Today is a better day:)
The last several weeks have been both good and bad. My days are usually only bad when D's behaviors cannot help but affect me. He's on a rollercoaster. Alot of it is the bipolar, alot is the drinking. His psychiatrist told him this week that his bipolar is getting worse. She increased his meds.
He showed up drunk last Friday night and I had to send him away. He didn't show the next day, which was also S's soccer game that he told her he would attend. When she saw him on Sunday she asked why he didn't show. "I was sick." "Why were you sick, daddy?" "My medicine made me sick"
:-/
I meant to post here about his behavior on the twins' b-day, but I think I just couldn't bare to deal with it. We met our photographer that morning in the park. I had invited D, but let him know that he wasn't expected, and to only show if he wanted to be in a few pictures. He DID show (I was SHOCKED, given his behavior in the days leading up to that morning). He looked like a zombie an was very unengaged from the kids. He was sweating bullets, and his eyes were like slits, he was bloated. After the fact, S my friend who took the pics told me that his eyes were so blood shot that she had trouble editing the pics.
We left the park and headed to have some fun with the kids. While on the way, he chugged a gatorade bottle of water. Yes, I know it was water. When we get to our destination, he puked in the parking lot. Over and over and over and OVER. I was pissed and livid and embarrassed. Not a speck of my being felt sorry for him. I told him that he could stay in the car for the 1.5 hours or he could come in to play, but that I was NOT taking him back to his car. He chose to come in, but then ended up sitting on a bench most of the time, leaving me to wrangle all 3 kids.
We get back in the car and he lets me know that he needs to go home. He doesn't feel well. Maybe he'll visit later, but he needs to go lie down. Thankfully the trio were making lots of noise in the back seat, so I took the opportunity to tell him what a special kind of ass he really is. I said "have you told your kids happy birthday? Because today IS their birthday and I haven't heard you tell them." He looked at me like a dear in headlights. I don't know if he forgot, or didn't care, or what, but he knew he had no excuse. I drove him back to his car, and before he got out he turned around and told them each happy birthday. We didn't see him the rest of the day.
I got home, did naptime and then let them open their presents when they woke up. They had cupcakes after dinner and I sang them happy birthday by myself, while I held back the tears. The fucker wasn't even there to SING. And he didn't even get them a present. Not a coloring book even. Nothing. I reminded him weeks before and he told me he didn't know what to get them. I told him if that was the case then I would be grateful if he gave me even a bit of money for the presents that I bought for them. I got nothing. THEY got nothing. Bastard.
A few nights ago, he was over and told me he was leaving (earlier than normal). I asked why, not that I cared, but I was curious. He said "there's preoccupied with TV, I'm not getting any quality time." "CREATE some quality time. Engage them. PLAY with them." Good GOD, it may not be the most entertaining for HIM, but it is NOT hard to play with 2 and 3 year olds. Be a fucking DAD.
That is my status quo. I realize I post mostly negative things here, but honestly, there's not alot good. Two nights ago he called me to let me know that one of my favorite movies was on TV. I was shocked. It was honestly one of the nicest things he's done for me in months (or longer).
Reading this just reinforces how smart your decision to have D move out and to separate from him truly was. Although he is still doing things in front of his children that are highly unacceptable, I'm thankful for their sake (and yours) that it's not on an every day basis. How on earth can he STILL think it's ok to show up drunk? To not engage his children? To pretty much forget the twins birthday?! What the hell is wrong with him. Yes, I know he's an alcoholic. Yes, I know he is bipolar. But I also know that if he can manage to remember what your favorite movie is and call to tell you it is on, he sure as shit can remember their birthday, purchase a little something to make them feel special, pull it together for THEM on that day. I think it just boils down to the fact that he's an asshole. I mean, how could anyone be so cruel to those three beautiful little beings? For a man to act that way toward an ex-wife, fine... but toward his kids? His very young kids. It's not ok. It's no wonder you are stressed to the hilt. I don't know if there is anything I can say to make things any better, but know that you aren't alone in your feelings toward him. Maybe someday he'll "wake up" and see how horribly he's acted, but I'm afraid that by that time the kids will be MUCH older and the damage will have already been done... and trust me, grudges will be held against him. He's throwing away such a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything you said. I wish I could just always think "asshole" instead of breaking down so often and thinking "sick." It would be so much easier to just not care, but I know you know that.
ReplyDeleteI was at a store yesterday when I heard the cashier telling a customer "yeah, my dad couldn't man up. I don't even remember him." It about broke my heart in to pieces:(
Also, his not celebrating the twins on their bday further reinforces the fact that he wishes they weren't around. I'm curious to see what happens for S's bday in December.
I know it's hard to distinguish between the two - being sick, or just flat out being a complete asshole - because he does indeed have a disease. However, the fact that he knows that he is not well and he chooses to continue to drink and chooses to forgo his medications on a whim and will freely admit to both proves that he is making these decisions, does not want to be well, and pretty much just doesn't care. Thing is, people like you and I do care and that makes everything so much more difficult. I can easily just call him an asshole because I'm seeing all of this from a distance. I am removed from it. I can guarantee thought that if I were in your shoes, I too would be VERY conflicted. It's so very sad and it breaks my heart for you and for the kids. You need to remind yourself though that this is NOT YOUR FAULT and that your babies may indeed feel the same way that poor cashier does when they are older, but they will also remember that they have an amazing mom who stepped up, took on the roles of mother AND father, put their well being before anything else and made sure they were loved and cared for in every way. They may remember the bad about D, but they will ultimately remember the good about you. THAT is what matters. You want those babies - ALL of them - and they know it. The way D feels and treats them is on him. I too am very curious to see what S's bday brings.
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