"Always keep in the back of your head that I can and will show you the worst ass beating of your life."
I was in shock. J was livid. We didn't really even know what to say. I mean seriously, what do you say? J thought D was referring to me. I thought he was referring to J (since it was a comment on J's post). Regardless...who says that? J sent him a private message. Lovely first contact between the two, don't you think. He let me see each thing he sent before sending. The first was just simply "stay away from her and the kids." There were a few other exchanges, when it came out that the threat was actually to J, not me, and he went in to more detail. We haven't heard anything from him since J's last response. I'm debating a restraining order, but really want to wait until the divorce is final. I don't want anything to hold it up. He's clearly delusional.
And, WHY the threats in the first place? Because J is in my life, and D isn't? The majority of that is his own fault. Because J has more contact with the kids than D does? Again, that's his own doing. There's no logical reason for the anger towards J. None. Also, he e-mailed his cousin privately, basically mother-fucking her because she appears to be on my "side." "I'm family, she's not. We wouldn't have these kids if it weren't for my mom." Referencing the fact that his mom helped us pay for an IVF cycle.
I am ready, just so SO ready to out him. I'm not talking about the mental illness or even the alcoholism, but I want people to know what kind of dad he is. It's been TEN weeks. TEN, since he's seen his kids. At dinner on Sat night, before we saw that message J and I were talking about at what point do I just say enough is enough, and forever deny him access to his kids. And if it got to that point, what would I say, how would I tell them? It's not to that point yet, but J's thought is how much longer can we keep saying that daddy is sick? And he's right. It's a cop-out on my part. And in the back of my mind I wonder what it would do to D to be denied total access. And then I think of his threats. He doesn't deserve my thoughts, but he still gets them, although significantly less and less.
And then there is J, who has been ridiculously supportive since D's little outburst. I've been really overwhelmed and emotional since Sat night, and he's right there. And, just as important, he's held his shit together. I know he's pissed, and has every right. But he's reacting and responding in appropriate ways. I just can't imagine life without him. Ever.
At our new school, they e-mail me each morning with that plan for the day, including topics that will be discussed. Today, the twins are learning how to say dad in french and spanish. I cringed when I saw it, and told J. His response? "They need to teach them how to say step-dad.
I love him, and his goofy sideways hat:)
I saw D's threat when he posted it and wanted to message you with a "WTF?" just like your sis... but I didn't want to upset you any more than I'm sure you already were. I was FLOORED when I saw that. Just floored. D is delusional for sure, we already knew that... but to put a threat out there publicly, toward J who has been so amazing toward you and toward the children he abandoned? Delusional and sick. It actually scared me a bit too and if I were you, I do think that once the divorce is finalized (hope that will be soon!) a restraining order may be necessary. You never know what D might do in a drunken rage.
ReplyDeleteIn many ways I want you to "out" him. I want everyone to know what kind of a person he truly is but then I wonder about the repercussions. Will that make D fly off the handle? Will he do something stupid? I don't know what the right way is to handle all of this. I am amazed again with J and his ability to handle all this craziness with D. He's one in a million and I'm so happy that he is YOURS!
As far as the kids go and what you've been telling them about D's absence from their lives... Here's what I think on the subject. They deserve the truth. Yes, they are very young but I have learned that kids are strong. They are resilient. The truth may be painful but as they grow it will be appreciated. As a child, EVERYTHING was hidden from me. My parents thoughts on the subject was that it was to "protect" us but as adults when the truth came out, all it did was make us resent our parents. We are angry and hurt by the truth being kept from use. You haven't lied to your kids. Daddy IS sick, but it's not what they think. As much as it will hurt their hearts to know that Daddy is choosing to stay away and he's choosing to not be a part of their lives... I'm sure it's just as painful every day for them when they are holding on to that tiny piece of hope that maybe, just maybe today will be the day they get to see him... and they don't see him. With J in their lives now, I think that they are learning what it's like to have an amazing father and I'm sure that somewhere deep down, resentment toward D is building within them. This is all of his doing. They will see that as they get older. What I don't want them to ever feel though is that you were not truthful with them. The thing is though, how do you explain what is happening to children that are so young? I don't know. Above everything else, you need to keep yourself and you babies safe. D has now made it clear that he is totally unstable and in my mind, he doesn't have the right to see his kids.
Stay strong. Lean on J. He loves you AND your children. I know that when the time is right, you will find a way to explain things to the kids.