Vodka or wine?

When you are the partner of an alcoholic, you learn to be curious, distrustful, resentful of everything that they drink. You rarely believe that they are *just* drinking a soda, or lemonade, or water. Surely, it has to be mixed with something else.

Part of my obsessiveness with Ds drinking, is to take a sip to see what it is. Even if I KNOW it's wine, or rum, or whatever, in some odd way, it gives me some control back. You're not getting anything over on me. Minimally, I'll stick my nose over the cup to see if what I smell.

Tonight, after D left I noticed an empty sports drink bottle in the recycle bin. I looked at, and walked away.  I walked back, and just couldn't fight it. I noticed there was a teeny bit left, so I turned it up to see what I could determine. Vodka. I think. Could it have been wine? He has been known to mix white wine with lemon flavored drinks b/c they look so similar. No, pretty sure it's vodka. And from there, I was off. Bound and determined to find the freaking VODKA bottle, that he'd been drinking while caring for our little people.

I looked in all the usual places. He's always been a "hider" but never a good one. He'll stick in a cabinet, or behind the shower curtain. Nothing too crazy. During periods of sobriety, I've asked him about it. If you're going to hide it, why don't you HIDE it. For him, it's not so much about me not finding it, but rather the routine of putting it somewhere. Addict mentality.

Oh, and, the first place I looked was the dumpster. Unfortunately, tomorrow is trash day, and he'd taken  our dumpsters to the curb before he left. There I was, 5:30 pm, people coming home from work and I am looking through our dumpsters. I didn't find the the vodka bottle, but I did find 2 wine bottles. Interesting.

Back inside, I looked in usual places in the garage, in the kitchen. Damnit, I was GOING to find the vodka. I went downstairs and looked around a bit. Like his addict mind, once that thought was in my head, I could NOT let it go. I needed to get the control back.

I never did find the vodka, but I did find an almost empty box of wine, hidden on the floor behind some picture frames that were propped against the wall in our basement. When I find alcohol, I always struggle with what to do. I mean, I'd FOUND it, I felt in control again. But, do I leave it, dump it, or throw the bottle in his lap? I've done all three. This time, I decided to leave it. I wasn't sure how long it had been there. There were just a few glasses left. For D, he needs to drink a bottle to get back to feeling normal. A few glasses in, and you don't even know he's been drinking. He'll be here tomorrow afternoon. I'll check after he's gone and see if he drank it. More ammunition for me.

I got back upstairs, and kept staring at the empty sports drink bottle in the bin. Where in the HELL was the vodka. One last time, I tried to taste what was left. Wine? No. Definately vodka.

Trust me, I realize this post makes me sound as sick as him. I feel like I am.