Gah. I can't explain the normalness that is US, when D isn't drinking. It's like nothing has happened. He was at home with all 3 yesterday. Instead of rushing out the door when I got home, he stayed until about 7 (much appreciated!). We sat, we watched TV, we TALKED. It wasn't weird, it wasn't strained. We weren't ignoring the divorce, it came up. But we talked about it so very matter of factly. It felt SO normal that I almost told him I loved him as he left. I didn't.
I did ask him if he felt the slightest bit of relief that he is actually able to LEAVE our house and go to his own space. I know this has been a big issue for him in the past, feeling like he has no where to "escape." He responded by starting to cry:( He said "No. You'd think it'd be relief, but it's just lonely. It's lonely without the noise." It once again took all I had not to hold him and beg him to stay. But, again, I knew that it wouldn't work.
I'm not fighting him, I'm fighting the addiction. And I know I can't win.
But I still feel so SAD for him.
As for me, there is some relief when he leaves. Relief that I won't wake to food all over the kitchen floor, or to hear him rattling around in the fridge at midnight. HUGE relief that the alcoholic smell is gone. It's amazing how that smell can permeate a room, just by the person being IN the room.
The normalness returned this morning, when he came over. He mentioned that his rent is due today. Poor thing, he looked like a helpless little man. I take care of ALL finances, always have. It's never been an issue for us. He knows he sucks with money. He said "I'm not used to doing this." We talked about our checking account, and that he'll need to get a check book. Again, aside from the content, it was a NORMAL conversation. I guess I just expect divorce to be explosive fighing and constant nit-picking. Trust me, there's a fair amount of nit-picking that goes on, on both our parts, but not really any more than before we started discussing divorce.
My parents are staying with babies tomorrow while I'm at work. D had originally planned to not be there. He has not seen them since I told them what's going on. I know he feels akward. THEY feel akward. I reminded him last night that they were coming, and that he didn't need to be home, unless he wanted to be. As of now, he's planning on arriving before I go to work, and staying for a bit after they get to our house. He asked if they had reason to hate him. I assured him they didn't, and that they are prepared to offer him as much support with this as he is willing to accept.
My grandfather will also be visiting with my parents tomorrow. He loves his great grandbabies:) So of course, he knows now. Slowly but surely, it's getting out there. I'm lucky in that most of my family doesn't have that "stay married at any cost" mentality. My grandfathers main concern is Sophie, and of course me. But, I have no doubt that he'll treat D with the utmost courtesy.
"I'm not fighting him, I'm fighting the addiction. And I know I can't win." <--- Truer words have never been written! Right there is this whole mess in a nutshell and as sad as you are and as much as you miss sober D, and as sad and lonely as D is, it is in HIS HANDS. I truly believe that this is the one and only way for D to get his head out of his butt and fight his addiction. It may not feel like it to you (or to D) right now, but you are doing what is best for him. Yes, you are protecting the babies and yourself - as you should be, but if you didn't shake things up, nothing would have ever changed. Maybe they will for D. Maybe they won't. But that's his choice. What is certain though is that you won't have to wake to clean up his messes anymore, to gag at the stench of alcohol, to worry about the horrible behavior that the kids are seeing first hand. You are standing up for what is right and I can only hope that through all of this, sober D will be around more often than not so you can have your friend back and the babies can have the daddy they deserve.
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