emotional

Probably goes without saying that this entire situation has me so emotional. I'm so angry at D right now, but at the same time so sad, worried, anxious, etc.

Other than his condo (which legally he still shares with me), he really has nothing left to lose at this point. Nothing. And yes, I understand it's his fault, and it's only through choice that he's made that he's in the situation, but I'm sad for him. I wonder if he's sad, or worried, or anxious. Probably all.

I called and he's still in the hospital, still a "silent" patient. I have to imagine he's off observation, and probably on a psych unit. It's where he needs to be, but god it must be lonely. And I hate this for him. I hate that he was dealt such a shitty hand and he couldn't overcome it.

Is this his bottom? Finally? I've thought I've seen it so many other times but I didn't. But is this it. Can he finally get his shit together and start climbing the ladder to sobriety, and happiness, and productivity?

After his last inpatient treatment (from which he relapsed 6 days later), I remember him telling me that all he could think about was alcohol and how much he wanted a drink. Is that what he's thinking now? Or is he thinking about his children, or his dog?  Or is he thinking that he has nothing left? Or is that all too painful and he's trying not to think at all?   Is he just going through the motions, participating in groups and telling a social worker what she wants to hear, just biding his time until he can get out.

I don't plan on giving Sierra back to him, unless, like I said, he REALLY proves himself, and I've yet to come up with a definition of what that means. I'm so afraid that if he doesn't get her back, that will be it for him. I thought getting a divorce would send him over the edge. If he doesn't get her back, I wouldn't be shocked at whatever he chooses to do.  And I would feel responsible.

I dread the convo telling him he can't have her. dread it.