Mediation take 1

Wow. Drained is an understatement, but my brain is racing too much to try to nap. This is going to be long, and probably disjointed, but here goes...

J (attorney) addressed the white elephant the 2nd we sat down. You're an alcoholic. How long have you been an alcoholic. What's your longest period of sobriety? What treatments have you tried? AA? Meds? It went on and on and on. D was crying within the first five minutes. J wasn't harsh, or uncompassionate, but was really nailing him hard with these questions.

It was pretty non emotional for me, except when D lied about drinking yesterday. He had already admitted to drinking while caring for the babies, but when he asked about the last time, D said "it's been several days." I yelled "you're lying." He said "prove it." I was PISSED.

It was clear from early on that I was going to get exactly what I wanted, there was no question in Js mind what needs to be done.


We talked in detail about our daily parenting plan.

We discussed Ss daycare, and how the  babies will start going somewhere every Thurs and Fri, beginning this week. That my parents come on Wed., and that we have a sitter on Monday mornings.  That leaves Monday afternoon and Tuesdays. J mentioned 2 ideas: SCRAM bracelet (which would alert me the 2nd alcohol gets in the bloodstream) but is also a few hundred dollars a month, or a breathylzer.  That's what we're going with.

The temporary plan is the below. We will adhere to this plan until the end of mediation, at which time a final plan will be in place.
I can arrive home anytime he is alone with them and ask him to blow. If he refuses, it's an admission of guilt. If he blows and it's positive, he leaves immediately and loses his priveleges until the next Monday. I'm fine with that. On weekends, it's at my discretion whether I allow him to come over. I told J that D is welcome 24/7 as long as he's sober, and D confirmed that that's the case.

Additionally, he has to attend two AA meetings a week, and get hooked up with an agency for therapy services. The agency needs to be one that can move him to sliding scale once he's off my insurance.

That was really the bulk of it. He met with each of separately as well. He asked what my long term goal was for a final parenting plan. I told him honestly that I expect one of 3 things to happen in the next 12 months: 1) he dies, 2) he's in jail, or 3) he leaves town and I don't hear from him again (or for a long time). J was slightly dumbfounded at this, but it was obvious that he believed me. He said "I don't like any of those options. What happens if one of those 3 DOESN'T happen." I told him my perfect world scenario was to give D as much time with his kids as we wanted. That I want him engaged in their life, and going to softball games, etc. I reiterated AGAIN that I am in no way trying to keep them apart.

I was pleased with Js desire to create a plan that can continue (if D chooses) after the divorce, like getting into an agency where he can continue, and not have to jump through hoops to be seen.

He told D to apply fopr SSD asap, just b/c of the time factor. He also mentioned that if approved, the babies would get a check as well. .Who knew?!

Oh dear LORD how did I forget this. Within the first 10 minutes of the conversation he said "D, if I set up a lie detector test right now, and asked you the question 'what is more important, a glass of wine or being a father to your 3 kids, how would you respond.'" And then there was silence. His response (finally) was "being a father to my kids, but I know actions speak louder than words." Js response to that was "your hesitation before answering gave me your answer." I DID get a little teary then.

OK, I'm done for now. There's more, I knew there''s more, but thinking about that last paragraph completely drained me.