Nothing too crazy to report. I've talked to D every other day or so. He's more and more clear and lucid, although I assume that's b/c he's out of Librium. We actually had a good discussion yesterday, and he gave me the ok to help him with his disability application. I've been wanting to, not to be in his business, but it's a hard system to navigate even when someone is mentally healthy. I made more progress in 20 minutes than he'd made in a year. Bottom line: it's not looking pretty. I spoke with a paralegal at a local firm who told me his application would be thrown out immediately b/c he is actively drinking. "They" want to see at least 6 months sobriety, in order to prove that the depression, mania, anxiety, PTSD is there in the absence of the drinking. It just really pisses me off. Alcoholism is a disease too, and at the very heart of it is the inability to stop. BUT, I do see the point of this stipulation also. 15 years ago, substance users needed only to prove that that was their dx. Now, it's not even. I have my MSW, as well as several of my friends. I cannot believe that between ALL of us, we did not know this.
So I called to tell him this. He said "well then I need to stop drinking." And I could FEEL us moving into that circular conversation where this is the topic, but no progress is made because we're talking, but not making decisions, or doing anything to move the issue forward. So frustrating, and I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about this every day. I suggested inpatient treatment. He shot it down saying he's done it before. I finally pulled the card in my back pocket. I told him that, right now, I didn't feel comfortable giving Sierra back to him. I don't feel like he can adequately take care of her. He didn't fight me. Maybe he expected it. Maybe he knows it himself. I was NOT as direct as I could have been, saying you are NOT getting her back. For good or bad, that's just not me. We ended the convo without any decisions of anything, his sobriety or the living arrangements of our dog. I feel that he's headed into another binge. My thoughts on him not getting Sierra are enough to send him there.
Prior to that convo we'd had another, in which he ended up hanging up on me. Again, we were talking about Sierra and I said I don't understand why she was with you that night. "I take her everywhere, you know that." "Why in the HELL would you take her to a fucking BAR." Hang up. His judgement, his logic, it's just not there. He either knows he F'd up, or just refuses to thinking hard enough about it to make that realization.
His bro has drafted guardianship papers. I reviewed, and they need some work. regardless, I'm not ready to file them yet, especially as I see his clarity returning. Taking ME out of the equation, I think it's a very important decision to all but take someone's rights away from them. M is worried about D's money. I have seen NO evidence that he is spending through money. Not to say that he won't, that's part of the mania...but to date, he's kept himself in check. I have no right to get control over it, nor does anyone else. I understand that M wants to make sure it's preserved as much as possible for our kids, I get that, but right now, it's not an immediate concern.
I talked to his psychiatrist last night. I had called a few days ago to discuss Sierra and the guardianship. she had limited knowledge of what happened to land him in the hospital, so I filled her in as best I could. I told her he hasn't seen his kids in 18 weeks. I told her I was struggling with what to do with Sierra. That I'd feel guilty if I gave her back and something happened, but I'd feel more guilty if I didn't give her back and something happened to him. Either way, I'm screwed, I think. As his doc, she obv couldn't give me any advice. We discussed guardianship. I told her that papers had been drafted but that I wasn't ready to move forward at this point. She did agree that if he keeps drinking, he will need a guardian to ensure that his basic needs are met, as his brain/body potentially start to fail him. It was good to talk to her. We have a very good relationship, always have, and i know she knows that my intentions in contacting her are good. We agreed that I would keep in touch if I needed.
J doesn't want me to give Sierra back. I get it. I GET IT. Poor guy. He told me yesterday that he thinks about D more than any other guy ever, and they've never even met. He WANTS to meet him. Actually wants to shake the shit out of him. Bless his heart, I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having met him. Anyhoo...it's interesting to hear his take on D and the situation, both broadly and specific to the latest incident. he understands why I would entertain giving her back. He understands my issue with the guilt. He said last night that he thinks whatever is going to happen with D is going to happen, regardless of if he has Sierra. Having her may prolong the inevitable, but what will be, will be. He thinks he's using her as a crutch. And I really liked that analogy! I asked him why I would possibly take a crutch away from someone who needed it. that's when we got to the point of prolonging the inevitable.
Last night, I remembered something D had mentioned in relation to Sierra. I had told him that she had adjusted well, after the first night of anxiety. that she's getting walks, and even going for runs with me or J (well, I didn't tell him the J part!). That she's fine with the kids, doesnt seem skittish ,etc. He said "I'm really surprised. When she would be there with me, she would tolerate the kids, and be ready to leave after an hour." I've ALWAYS said that he projected his own feelings on to her, and this was my proof. Because now, I've seen her for over a week in the absence of him and she's FINE. It's HIM who can only tolerate the kids for an hour and is ready to leave.
It's good to hear that D is talking to you, that he seems more lucid, that he accepted your help with the Disability papers (even if that seems like a lost cause at this point)... however (and you knew there would be a however)... I can see the big circle of chaos and drama and guilt sucking you back in. I understand. I honest to goodness do, because I am JUST LIKE YOU. The guilt can be all consuming. It can eat away at you and you just HAVE to do something, anything to help. I get it. But looking in from the outside, I can see that all of your steps to help, all of your caring and attempts to make him better truly are prolonging the inevitable. J is so right. That's exactly what is happening. If D won't get himself into some sort of treatment and STICK WITH IT, nothing will change. You will be right back where you started in no time, trying to pick up the pieces, sort out his messes, and somehow try to carry on with YOUR life without falling apart. I am all about lending a hand if needed, but to assume responsibility for another adult who doesn't care one iota about themselves... it's just going to drive you mad. You are not responsible for D. He is not your husband. He may be biologically the father of your babies, but he has not been their "Dad" for some time now.
ReplyDeleteThink about the changes you've seen in Sierra over the past week or so. Without D in the picture, she's a different dog. I can see major changes in the eyes of your children over the past several months. S looked so sad for so long and now I see that light and happiness returning. D absolutely projects his feelings onto others. Stepping back into the roll of his caretaker is only going to bring you closer to him and his "feelings"... which will inevitably be projected onto you. I know this all too well from experience. I'm like a different person when I separate myself from all the drama and nonsense of my family. The kids and J deserve the best you... and I feel like D would only bring you down.
It's so hard to care so damn much and feel that gnawing guilt all the time but in this instance, I'd truly put the responsibility on D's brother. You have put up with far too much for far too long. If D was the type of person who would accept help and advice and truly WORK at getting better, my opinion would be different - but he's not that type of person. You know that. How many chances does a person deserve? How many times is a person allowed to stomp on your heart, on the hearts of his children? All of these things matter.
In the end, you have to do what you can live with. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I'm so happy that you have J by your side and he's so understanding, because no matter what choice you make, it won't be easy.