It made me irrationally angry to see. I KNOW it's the disease, I KNOW this, but I just want to scream how in the world can you be so SELFISH, so goddamn SELFISH. To be so in to yourself that you just dismiss the thought of seeing your children. That you don't call ME to let me know at the very least that you are drunk and can't keep your plans.
God help me, it's moments like this that I wish he would just go away, far far away, so I can wipe the worry of him from my plate. Not that it would wipe it completely, but it would be something.
I'm so mad, I'm almost in tears.
I've had a slight addiction with Pinterest lately. It replaced my addiction with Candy Crush;) I find some pins on there that just hit me too personally to pin. I feel like I would be laying my very deepest feelings out there, my soul, for everyone to see. JennyG, we've had this convo about the Brave Girls Club, too. But, today, I have to post two of them, b/c that's where I am right now.
Clearly, on some level, I am taking this entire ordeal personally. Most days I don't, but when I get so so mad like I am now, these feelings come to the surface. Did he ever love me? I think so. I think he did. But how can I be sure. Did he only love me because I took care of him? And did I only love him because I needed to take care of someone? Such horrible questions. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Obviously, his need for alcohol was more important than his need for me.
And for the record, I really don't feel destroyed. I don't think I ever had the thought of "what am I going to do." I think I always knew that I would survive, I didn't have a choice. I feel f'ing strong for doing what I did. For getting myself and my kids out of that situation. I am proud of myself for what I did; I know that many don't make it as far as I do.
I swear to God, if he even posts one damn thing on FB about Veteran's Day and how he's so proud of serving his country, I may throw my computer across the room, or worse, call him out for not serving his kids.
... And now I know why you are "livid" at this very moment. I had a feeling his FB status was getting to you. Heck, it got to me! Then I saw that he's having a "Boys Night Out" tonight. WTF? Is he serious? He's clearly delusional on so many levels. If calling him out on it would make you feel better, do it! Chances are it'll go in one ear and right back out the other because there's nothing left in between said ears, but you really can bite your tongue only for so long.
ReplyDeleteI love that you are finding these quotes on Pinterest (some of which I promptly steal)... it's amazing how seeing how you feeling, written out before you, knowing that you are NOT alone in those feelings and pondering them is really cathartic. You may never get the answers to all of your questions, but it's good to at least think about this stuff instead of ignoring all of it. These things happened/are happening and you are dealing with all of it. Seeing you write that you are proud of yourself for the choices and changes that you have made makes me so happy. You are AMAZING! Don't ever forget that and don't ever let ANYONE make you feel any less than that. You are far from being destroyed. As sad as all of this is and as much pain and worry as you have been put through, it has all truly made you stronger! Sometimes it may not feel that way, but you are.