Oh dear...

I've debated posting about this, but I'm not sure why. But, I've put my private life out there in ridiculous fashion before...not sure why this should be any different. Right? Wrong? I don't know. I'm putting off typing what I want to type, lol.

So, a key piece of information that I have left out until now...for the past 3 weeks or so, I've been sneaking Justin into my house after kids are asleep, and sneaking him out before they wake up. It has been WONDERFUL. It's been over 5 years since I've actually slept with a man in my bed. The bed I have now was purchased when we moved into the house almost 3 years ago. Justin has slept in it more than D ever has. And D and I never even had sex in it...how pathetic is that. Can't say the same for me and Justin:)

I really struggled with the whole sex thing. Didn't want to be slutty, but as my friends all said, "you are an adult. you are almost 40 for God's sake. DO WHAT YOU WANT." So I did, and I am, and I will continue too...:)

THAT is not the part that I'm dragging my feet to actually type. This is...this morning, at about 6 am lol, he told me that he thinks he's falling in love with me. And he had tears in his eyes. Good God, how did I end up here, and so quickly. If truth be told, I almost said something similar to him last week, but kept my mouth shut, for fear of what, I don't know. That it's only been 5 weeks? Maybe? The 5 weeks have been jam PACKED with feelings and talking and hanging out and getting to know each other and it's been awesome. I didn't want to say something until I know exactly WHY I am thinking about the L word. Is it because it's good sex? Is it because I turn into a puddle of goo when I see him playing with my kids? Is it because of the possibility of things to come? Is it simply because he is giving me so much positive attention (I don't really think so...I think I've kept a very level head about that).

My response to him this morning was that I don't NOT feel that way, but that I'm still trying to work through things in my head to make sure what I feel is real and true, and for the right reasons. I do know that I want to be with him as much as possible, and I don't care what we do. I want to fall asleep with him and wake up with him. AGAIN, HOW IN THE HELL AM I HERE?!?!?!  I do not ever recall feeling this about anyone before. The chemistry and the emotions that we have together blows anything that I EVER had with D out of the water. there is simply no comparison.

Last night, OMG I just wanted to DIE of...something, love, I don't know. He came over as I was getting the babies ready for bed. He helped me get their pajamas on, and fix their beds. I looked up from putting a clean sheet on S's bed and he was holding all 3 at the same time. A twin on each arm and Sophie hanging around his neck. All 4 were giggling like idiots:) I'm getting teary just thinking about it. D has NEVER done that.  This weekend, J came over to meet one of my bff's. Again, he helped me get the babies ready for bed. I walked down the hallway to find him sitting in the bathroom floor, with C on the potty chair. I might have died a little at the sight.

I'll spare the details, but he needed to wash a load of clothes at my house last night. I went downstairs this morning to get them out of the dryer for him. The sight of his clothes in my dryer just made me giddy. WTF?!

All of this good stuff, this really really GREAT stuff and I am scared to freaking death,probably BECAUSE it is so good. I told him today via text how it doesn't make sense to me that he could want me, or want to spend time with my children, when their own father doesn't want to. I just can't wrap my head around it. His response was this "I have a young kid! I want to feel a love for somebody that is unfathomable...and I want kids in my life and I want to share experiences in my life with that person and be part of experiences in that person's life and the children in that life..."  Ugh, so do you SEE why the L word is popping up?!?!

Stay tuned...