absolutely no words.

I don't even know how to say this. There is no sugar-coating. He left my babies alone, in the house, by themselves, so he could go to the store to buy alcohol.

Saturday was his birthday. He came over about 10. He played with babies. The twins went down for their nap about 1. S and I left about 1:15 for a baby shower. We got home about 4:15. He seemed fine. It honestly hadn't crossed my mind that he'd been drinking. We had planned an early birthday dinner, so off we went. Dinner went fine. He ordered a glass of wine (ended up having two). I ordered a beer. Why not?!

Later that night I was in the kitchen. I'm not sure why, but it struck me as odd that the trash cans were empty. This was always "his" task, but since moving out, he doesn't typically do it. I briefly thought about checking the dumpster, but it was late, and D had seemed so sober. I wrote it off for then, but definately tucked it away in my mind. Sunday morning, I was taking out trash. I walked over and opened the recycle bin. I saw several small wine boxes. I don't know how to describe them, I'd never even noticed them  until D starting drinking them. There are maybe 1.5-2 glasses of wine in each little container? Honestly, not sure. Anyway, there were several of these. I thought at first that maybe he just cleaned out his car (sad, I know). I saw a plastic store bag and pulled it out.

The receipt was from Saturday, at 2:30 in the afternoon. I honest to GOD thought I was seeing things. SURELY, this was not right. Maybe it was from 4/13/2012. Nope. Maybe it said 4/12 instead of 4/13. Maybe it said 9:30 am, instead of 2:30 pm. Nope.

I took it inside and set it on the counter. I just kept walking past it. Looking at it. Sometimes picking it up, sometimes just staring. I looked at the calendar. Was I SURE that Sat was 4/13. yes, of course it was. It was D's birthday.

Now what to do. Should I call him? No. I wanted to see his reaction in person. He got there about 10. Do I bring it up asap? Do I wait to feel out his mood? He finally walked into the kitchen where the receipt was. I asked him to pick it up and tell me what it was.
D: (after looking). A receipt.
S: A receipt from when?
D. It's a receipt. (crumpling it up and throwing away).
S: Did you take them with you, or did you leave them alone? (he knew he was screwed either way b/c he doesn't have 2 carseats in his car.)
D: They were sleeping.
S: I don't care WHAT they were doing. It's neglect. You need to soak up your time with them today, b/c I cannot promise you the next time you will see them.
Convo over for the time.

I wanted to kick him out, but S was SO looking forward to going to the playground and I very obviously can't take 3 toddlers by myself.

The day was ok. He left about 4. He asked "I guess I don't need to come tomorrow." No. "What about Tuesday?" No.

A few minutes before he left, he mentioned something about not being able to use a bbq grill on our condo deck b/c it's against condo by-laws. I said "leaving your toddlers is against the law too, but that didn't stop you." I saw a switch flip on his face. His wall was up. He walked inside (we'd been on the patio), and then back out again, telling me that he was going to write himself a check. I told him that he was NOT, and that I needed to pay off credit cards before I gave him any more money.

That night, S mentioned something about daddy coming over tomorrow. I told her that we wouldn't be seeing daddy this week. She got this horribly pathetic look on her face; she was fighting the tears. Clearly upset. and very sad. I grabbed her and hugged her. I explained that daddy was doing some things that aren't very nice right now, and that I don't want him in our house. I explained to her that it's my job to keep my babies safe. I told her that I miss daddy too, and that I wish he could spend more time with us, but he can't right now. She said "but my daddy isn't mean." How in the HELL do I respond to that? "I know, baby. Your daddy ISN'T mean, but right now mommy doesn't want him here."

Later, I heard some of my own words coming out of her mouth. "daddy isn't good right now, and mommy will make sure me and babies are safe." WHY in the hell does she have to get drug into this?!

I told Cousin H. She said if it were her, he wouldn't be allowed ANY visitation. I'm not there.yet. But, finally at the point where I don't want him to be alone with them. Our angel, C, who is watching the kids for minimal money, has offered to add the twins one more day each week. So, I'm really down to just needing someone 1/2 day on Monday. I have someone in mind and am working on that.

I'm just done. drained. just when I think it can't get worse. It's NEVER ok to leave kids alone, sleeping or not. But, I could have somehow forgiven if it was to run up and get milk, or some necessity (although what that would be, that couldn't wait the few hours until I got home, I have no idea), but that he went to get ALCOHOL.  That was the tipping point for me. That, and that he had to leave our freaking door UNLOCKED, b/c he doesn't have a key.
He left my two tiny little creatures ALONE in an unlocked house for Gods sake. In what universe is that ok?!?!

I asked him "in what part of your brain do you think that was ok? PLEASE tell me you realize it was wrong." His response was something like "when does what I do EVER make sense."

Believe it or not, I'm still REALLY, I mean REALLY struggling, at taking him away from them. I KNOW it doesn't make sense. That said, I'm full speed ahead at doing so, even though my heart is not completely in it.  What's to stop him from just walking out when they are wide awake, screaming, inconsolable. I'm sure he's thought about it before.

To add a bit of creepiness to the whole story, soon after I found the receipt, I picked up my phone to check my e-mail. I had gotten an e-mail (virus, I'm assuming). The subject was "he won't last." I knew it was most likely a virus, but I was SO intrigued, especially with everything else going on. The text of the e-mail said "There warnt anything to say, He said it was death."  Pretty sure that's a quote from Huck Finn. How's that for creep-tastic?