Balls

D has big ones today. He freaking wished me happy 10th wedding anniversary on FB. OMG. I seriously almost fell off my chair, my mouth was just GAPING open.

Denial, much?  I mean, yes we'd talked about having dinner tonight. That plan quickly flew out the window along with his .07 on Tuesday afternoon. But to make it so PUBLIC. I would have been much less shocked for him to send a text "thinking about you" or "happy anniversary." But Face.book. OMG

I sat here and stewed about it. Was getting more and more anxious about it as friends started "liking" it, several of which (including my sister) know about the divorce. WHO DOES THAT? I wanted to respond, something witty, something sarcastic, something with a bit of sting, but I didn't like any of the consequences of anything that I came up with it.

So, IM'd him. That's what we do these days right? I certainly don't want to TALK to him. I asked who he'd told. He mentioned 3 people, and that they know everything. I asked him "does 'everything' include the fact that you're an alcoholic?" He said "yes, and thanks for the reminder." I responded with "no problem, didn't want you to forget that little issue. You know, the one that tore our marriage apart. And, I don't see anything 'happy' about the fact that I haven't seen you since Tuesday at which time I kicked you out b/c you'd been drinking while caring for our kids." He got off FB sometime in the  middle of my ranting. He won't respond. He might delete his post. That would be the passive aggressive D that I know.

Ass.  This day was going along just fine, until he posted that. I was ok, and now I'm just pissed, and anxious and want to crawl into bed.

Feeling really blessed

I really do like to look for the best in people/things/events. Perhaps this is part of the reason I've kept D around for so long.

I feel SO blessed with the support I have received, once I "outed" myself (and D). As someone who loves an alcoholic,  I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, secretive, fearful, etc.  Feelings not much different than what D feels, WHEN he feels. It took alot for me to admit to my friends what was going on, and to be HONEST about what is going in. To be honest with others forces you to be honest with yourself, and it's hard. Really hard. Sometimes impossible. But, I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted since I started sharing.

Very often now, I feel wrapped in love. I have friends e-mail, text, give me hugs, call just to make sure things are ok. My boss brought me dinner on Sunday night. My mom is doing my laundry. People are praying for me. It feels good.

I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. It's hard to be completely honest here, for fear of what others may think about my situation. To someone who has never experienced a relationship like this, I understand how hard it is to NOT think "what the fuck is she thinking by staying/why did she stay so long, etc."  I made a comment several weeks ago that I'm as sick as D. It's true. I believe it. He may be addicted to alcohol, but I'm addicted to him, to the drama that surrounds him. The reasons he drinks are deep-seeded; the reasons I love him are also. There's a reason I picked HIM. That's next in therapy, lol:)   Yes, it may SEEM like an obvious choice to cut all ties, but it's not that easy. It's hard to go cold turkey, even though I know it's best for me and my family.  

I realize it seems asinine to continue to give him chances. I KNOW this. But it goes beyond that. It's about whats irrational and illogical; that's what an addiction is. I'm a social worker. If I had a client sitting across from me I would give her MUCH different advice than what I'm actually practicing.

I'm not continuing to give him chances for HIS sake. I'm continuing to give him chances because I love my children and want them to know their (sober) father. S came crying to me last night because she didn't get to see D yesterday. "Why isn't he coming tonight? What is he doing? I want him to stay with us and sleep in our house like he used to do." The image of A's 19 month old face, with a smile so big it literally takes over her entire face when he walks in the door, is what wants me to continue to give him chances.

He won't get many more. I promise that. But I'm not quite done being hopeful for my children. I've given up on remaining married, but have not yet made that final decision that he will not be involved with his children.

.04 to .07

Yup. He sucks. And is a liar. He arrived yesterday at 7:40 am, with McD's breakfast for me. My gut told me something was up, but I ignored it. I had him do the breathalyzer and it was .04. He insisted it was from the night before. Even then, I'm not sure I believed him, but he's been doing so well that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

When I got home last night, he was READY to leave. Shoes were on, he was out the door. I asked him to blow again. He walked into the other room and did it. I could hear him, and he came back and said he got an error message. I told him to do it again. He walked away again and came back and said .00 and handed it to me. I told him the reading had already disappeared and asked him to do it again.

.07

SO, you were .04 this AM and didn't drink anything today and now there is MORE alcohol in your system. How is that possible? I don't know. Jerk. Fucking JERK. I told him to leave, and that I didn't need his help today.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I mean, I get that it's an illness, but I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE. SUCK IT UP AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN. OR NOT. JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE, OUT OF THEIR LIFE.

I swear, it would be easier for me if he just left town. Seriously. Then, I wouldn't have to worry. And feel guilty about not letting our kids see him.

And yes, I searched for the bottle(s), but never did fit it/them.

Mediation take 2

Well, this is moving right along. Saturday was our 2nd session. We got all $$$/property figured out. Poor attorney, I'm not sure he knew what to do with a couple that WASN'T fighting. He was going into detail about the equity in our house, condo and 2 cars and doing his best to make it fair and even. D and I just looked at each other and then him and told him we didn't really care about the equity. I'll get my car and the house, D will get his car and condo. D is foregoing taking any of my 403B (to which he's entitled) and instead will take my Roth IRA, which is minimal. Otherwise, we'll split our trust 50/50.

He said several times that he doesn't care about the money and his main concern is that I have enough to take care of the kids.

He's on a roll and doing really well. Not staying sober necessarily, but being really productive. He spent several hours at our house on Saturday after the appt, and then all day on Sunday and spent the night Sunday night. I asked him to do so, in the event our sitter couldn't make it Monday morning, due to 14" of snow. Plus, he was with S all day on Friday b/c she was sick. He's not been drinking while he's with us.

He probably WILL move into our condo asap, instead of staying in his apartment. It will cost money upfront (to get out of lease and out of our contract with leasing company), but in the long run I will REALLY appreciate not having to play landlord. And at least this way, D isn't throwing money away into an apartment, it will go towards his equity. I hate that he'll be farther away from our house, although not much, but I do think it will be a relief for me. And once he re-fi's (we have a year to do so), it won't be my property anyway and he can do anything to it that he pleases.

So, the question of the day is what in the world will we do for our TENTH anniversary, which is this Friday. At mediation, he asked "when is the 29th?" I knew what he was getting at and told him it is next Friday, and asked sort of tongue in cheek, how we should celebrate. He thinks we should take the kids to an early dinner. I'm not opposed to that. I think neither of us will want to be alone and as he said "technically, we're still married." I'm fine with it, looking forward to it actually. He's my friend, the father of my beautiful babies, and I LIKE him (most of the time!).

Also, the lawyer brought up legal separation vs divorce. Apparently there is really no difference, except that with legal separation the couple is technically still married, so the spouse without insurance (D, in this case), would still be eligible for insurance.  I'm ALL about the legal separation, so long as it helps to keep him insured. My HR rep is trying to figure out the specifics and see if this is even a possibility with my employer. I can revise to "divorced" at any time, if I want to remarry (gasp!), if he gets disability (and then qualifies for Med.icaid), etc.

guilt

Another good day for D, at least as of about 12:30 this afternoon. He called me to say he's been productive, but had some questions for me. He needs the the account and routing number for his checking account, since his social security disabilty application requires it. He also informed me that he needs proof that he's been insured (car) for the last x years. I asked why. He said he's going with a new (online) company b/c they provide liability only coverage for $35. Well now THAT'S all he needs. He could hear the concern in my voice and immediately told me that of course he'll get more than just liability. Yeah right. This is where my new umbrella policy might come in handy.:-/

He's also trying to schedule an appt with a local mental health agency, but they require him to get authorization from our insurance. He really just has no idea how to do things like this. I told him to call the number on the back of the insurance card and they'd guide him in the right direction.

He told me he'd gone to AA again last night. I believe him. He's doing all of this in prep for our mediation meeting on Saturday. Procrastinate much?

He happened to call me as I was pulling into the mall parking lot. After our call, I went shopping. I was in the middle of the store, arms full of clothes to try on, and I thought of him. Immediate guilt. He's holed up in his little apartment, scrimping on car insurance, and here I am going on a spending spree. Now, I didn't think about putting anything down, but it did make me think twice before moving on. But really, this is MY money damnit, and I haven't been shopping since Thanksgiving. And REALLY, it's my money now, since D's paycheck goes into his own account.  But, the irony wasn't lost and me, and neither was the guilt:(

Then, I was sitting in the mall eating a pretzel, because I cannot REMEMBER the last time I actually sat down without having a child attached to me, and I started thinking. And thought, maybe I'm just being overdramatic. Maybe I'm just blowing this all out of proportion and it's not really as bad as I think it as, or as I portray it to be, to others. Maybe I can live with this. And THEN I think back to the post I made about the top 10 things he did when he was drunk, that actually turned into 12 things. Those things actually HAPPENED. To ME!  I played those over in my mind and thought, nope. Even if I AM over-reacting or blowing it out of proportion, I am not happy with continuing to have to live like I have been living, to deal with what I've had no choice but to deal with (because until now, I hadn't had the strength to leave).  I absolutely hate that I could double think myself into staying. I know I have in the past. I won't this time, but my mind is just not logical sometimes.

Then, I talk with my mom who tells me about a fairly recent occasion (last few months prior to him moving out) when my parents were in their car ready to leave our house for the day and they could HEAR D yelling at S, through closed windows, into our driveway. I was LIVID. At the time, my dad told my mom that he needed to tell me. My mom told him that it wasn't their business. My dad said that he knew I would not approve of what was going on. So, I hear about this months later...the good news is I that I felt a hell of a lot less guilty about the shopping spree I'd just gone on.

Finally, as I'm driving out of the parking lot I had the oddest memory pop up, of when we first met. It was within the first 3 months of meeting him, b/c we hadn't yet moved in together. We went to dinner and a movie, and of course dinner consisted of several drinks, for both of us. He fell asleep in the movie. I remember at the time we joked about it, I thought it was funny, and chalked it up to a horrible movie. Um, hello red flag that I refused to see!

Waiting for the other shoe...

I think it's safe to say that if you love someone with ANY addiction, and they are in a good place, you are ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will. At least for D. That's me right now. Part of me is very relaxed, because there is no chaos. But the other part of me is completely anxious, knowing that this "lull" is just that.

Yes, he's still drinking. BUT, this is day #3 that he's in a good place. He's even feeling so good that he visited with my parents today while they were at our house watching babies. This was the first meeting since I told my parents that he  moved out. Both D and my mom said it was awkward, but OK. According to her he said something like "I still love her, I love my children, but this isn't a good situation anymore." That was her version of what he said. I sort of know what he was trying to say at least.

It's relaxing times like this that I fall into SO easily, and then am unfotrunately yanked out of much too quickly. NOW is the time to expect a call from the hospital, or jail, etc, because of course it's at the most unexpected time.

ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that's no way to live.

I hate that my feelings are still SO tied up with his. I got home last night, and he was "on." Cooking, cleaning, playing with babies. Things were good. He went to an AA meeting last night (yes, I'm fairly certain). He stayed home until 6:30 and the meeting started at 7. He told me he was afraid if he left home early he'd head to the store and never make it to the meeting. Progress!  Anyhoo...I was buzzing around our house picking up, putting away, general cleaning, GREAT mood. All b/c he is doing well. If I'd gotten home and he'd been drinking, I would have kicked him out and sulked around the rest of the night, counting the minutes until my babies were in bed so that I could hide under my own covers. I hate that it's like that. I feel like I'm making progress, but last night it was so obvious that I was riding on HIS high.

Denial. Yes or No?

Just now, I heard both insight and denial within the same 5 minutes. I called D to see if I needed anything before I came home. We talked a minute, and then he says that J IM'd him on FB. J (and my bff S) are also getting a divorce. J had no idea about ours. The insight? D told him that the divorce is happening because of his drinking. Good, good. That's progress!

The denial? A few minutes later I asked him if he'd called any of the agencies I'd sent him to get an appt. He said "noooo, I'm not really sure what to say about why I'm calling. I mean, what do I need?"

Um, hahahahahaha?! Funny, right? Thankfully, I didn't laugh. I did say that he needs to call and let them know he's going through a divorce, and that him being able to see his kids is contingent on him receiving on-going therapy.

That bit of denial aside, he DOES seem to be in a better place the last two days. Before he left last night, I asked if he'd been to AA. He said no, but that he was going when he left. Obviously he didn't. Otherwise, he's been productive with work, patient with babies, etc, both yesterday and today. He mentioned his car lasting at least 10 more years. He rarely talks about the future, so it always makes me feel good when I hear things like that. THESE are the days when I get a teeny bit hopeful. This is the D that I want, that is rational/logical/HAPPY. I also know, based on past experience, that this could just be because we're seeing the lawyer on Saturday. He has a history of doing this prior to dr appts also. Like, he's trying so hard to make himself better so he has something good to report. Then, of course, Saturday night and into Sunday will probably be a fiasco.

Oh, and another funny...during the same convo as above he asked about our car insurance. I'd already told him that I got a new policy in just my name, and explained that he can keep the policy we have, just to take my name off and change his address. He said "so I paid $240 last week. That was for me and you, for what, 3 months?" "Um no, that was for us, for ONE month." He was shocked, and I said "well, that's what happens..." "That's what happens when what?" "When you have a driving record as shitty as yours!" That shut him up.

He just CANNOT connect the dots. I really wonder if some of it isn't just plain old neurological problems from drinking. If not, he's certainly the poster child for I HAVE NO INSIGHT INTO MY ILLNESS.

Remember our condo debacle? How he decided to show up unannounced and have a 1 person party? To do damage control, I had to let the tenants have the ability to break their lease as early as March 1. So, of course 24 hours AFTER D signs his apartment lease, the tenants put in their notice. It's always freaking something. Anyhoo, I say all that to say that a few weeks after they put in their notice, D and I were talking about the condo. He said "the last time I was in there, the place was a mess. The kitchen was dirty..." I just cut him off and not so politely reminded him that the LAST time he was in there is the REASON we're in this freaking predicament in the first place and he just needed to keep his mouth shut about it. I mean, really, who in their right mind would even bring that up?!?