Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So.frustrating.
I just got off the phone with D. I told him that he needed to come up with a solution re: visitation that includes 1) being sober and 2) not in active withdrawal. His response was "sobriety." I honestly just sat there. I had no immediate response. I finally gathered myself and told him I didn't feel that was a feasible solution. That he had tried for 10 years and that it hadn't worked yet and I didn't expect it to ever work. That he has lost everything but his money and he doesn't seem to care. Then, the social worker kicked in and I added that it was a great long term goal, but that he needed to come up with something more short-term.

I told him I don't want our kids lasting memories of him to be puking in the backyard or sweating profusely on the couch. He didn't respond. He told me he'd ask the dr for some ativan. Great, more medication. He then went on to try to defend himself, telling me he thought the situation the other night was anxiety related, not withdrawal. I agreed that there was definately anxiety involved but the fact that he couldn't hold his KEYS was purely withdrawal. He told me he was fine when he got in the car. He may well have been. I don't know, and I wasn't going to argue about it.

I told him that I thought about calling the cops when he left. At that point he got defensive and said something like "yeah, they're going to ticket a sober, insuranced driver who's driving perfectly fine." Again, I wasn't going to argue. I simply said that he needed to stop being so selfish and start to think about others who he might possibly endanger.

He's just clueless. None of this is his fault. It's anxiety, so obviously that clears him of any wrong-doing. His lack of caring for his own well-being/outcome is unfathomable to me. I don't GET it.

These are the days I just want to say fuck it. We're DONE. I mean, obviously, we're done, but more "I'm done with every aspect of you. I'm done THINKING about you. You can't see your kids anymore."

I'm just so frustrated. He fell in the bathtub last weekend. Big surprise, right? He got an MRI done this morning that was negative, and the dr thinks it's probably just a deep bone bruise and is going to give him something for the pain. Fantastic, MORE medicine. Trust me, he's honestly not drug-seeking. He HATES pills/meds of any kind.

I have a call in to the agency that specializes in divorce. My professional relationship with the organization is over, so I want to get an intake appt asap. S is doing alot better than she was this summer, but if he can't figure out a way to be in their life positively, to be a somewhat productive and encouraging father, then he's out. And she needs to be prepared for that.