I got home last night, trying desperately to NOT have an attitude. Yes, I deserve to have one, but it's not helpful. D's solution (at least he had one, right??!) was that he will stay with us, at our house from Sat-Tues. Days, nights, all of it. If we leave, we'll all go as a family. This will keep him out of trouble (and sober). Two big problems with this:
1) Now that he's finally out I don't want him back!!
2) This will last for all of 3 days before he gets stir crazy.
I know him. It's NOT a solution that will WORK. I did not tell him no, but I hope to god that my expression said there's no way in hell that will happen.
I then went on to remind AGAIN about the mediation agreement. Sober yes, but also AA 2x week, therapy 1x per month. I told him I would tack on 100% med compliant. I wasn't trying to be mean, or rude or controlling, but as we're working through this, as we're LIVING it and I am more pulled back from the situation, I'm seeing the areas that need work (meds, for example).
I asked if he thought that was too much to do, in order to remain in contact with his children. He said YES. I asked what about it seems too much. He said the therapy, and that if it hasn't worked now, it's not going to work, and he only gets 6 sessions and it costs money, blah blah. I reminded him that he can have unlimited sessions, but does need to get pre-authorized every several months. I kept pushing. He started crying and walked out.
He arrived this morning, early, saying that he'd had a panic attack (his first ever) this morning. He thought about calling 911. I told him I wasn't suprised that it was a panic attack, after all that he's dealing with. I find it interesting, and it makes sense, that this is his first, which is also the first time I've REALLY pulled back and forced the issue at hand. Sure, I've verbalized lots of things, but this is the first time I'm really not only sticking to my guns, but continue to push. His poor brain doesn't know what to do.
How are you doing and your anxiety level? At the point you're at now, is when I started having panic attacks. Good job sticking to your guns. It will only HELP him.
ReplyDeleteI agree. So very proud of you for sticking to your guns because it truly is the only way that anything will change. It is what's best for D, even if he doesn't see that right now. I may get angry with him for what he's doing to you and the kids, but I still want the best for him. I want him to wake up and realize that we only get ONE chance at this life and he's just wasting his. Just my opinion here, but I don't think that his "solution" of living there part-time is a good idea AT ALL. Not only is it going to cause chaos, but it is going to confuse the kids, especially S even more. I'm happy to know that you've gained some perspective and through some distance can now see more clearly the areas that need work, etc. It really is all about perspective, isn't it? I know I keep saying it, and I won't stop... I'm very proud of you for being so strong through this. Strong for your kids and strong for yourself. Maybe you don't feel all that strong sometimes, but believe me - YOU ARE! :)
ReplyDeleteWay to go. I, too, am admiring your strength and withitness. Keep telling yourself, "If we keep doing what we are doing, we will keep getting what we are getting!" You are so smart to change what you can about what your bottom line is with D. We can all really only 'control' our own behavior. Our actions and reactions. What D does/how he behaves is totally out of your control in the end. It's good to see you leading...and letting him react to your changes, rather than vice versa.
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