Newly "phased"

In regards to D, not much phases me anymore. A DUI, jail, fired from a job, broken bones, etc...I've seen it all. Last night though, freaked me the F out.

He came over about 3 pm, sober. About 4:30, the tremors and sweating started. I heard him puke in the bathroom. The babies couldn't tell anything was different, and if they did they certainly weren't phased. I was pissed, but resigned. He was making an effort, after all.

At 5:30, I had the babies in their high chairs for dinner. I happened to look out the kitchen window to see D dry heaving off the deck. Lovely. I could SEE from the movement of his shorts he was shaking. I actually took a video of it. Not sure why. The eerie part of the 20 sec video clip is about the sound of A's sweet voice yelling for her daddy. They could see nothing, she just chose that random time to call for him. This entire incident was just minutes after I asked him if he was ever scared of having a heart attack. "It hasn't happened yet."

He then came in and layed on the couch for an hour, clearly incapacitated. Finally, once I had the twins in the bath, I walked into the family room and said "why don't you just go." He said "no, I'll stay." I told him that he was useless to me in the state he was in. Just at that time, S walked in the room and said "I want daddy to go." OMG, I could *see* his heart breaking. So mine broke for him.

She walked into the bathroom and said "babies, daddy's going home. He doesn't feel well." Her ability to feel-out the situation just floored me.

I walked back into the living room where he was putting on his shoes, gathering his phone and keys, etc. He was very obviously shaking, but nothing I hadn't witnessed before. Then, he tried to pick up this travel size bottle of cologne I had found hiding in the bathroom and was going to take home with him. His "slight" shakes turned into these Parkinson-like gross tremors, in which he could NOT hold his hand still. The lid came off the cologne and I yelled "stop." He said he couldn't stop. It took both of my hands on top of his, applying pressure to make it stop. Once I let go it started again. We're not talking can't sign your name legibly. Think fish out of water. This was unlike ANYTHING I've ever seen before. It's conservative for me to say that his hands were shaking (I can't really even use that word for this) SO much that they were a good 10-12 inches from where he wanted them. I spent along time last night looking for a video to describe what I saw. Anything I found on youtube about "alcohol tremors" did not hold a candle. It was horrific.

I can't stop thinking about it. I close my eyes and I SEE his hands. He went on to say it was uncontrollable. I reminded him that he could control it, he was just choosing not to do so.