so much stuff

So many things to write about...so many things that I wanted to say that I've already forgotten.

Single mom-hood is HARD. I get a "break" when I come to work.

Of note.
1) I last saw D about 4:30 on Saturday, when we were outside playing with the kids and he started puking. He told me he was leaving, and he'd be there at 10:30 on Sunday. He was a no-show. I've been stalking him on FB, and it looks like he was last on, Sat night about 8:30. So, about 40 hours with no communication from him/or indication of him being, well, alive. My crazy thoughts are stirring. But they really aren't so crazy, knowing him. BUT, I am managing them much better than in the past. I'm sure he's alive, but binging. I sent him home Friday night b/c he refused a breathlyzer.

2) Last night, in the bath S said "mommy, what day did daddy leave?" I said "what??" She said "when did daddy leave and not live with us anymore?" Her little brain just amazes me. I thought for a second and said "I think daddy last lived here on a Wed."

3) This morning, S said "if daddy calls tonight, I want to talk to him." "OK, what do you want to say?" "To ask him why he didn't come over yesterday. I bet he was sick." It seriously breaks my heart. Into teeny tiny pieces.

4) Two weeks ago, he said "I'd like to go to your parents house for Christmas." Um WHAT, EXCUSE ME? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. I didn't say that of course, but it's what I was thinking. Instead I told him that I didn't even know if he was invited, and that I would need to talk to my mom. He totally floors me at times. But at the same time, I go back to the excuse(???) that he may not be around much longer, for whatever reason, and I want his kids to have as much time with him as they can. But really, does he expect to still be included? Well, clearly he does.

My mom was floored when I asked her if he could come. She still hasn't given me an answer. I don't blame her if she says no, but Lord I will be a ball of nerves that day wondering what he is doing if he doesn't come with us.

5) In the same convo as #4, he said "are we supposed to put on a happy family front" when talking about having our annual holiday dinner with his brother and family. Brother and family ARE coming in town to have dinner with at least me and the babies (and present exchange for the cousins). M and I had already planned the date. I said "there is no happy family and no front to put on." M knows what's going on, there's no reason to lie.

But the simple fact that he had thought about lying? I mean, to a normal person, at this point, WHY lie? What would be the point? It would serve no purpose.

I.don't.understand.him. He does not think rationally, or logically, about this topic or anything else. He was talking on Wed night about something so trivial as switching cable companies. The reason he gave for switching made absolutely no sense. NONE. It's like he's lost his brain cells.

He is/was such an intelligient person. I feel like the alcohol is eating away at more than just his liver.