8 minutes

It took 8 minutes to be granted our legal separation. Eight minutes to undo what took years to build. I realize that it started to come unraveled along time ago, but I'm still blown away that the entire proceeding this morning took just 8 minutes. A few things of note:

1) D was over yesterday. Before he left we talked about this morning, and what to expect. Neither of us had a clue. I mentioned that it shouldn't be much different than a divorce proceeding. D said "oh, it's not the same at all. In the eyes of the state we'll still be legally married." His lack of logic baffles me at times. He went on to say that "if you get with someone, it'll be considered cheating and it would cost you a lot of money." Implying of course, that he would divorce ME and get back some of the money that I'm "taking" from him. I took a deep breath and reminded him politely that the only reason this was NOT a divorce is because I'm too nice and don't want to see him uninsured.

He did agree with that, but in the next breath said "cheating would be infidelity and grounds for divorce." What the WHAT? Yes, this really happened! I swallowed hard, took another deep breath and then asked if he really thought he could keep me from dating. At that point, he shut down, I can only assume because he realized how asinine his comments were.

But really. This has suddenly turned into a classic case of "I don't want you. But no one else can have you either." WHATEVER.  The comical part of it all is that I can't even fathom LOOKING at a man. Ok, that's not true. I look, but that's about it. All the other stuff that comes with it...blah....no interest.

2) We get there this morning and are standing in front of the judge. She had our parenting plan and financial info in front of her. She's asking us questions, we're confirming. She asked "we're dealing with a legal separation because you feel the marriage is not irrevocably broken." Although not sure of the etiquette, and if I should be interrupting the judge, lol, I responded "the only reason this is a separation is so he can stay on my insurance." I totally threw her for a loop. She wasn't sure how to respond. She said "so you feel that your marriage is broken beyond repair." I said yes (all the while FEELING Ds eyes on me). She made a change to her paperwork and moved on. It was SO important for me to SAY that, and for D to HEAR that. This is not a flipping game. This is not a disagreement that we're going to get over.  This is a marriage, a now broken marriage.

In all, it took 8 minutes. She declared us legally separated, wished us both luck, and that was it. We were getting on the escalator to go down stairs and D said "well, I guess that's it. Life moves on." I don't know what I expected him to say, but not that. Not anything. It would have been better if he hadn't said anything. To just let it roll off so casually hurt me.

While we were sitting in the courtroom waiting for the judge, I noticed that we were sitting like people who were familiar with each other, but not touching. It occurred to me that we haven't touched in a very long time. Much  longer than the nine months he's been out of my house. It was completely loveless and I wonder now how I thought that was ok. How he STILL thinks it's ok.  I clearly remember S being shocked to see us occasionally hug.

I deserve better than that, as do my children.