checking in...

Things are going ok (knock on wood). D's being as good as I can expect. He spent most of the day Sat and Sun at our house. I still wish he would engage more with our kids, but that could just be asking TOO much of him. I want him on the floor rolling around, PLAYING. When he does play, it seems so forced. At least he is trying, I guess?

I'm going through a good streak of keeping my shit together. Sure, there's chaos every day, but I'm trying hard to pick the battles I can (bathing my children), and not worrying about the others (toys all over the floor before bed). I'm very clearly trying to remain in control though. My house smells like a bottle of Pine-Sol, I do laundry and a load of dishes every night, most nights our trashcans are emptied before bed.  These are the things I can control.  I'm trying really hard to let go of the things I can't.

Re: S, I have not so great news about the agency I contacted. What I didn't mention in the last post is that I work with this agency on one of my projects. I found out a bit ago that because of this relationship, they won't provide services to us until that relationship is over. That will be September, at the earliest. She can't wait that long. I don't WANT her to wait that long. They will e-mail me with names of our resources in the area, and there is always my EAP that offers 5 free sessions each year.

Yes, of course I thought about sexual abuse. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't. And no, I'm not in denial, but I don't think that's it. This is S. I hate to label her as "shy" because I don't think that's true. She looks nothing like me, but I think she's definately inherited some of my social anxiety. In her entire little life, there have been VERY few people that she is genuinely comfortable being around.  Like me, she's a wanna be joiner, but never/rarely feels confident enough to make that step. Up until now, she's been leary of men AND women. Recently though (since D moved out), she's really taken to my female friends. As you might imagine, I've had a steady stream of friends/sitters in and out of my house. From the beginning, she wanted nothing to do (at least immediately) with either gender. Now though, she is becoming emotionally clingy to females and either avoiding/showing discomfort with the males. There were actually times this weekend she would have nothing to do with D. Just flat out refused to look at him, talk to him, etc. I did have a talk with him about what I think is going on, and that I felt she needed some help to work through it. He just looked at me. Not like he didn't believe me, but more of an "ok, whatever you think."

Over the weekend, I questioned her more about B. He's really the only male she's around, and that is r.a.r.e. On those occasions, C (his wife) is always there. On separate occasions I had conversations with her about appropriate touching.  This is NOT a taboo subject in my house, we talk about penises and 'ginas all.the.time.  I'm probably TOO open about subjects like that. Regardless, I honest to GOD don't think this is any sort of abuse issue. That said, for her own mental health, I will try to minimize her discomfort as much as possible. The only day she may (if at all) be in contact with B are Fridays. This Friday, we have an appt, so she will only spend a portion of the day there. Next Friday, b/c of crazy schedules, she won't be there at all.

I just want her to feel better. To feel comfortable. I know the crazy anxiety I get (even medicated) and I hate the thought of her feeling like that:(