lyrics.

I listen to Pan.dora at work alot. Recently, I've been loving my Mum.ford and Sons station, which also mixes in some Jack Johnson, Adele, Vertical Horizon. Mellow, good work music. It's on right now, as I was working on a task. There was a song playing, I wasn't really paying attention, although I knew I'd never heard it. Finally, the words started to hit me, and I just stopped what I was doing and listened, and then pulled up the lyrics. It's "Ghost.s that we k.new" by Mumfor.d and Sons. Lyrics below. It is eerie, and haunting and very troubling for me. I feel this is what D is trying to say. Most likely, it's what I WANT him to say. I want him to come to his senses. He's being selfish. He's not being fair. He's not playing fair. And, I deserve that. Our babies deserve that.  Yesterday, I was bitter. Today, I'm just sad. Sad for what he is feeling. Sad that he's not strong enough to fight it. Sad that he won't let me help. Sad. Completely helpless. Completely and utterly helpless.

You saw my pain, washed out in the rain
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright

So lead me back
Turn south from that place
And close my eyes to my recent disgrace
Cause you know my call
And we'll share my all
And our children come, they will hear me roar
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me that we'll be alright

But hold me still bury my heart on the cold
And hold me still bury my heart next to yours

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
And I will hold on with all of my might
Just promise me that we'll be alright

But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life


I want him to let me pick up his hope. I want his children to hear him roar. I want them to see him beat the SHIT out of this.

I saw him pop up on FB this morning, so at least I know he's not dead (today, right now).

I had a therapy appt yesterday. Therapist was very obviously pleased with my progress, as I am. BUT, I told her I was still feeling anxious. She asked why. I brought up the comment that the woman had made in the group, implying that I was "out" and had nothing else to worry about. First, she assured me that it's normal that she feels like that, b/c she's in the stage where she thinks if she gets out it'll be all sunshine and roses. I'm in the spot where I know that's not true.

She asked about the worst thing that could happen. I said "I could bury my husband." She didn't throw any of the crystal ball crap at me. She knew I was being honest, possibly a little dramatic, but I feel like the more she learns about my story, the more she realizes that I don't really exagerate. My truth (OUR truth) is ridiculously crazy.
I WILL bury him, whether it's as his wife or his ex-wife. He has no one else. And, it would be wrong for me NOT to do it.