I'm baaaackkkkk!

New Orleans was great. Very relaxing, but not very restful. Lots to see, eat and drink, but I enjoyed it all:) I can honestly say I left home for the airport that morning without a tear in my eye;) I.needed.it.

My friend, L, that went with me is a talker. I've known her since 7th grade. Although she has her own set of issues, she is extremely insightful. Her dad was an abusive alcoholic. Her mom finally divorced him when L was 4, after he held a gun to her 8 year old brothers head. She was completely floored that I had held in so much. I guess I really didn't realize I had. It's just part of the illness/enabling. We did a lot of therapy while there. It was good. Really good. I came to several new conclusions, and some of the things she said really stuck with me.

We were sitting in a bar at 2 in the afternoon, listening to dueling pianos, singing along to all my fave songs (think old school Elton John, Billy Joel) and I said "D would have HATED this place. We would NOT be sitting here." I explained that he hates loud places, that he views as obnoxious, hates listening to the same songs over and over that he's "been listening to since he was five." Both of the nights before we had been out at other sing along places. I sang so loud I woke up hoarse both days. L looked at me and said "this is YOU. This is HAPPY you. The old 'S.' And he doesn't like it." It made me sad, so sad. I didn't change FOR him. It wasn't blatant. But, in an attempt to fit in to his idea of fun/normal, I DID change. I needed to hear it.

What's weighing on my mind more than anything else though, is that S is clearly suffering. While I was gone, my brother in law was over at our house for a bit. My mom called to tell me that S was acting funny, wanting NOTHING to do with him. She LOVES him, talks about him a fair amount, despite not seeing him that often. It got so bad that she went in the other room until he left. When my parents found her, she was flushed and had a slightly elevated temp.  Prior to this happening, I've noticed her obsessing about our sitter C's husband, B. B is GREAT. He's my co-worker. She talks about him ALOT, and has over the past few months. "Where's B? Is he at home? Did you see him at work? etc.' BUT, when she is around him she wants nothing to do with him and becomes clingy to me. Now, I'm not deluded enough to think that just because he's "nice" something might not have happened. I've questioned her about it several times, when it seemed natural to do so. She's never given me an answers that we reason for alarm, and in general she seems to like him.

This morning, I dropped the 3 off at C's house. B was home, and S saw him as soon as she walked in. Cue the clingyness. I walked into the playroom with her, and the babies, along with C and her 3 kids. I looked down and S was crying. Clearly distraught. I KNEW why, and tried to explain to C as best I could, while still being slightly cryptic.

My theory is that S is mad/upset, whatever adjective you want to use, with D. She doesn't feel like she can voice/show that to him. In fact, when she sees him she JUMPS in his arms. Talks about him alot (more than I wish she would). She's projecting those angry/sad feelings on to other men that she views as "like" him, b/c she sees them as close in age. She, mimimally, seems fearful around them, but usually it's more avoidant than anything. She simply wants nothing to do with them. She does NOT do this with my dad or grandfather. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

I don't know. Maybe I'm completely off base. I did mention this to cousin H this morning. She actually said that she's wondered, although it's a HUGE stretch, if some of S's physical issues (lots of colds, respiratory issues, infections, etc) are not a result of the stress/tension that she's felt in our house.

So. There is one agency in my city that specializes in treating children of divorce. They work with kids as young as 3.5, which is how old she is, as of a few days ago. I have a call in to them to talk about what's going on. I just want to slap the crap out of him for doing this to her. I do NOT want her to have "man" issues the rest of her life.:(