Divorced

I was sitting at work, minding my own business on Wednesday afternoon, when an email from my attorney popped up.

"Judge R entered the Judgment of Dissolution today, so you are officially divorced."

Just like that, it was done. Just like that, I started sobbing, a nasty, ugly cry. I'm sure people could hear me outside of my office. I couldn't stop the tears. They weren't tears of happiness, or even relief. I was so, SO sad.  Despite my STRONG desire to end the marriage, it was still so sad. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a family, the loss of dreams that we had always talked about, places we wanted to visit, where we thought we'd be in 5 years/10 years. It was all gone. All of it.  And shared memories...the days our children were born, relatives deceased (his mom and grandmother, 3 of my grandparents), that any significant other that comes after will never know. Hell, there's a picture of us the day we got married, with both sets of my grandparents. It's so special to me, and I can never hang it on the wall again. A picture of him and his mom at our wedding that is wonderful, that was banished to a drawer along with other wedding memories a year and a half ago. I'll keep those for our kids, of course, but it still hurts to know that that part of my/our life, is over. 

And, I've moved into a new category. I can't check "married" anymore, or even "single." I'm divorced. I don't care really, makes no difference. I don't think one is any better than the other. But still, a new category. 

After I collected myself a bit, I started writing him a letter, but the tears started coming again, so much I couldn't even see the screen. But, I will finish the letter, and send to him. I don't know if he'll read it. But, it will make me feel better. I want him to know I don't think he's a bad person. I know at one time he knew that, but I fear that in his distorted view of everything, he may have forgotten. I want to remind him that he will always be welcome in our children's lives, so long as he is sober. If it's not for 5 years, so be it. But i want him to know that it's ok to contact me to see them. 

I still love him as a person, as the father of my children. If not for him, I wouldn't have the exact 3 that I do. And they are the kids I was meant to have, I firmly believe that. I want the best for him, and if he ever asked for my help, I would jump to give it. 

I think it was a year and eight months ago that I first talked with a therapist about all of this. Even then, I knew in a very small corner of my brain what I wanted the end result to be, I just needed someone to help. I knew I was not meant to be with him for the rest of my life. It didn't feel good anymore, and hadn't for years, to be honest. As I told her my story, she slowly encouraged me to walk down the path that would lead to this day. I fought it at times, but I got here. I ALWAYS said that before I even made the first move toward divorce that I wanted to know that I tried everything to save our marriage (which essentially meant trying everything that I could to save him). I honestly feel like I did. I have no regrets about that, no "what if we'd tried this or done that." Knowing that brings me some peace in this.