I felt SO bad after I realized what I'd said on Friday about hating D. I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone. It's too strong a word for me to use. In fact, I will correct S on the rare occasions she uses the word, even if it's in relation to food or something insignificant.
And then, Sat morning happened. He came over on time, but had been drinking. I tend to think he'd been drinking that morning as opposed to it being "left over" from the night before. He was on edge, ready to pick a fight. I could FEEL it. He usual leans towards an ambivilant drunk than a mean, angry drunk. Not that he was angry on Saturday, but something was off. If I were a dog, the hair would have been standing up on my neck. It didn't help that I was feeling pissy, and had been for several days. Not in relation to him, just some things going on at work. And then he had not come over on Friday night so that really set me off.
He made some all knowing comments about C, and I just about lost it, thinking how do you KNOW how sick he's been when you weren't even here. Something to that point came out of my mouth. He told me I was making him feel guilty. That I was bothering him, blah, blah. He told me he didn't have to deal with my crap and said he was leaving. This all happened in front of S:-/ She started crying. I started crying, out of anger. I was SO angry at him. He headed towards the door and she is just sobbing. I BEGGED him not to leave her. I told him that I didn't need him and care if he was there or not, but that SHE needed him. It didn't stop him. Out the door he went. In that instance, I DID hate him. Hate, hate, hate. His discomfort should come second to hers. She chased him out of the house. I let her. I didn't want to put her in that position, but it was his situation to deal with. I knew that I would pick up the pieces.
A few minutes later he came back in carrying her, and stayed the rest of the day. Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel absolutely nothing for/about him. He just "is". I don't feel tied to him, and don't really feel sad for him anymore. He's made his bed.
Yes, "hate" is a strong word, but frankly - he's causing these words to come out of your mouth (mind). You may not truly "hate" him, but every time he screws up, disappoints, ignores, drinks - he's adding to the "dislike" that is growing inside you. He HAS made his bed and as unfortunate as that is, it's all him. I wanted to cry when I read that he walked away from S. How could he do that? How?!! He needs to realize that every time he acts this way, doesn't engage with the kids, flat out walks away - he's hurting them. These things will inevitably stick with them and that is so sad. I'm so sorry that he's hurting you, hurting the kids... and I wish I knew what to say to help things get better. You guys do not deserve to be treated so poorly. (On a side note, did you happen to see what he changed his profile pic to yesterday? Maybe he is feeling some guilt about the shenanigans he pulled? Or maybe he's putting on a good show? I just thought that was very interesting.)
ReplyDeleteYes, I did see his profile pic change. That was after a "good" night at our house. He's definately into appearances, huh? I'm dying to change our relationship status on FB, but at the same time, not ready. I wish he would just do it.
ReplyDeleteDo it when YOU are ready. Those who you are close to and confide in already know and those who don't, don't need to know until you feel comfortable. I just could not get over reading this post and then seeing him change to that particular pic. It really is all about appearances with him. He should be focusing on actually being a good father, not just looking like one to the outside world.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so sad about S. I'm sorry that happened. She is so lucky to have you as a momma that fights for her feelings.
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