Therapy for ME

Turns out that the EAP therapist I'm seeing, also sees a handful of other women whose husbands are alcoholics. Sooooo, she got 4 of us together for a group session last night.

It was hard! As they filed into the waiting room, I refused to make eye contact with any. I just couldn't. Finally, she herded us into the room and we HAD to look at each other, lol. First, we had to tell "our" story. I should preface that by saying we told excerpts of our story, as we all agreed that telling the full story of being married to someone with addiction would have take the entire group time.

I was the "least" married, at almost 10 years. The others were at 12, 19, and 25 years. The woman married 25 years was obv the oldest, about 65 I would guess. The one married 19 years was probably 45ish and the other was very close to my age I think, late 30s/early 40s.

They all went first with their story telling. Each of of them ended the story with some version of "I don't know how much more I can take/I need to get out." When it was time for me to talk, when they learned that I *am* getting out, I could sense all ears perk up. The therapist asked me to talk about my experience so far with the legal world.

There were most definately commonalities/common themes between us. History of DUIs, lost jobs, money troubles, etc. I sort of felt like though, at times, the other 3 were putting me in a different category than themselves, because I am half a step ahead of them in the process. And trust me, I GET it, but I didn't like that feeling. One time, one woman looked at me and said "I'm happy for you. I am. But I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen." By the time I'd processed what she'd said, we'd already moved on, but I just wanted to respond "just because he's out of the house doesn't mean I'm NOT waiting for the next bad thing to happen!" Actually, I wanted to scream it. She pissed me off.

When the first woman (married 25 years) told her story, I just wanted to hug her, lol. At the end, she just said "I just want him out. And I don't know how to do it." Lord, I have been there many times. There ARE "outs," but' it's impossible to see them at the time.

My take away message hit me like a ton of bricks VERY early into the group, and I've been thinking about it since. As I listened to the others tell their stories, how long they'd been married, how long they've lived with their spouses, I thought...

Dear God, this could be me. If I don't get out, I could be sitting her in 2 or 9 or 15 years completely desperate to get out of the relationship, but still not have the guts to do it.  My children could be teenagers, or close to it, and have grown up witnessing every sick and unhealthy thing their father does as he lays down and lets the addiction completely encompass him.

I refuse to let that happen.