last summer I felt strongly that she was too small to view a body. My family is very in to open caskets:-/ We took her to the funeral/wake, but kept her away from the front. She didn't know what was going on. During the actual funeral, D kept her in the back and left with her when it was time to view her body for the last time. D was also irrationally worried that she would see her, and think of his mother. The two looked nothing alike, so not sure where that came from.
S is almost 4. She's very intuitive. She will see/sense the sadness. (My mother is a wreck). I will take her, explaining that Grandma R's body just got tired and she died. I read today that toddlers don't have the same negative idea about death as adults do. makes sense. I will take that twins, against my better judgement, b/c I also firmly believe that a toddler's presence and smile will make the entire situation a bit easier, especially for my mom.
The Question of the Day: Do I tell D? He has made no attempt at contacting me since he left last Saturday. In a moment of weakness earlier today I did call his cell. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message. She was his family for 14 years. They liked each other; got along well. He won't be heartbroken by any means, but I feel like he should know. That leads to: do I want him to come to the funeral? And if so, why? And if so, what will we tell relatives about our situation? If he doesn't come, what will I tell certain nosey relatives. I feel most like I can handle 3 better than I can handle 4. If he were to come, I'd worry about his sobriety. And if sober, I'd worry about withdrawal.
ugh, this is bad, bad, bad...all around.
First, I am so very sorry for your loss. No matter how much of a blessing it is because of failing health, it still hurts and it's still a loss. My heart is with you...
ReplyDeleteNow, as to whether or not you should tell D. That's a hard one. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd probably let him know *after* all is said and done, so you don't have to have the added stress of worrying about him showing up drunk or with withdrawal symptoms. You've got enough to handle with the 3 little ones. Yes, she was his family for 14 years, but he has made it blatantly obvious, especially recently, that he doesn't give a damn about family. If certain relatives insist on sticking their nose in your business and flat out ask where Dan is, just tell him that he wasn't up to coming. That's not entirely a lie. I do agree that having the kids there probably will lighten the situation, especially for your mom - giving her something positive to focus on. Heck, even through the computer screen your babies make my heart feel better on my down days! :) You don't need the stress of having D around, wondering what he'll say/do or how he'll act in general. Your days of parenting HIM are done.