I arrived at the appointment on Saturday with very much a "we" mentality. We can do this, we can make this as easy as possible, etc. D and I had small talk on the way up the elevator. But, once he lied about drinking the day before, it was like a switch flipped for me. A wall went up, and my mama bear claws came out.
The room we were in was very much like what you see on TV, except smaller. Marble table, big cushy chairs. We were sitting across from each other and I remember looking at him and thinking who IS that man. He doesn't even LOOK like the person I married. He's gained 60 pounds since Sophie was born, contributed mostly to his stopping smoking and not working outside of the home. His weight has never been an issue for me, except for his own health repercussions. But on Saturday, he just looked swollen. His eyes were slits.
When J asked him about his last drink, D told him it was about 11 pm the night before. Once J and I were in private session, he mentioned that and said that he could SMELL the alcohol in his sweat, sort of implying that he felt like D was lying.
When it was Ds turn for a private session I went to the restroom and then waited outside the office until they were done. I heard D say "Stacey's been nothing but great. She's given me every opportunity to change."
Damn right. At least he acknowledged that, even if it wasn't to my face. Something that I've always been bitter about is his lack of acknowledgement about how his behaviors affect me. MANY years ago, when he was really into AA and working the steps, he'd gotten to the one about making amends. I remember thinking, wow, ok, so here it is, I might get an apology, at least a MENTION of what he has put me through. NADA. He talked about making amends with his best friend, and his brother and I think even his mom, but not me. NOT HIS WIFE THAT HAS STOOD BY HIM THROUGH EVERYTHING. That bitterness has been floating just below the surface for me, for many years. Maybe many years into the future he might actually realize how he's treated me. But, I'm not holding my breath.
I bought a breathalyzer today. Who knew you can only get them at B.est Buy, if you don't want to have to order. It's a little one, key chain size, decent reviews. I can't quite picture how this is going to play out. I may not ask him to use it today. My big concern (question) is tomorrow. From a psychology standpoint, I wouldn't ask him to use it every day. If it's going to act as a deterrent, it's better for him to NOT expect it every day, and sort of keeping him wondering when I'll pull it out. But honestly, if he's going to drink, he's going to drink. At least this way, I'll be able to put something on record that he failed a test/how many times he failed the test. Just added ammunition for the court to say YOU SUCK, you can't have your kids.
It's nice to know that somewhere, deep down - D acknowledges how great you've been through everything - but for him to never say it directly to you? Wow, that has to sting. You have every right to the bitterness you feel toward him. He has used every bit of you for his benefit all these years without once letting you know that he's grateful, or appreciative, or even sorry for what he's put you through? To me, that is wrong and very selfish of him, not very husband-like or even friend-like if you ask me. I saw this quote, just yesterday I believe - and right away thought of you. "Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions." I don't expect you to be able to turn off a switch and just stop caring. You're always going to care to some extent, but every time you are lamenting over something "D related", try taking a moment to think about how much energy he's putting into the same thoughts, feelings, emotions. Not very much energy on his part I'm sure. Focus as best as you can on how YOU are single-handedly making things better for your life, the life of the babies... that is what matters and that is what deserves your energy.
ReplyDeleteOh - and the breathalyzer - heck yeah break it out when he least expects it. You know him well enough to know if he's been drinking. You'll know when to use it. He'll fail, and that will be the ammo you need for the courts. Sadly, it's that simple.