guilt

Another good day for D, at least as of about 12:30 this afternoon. He called me to say he's been productive, but had some questions for me. He needs the the account and routing number for his checking account, since his social security disabilty application requires it. He also informed me that he needs proof that he's been insured (car) for the last x years. I asked why. He said he's going with a new (online) company b/c they provide liability only coverage for $35. Well now THAT'S all he needs. He could hear the concern in my voice and immediately told me that of course he'll get more than just liability. Yeah right. This is where my new umbrella policy might come in handy.:-/

He's also trying to schedule an appt with a local mental health agency, but they require him to get authorization from our insurance. He really just has no idea how to do things like this. I told him to call the number on the back of the insurance card and they'd guide him in the right direction.

He told me he'd gone to AA again last night. I believe him. He's doing all of this in prep for our mediation meeting on Saturday. Procrastinate much?

He happened to call me as I was pulling into the mall parking lot. After our call, I went shopping. I was in the middle of the store, arms full of clothes to try on, and I thought of him. Immediate guilt. He's holed up in his little apartment, scrimping on car insurance, and here I am going on a spending spree. Now, I didn't think about putting anything down, but it did make me think twice before moving on. But really, this is MY money damnit, and I haven't been shopping since Thanksgiving. And REALLY, it's my money now, since D's paycheck goes into his own account.  But, the irony wasn't lost and me, and neither was the guilt:(

Then, I was sitting in the mall eating a pretzel, because I cannot REMEMBER the last time I actually sat down without having a child attached to me, and I started thinking. And thought, maybe I'm just being overdramatic. Maybe I'm just blowing this all out of proportion and it's not really as bad as I think it as, or as I portray it to be, to others. Maybe I can live with this. And THEN I think back to the post I made about the top 10 things he did when he was drunk, that actually turned into 12 things. Those things actually HAPPENED. To ME!  I played those over in my mind and thought, nope. Even if I AM over-reacting or blowing it out of proportion, I am not happy with continuing to have to live like I have been living, to deal with what I've had no choice but to deal with (because until now, I hadn't had the strength to leave).  I absolutely hate that I could double think myself into staying. I know I have in the past. I won't this time, but my mind is just not logical sometimes.

Then, I talk with my mom who tells me about a fairly recent occasion (last few months prior to him moving out) when my parents were in their car ready to leave our house for the day and they could HEAR D yelling at S, through closed windows, into our driveway. I was LIVID. At the time, my dad told my mom that he needed to tell me. My mom told him that it wasn't their business. My dad said that he knew I would not approve of what was going on. So, I hear about this months later...the good news is I that I felt a hell of a lot less guilty about the shopping spree I'd just gone on.

Finally, as I'm driving out of the parking lot I had the oddest memory pop up, of when we first met. It was within the first 3 months of meeting him, b/c we hadn't yet moved in together. We went to dinner and a movie, and of course dinner consisted of several drinks, for both of us. He fell asleep in the movie. I remember at the time we joked about it, I thought it was funny, and chalked it up to a horrible movie. Um, hello red flag that I refused to see!