I really do like to look for the best in people/things/events. Perhaps this is part of the reason I've kept D around for so long.
I feel SO blessed with the support I have received, once I "outed" myself (and D). As someone who loves an alcoholic, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, secretive, fearful, etc. Feelings not much different than what D feels, WHEN he feels. It took alot for me to admit to my friends what was going on, and to be HONEST about what is going in. To be honest with others forces you to be honest with yourself, and it's hard. Really hard. Sometimes impossible. But, I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted since I started sharing.
Very often now, I feel wrapped in love. I have friends e-mail, text, give me hugs, call just to make sure things are ok. My boss brought me dinner on Sunday night. My mom is doing my laundry. People are praying for me. It feels good.
I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. It's hard to be completely honest here, for fear of what others may think about my situation. To someone who has never experienced a relationship like this, I understand how hard it is to NOT think "what the fuck is she thinking by staying/why did she stay so long, etc." I made a comment several weeks ago that I'm as sick as D. It's true. I believe it. He may be addicted to alcohol, but I'm addicted to him, to the drama that surrounds him. The reasons he drinks are deep-seeded; the reasons I love him are also. There's a reason I picked HIM. That's next in therapy, lol:) Yes, it may SEEM like an obvious choice to cut all ties, but it's not that easy. It's hard to go cold turkey, even though I know it's best for me and my family.
I realize it seems asinine to continue to give him chances. I KNOW this. But it goes beyond that. It's about whats irrational and illogical; that's what an addiction is. I'm a social worker. If I had a client sitting across from me I would give her MUCH different advice than what I'm actually practicing.
I'm not continuing to give him chances for HIS sake. I'm continuing to give him chances because I love my children and want them to know their (sober) father. S came crying to me last night because she didn't get to see D yesterday. "Why isn't he coming tonight? What is he doing? I want him to stay with us and sleep in our house like he used to do." The image of A's 19 month old face, with a smile so big it literally takes over her entire face when he walks in the door, is what wants me to continue to give him chances.
He won't get many more. I promise that. But I'm not quite done being hopeful for my children. I've given up on remaining married, but have not yet made that final decision that he will not be involved with his children.
You are loved and I'm so glad that you've not only opened up to me, but to express your feelings here on your blog - where others can see, give input, where you can go back and reflect on - that shows so much strength, courage and growth. I truly am very proud of you and even though I haven't been in a relationship like yours, I do understand the hope that you are clinging to and certainly don't feel that you are any less strong for wanting D to be there for your children. It's a long, tough road - one filled with ups and downs - and huge hills to tackle and bumps to get over - but with or without D, you are doing it and for that, be proud of YOURSELF. I will never judge you. You are my friend.
ReplyDeleteIt makes complete sense and nobody can fault you for feeling the way you do. I wish there was an easy solution but I know there is not. You're on the right path, and I know it's not an easy one.
ReplyDelete