Things have been pretty status quo. Nothing too outside of the norm (for us). Today, though, this morning anyway, was bad for me. I just suddenly got SO overwhelmed with the thought that I am the sole caretakers for my children. If they need something in the middle of the night, I get up. If they need to go to the dr, I take them. If they pee in the floor, I clean it up. It's all me.
S is dealing with asthma issues (and hives). She gets one liquid meds 3x a day, another liquid med 1x a day, 1 pill a day, plus multiple puffs of multiple inhalers 2x a day. C is a teething mess. A is her usual clingy, high maintainance self, " 'old me, mama, 'old me." It's hard. When there's no one else to give them meds, or comfort, or just HOLD, it's ridiculously hard, and it all came crashing down this morning.
I was exhausted when I woke up, was late to get in the shower. My lateness usually cues chaos for the rest of the three, b/c then I'm hurrying them around. Got all 3 up and ready to go, only to discover that the twins both pooped. Change them, get them all in the car, to realize that S needed a head band, and one of her meds. Run back in, get everything, spill the medicine down my arm. "Oh, for God's sake." "What do you mean by that, mommy?" :-/ Tears were RIGHT there, but didnt come. Get to daycare, only to see that C only had one ONE shoe. The other was not in the car. He lost it somewhere between the front door and the car. Great. Luckily, daycare had an extra pair, but he needed socks. So, he spent the day running around in an extra pair of S's pink socks.
Most days, I could laugh about it, but not today. Before finding out that daycare had an extra pair of shoes, I was literally standing in the middle of the room fighting tears like a two year old, feeling quite ok with just letting them flow.
Enough already. Someone needs to cut me some slack. I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own. What in the hell did I do in a previous life to prove that I can handle this amount of stress? Because I can't. I'm short with my kids, I just want to hole up in bed and not come out for a long, long time. But then, the guilt kicks in and I sit down and put on a happy face and try to engage my children in something fun.
I was literally *this close* to messaging you today to check in because it had been so long since you updated... and then voila! a post.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, you need to cut yourself some slack. Yes you are overwhelmed, over worked, over stressed... of course you are! It's no wonder that something like a missing shoe is enough to virtually send you over the edge. You know that although not the same at all, I've been through hell and have often wondered why on earth I was given this life, why it's expected that I could handle such enormous amounts of stress without cracking. I don't know why these are the lives we've been given, what it all means, how we make it through... but somehow we do. We make it. Be it with tears and tantrums, days of sadness and guilt... we make it through. We are a lot alike... and I've learned that WE ARE STRONG. I want things to be different for you. I want things to be happy and easy, carefree and wonderful - and in a lot of ways they are. Look beyond all the chaos and craziness that you deal with every.single.day and SEE how beautiful it is that you have the children that you have always wanted and fought so hard to have. Call it guilt that kicks in that makes you put on a happy face and engage your children in something fun... but I think it's love. Truest, purest LOVE.
I so wish that I lived by you, to lend a hand, give you some much needed time to yourself, be a shoulder to cry on when you need one. I care so very much. As much as I care, you need to care about yourself - and when you need "me" time, make it happen. Ask your parents, a sitter, a friend that is close-by. Even if it's just an hour or two to have by yourself to go somewhere and unwind, shop, heck to even take a shower in peace... do it. You deserve it and you need it. You are a human being with limits and that is OK.