"How To Save A Life"
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
The lyrics are us, word for word.
I've had so many days of feeling nothing at all, that I think the sadness this song brings is more overwhelming that it would normally be. I still want to save him. But I can't, and I know this. My goal now is to keep my own head above water, and let him try to save himself.
This weekend was good. D was calm. It made it even more clear that the weekend before (and the week preceding that) he had NOT been taking his meds. He was so manic-y. He was a different D this weekend. We took the babies out to play. I'm taking as many pictures of him with them as I can. Not for him, but for them.
I chickened out actually telling him that he couldn't see the babies unsupervised. I sugar-coated it a bit, although I think he got the point. On Sunday, when he asked the plan for this week I told him that the babies were going to C's on Tuesday (a day that he would normally watch them). I told him due to his stunt last weekend, I'd had to make revisions to our routine, and that he was really going to have to prove himself if anything was to change. He just said "I understand. I don't want to fight about it."
It's so sad, but I really don't have any feelings for him whatsoever. I mean, I love him because he helped to give me my children, but it's clear that I'm not IN love with him, and God only knows how long that's been the case. I don't miss him when he leaves. I often curse him, lol. I'm sad that I feel this way, but he's given me no choice. I haven't had a reason to love him in a very long time. And this is SO far from where we started.
Our next mediation appt is on Friday. At this meeting, the mediator should have a plan for us to review. We'll get to make revisions, talk through it all, etc. Hopefully we can kick this into high gear at that point.
D sort of seems to be in denial about the impending separation. I almost feel like to him, since it won't be a technical divorce, that he sees it as LESS of a separation? This weekend on FB, a mutual friend posted a question. D's response to him was "ask my wife...." I don't get it. I'm certainly not going around bragging that he's my husband.
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