the rings are off

1) S (3) was diagnosed with pneumonia after an ER trip on Thursday night.  D went with me to the ER, because I worded it in such a way that he didn't have a choice. We'd been there several hours when they made the decision to administer saline via IV. He left after the IV was in. There was really no point in him staying, he certainly wasn't HELPING anything. I swear, men as such wimps. I thought he was going to jump out of his skin the entire time the nurses were putting in her IV.  I was there with her, both holding her and holding her DOWN, and I looked over at him and he was just a mess, legs shaking, sweating, etc.  The two of us got home about 12:30 Friday morning. The twins stayed with their sitter C, now titled St. C. How obnoxious is it that he can't even care for his own children over night?

2) I took my wedding/engagement rings off on Friday night...D came over about 5, and stayed until 6:30. He asked his usual "what time do you want me here tomorrow" which is his code for "I'm getting ready to leave." He said "there's only 2 hours until bedtime. I said "exactly, there are only TWO hours, and you can't stay? I am exhausted." I was really fighting to keep my eyes open, after the ER ordeal the night before, and then working all freaking day. Clearly, I guilted him in to staying. Just about that time, all 3 babies started to melt down, while he just sat there and WATCHED me deal with them. I finally got A calmed down and went off to find C and S. I got away from them for a second to see what was going on with A. I watched her try to engage him, try to PLAY with him, and he looked right through her. She kept trying to put a toy on his lap. It kept falling off. She kept picking it up and trying again. She ADORES him. He was like a zombie, giving her NOTHING at all, no reaction whatsoever. I finally told him to leave.

Once he was gone, I went into the S's room where all 3 were playing together. I realized then and there that THEY are my family, and we're on our own. Not that I can't handle it, but D is no longer emotionally present. He did not want to be in our house, had not wanted to be in the ER.

I took my rings off. There, in my 3 year olds room, surrounded by my little and most important people, I took them off. It's weird without them. My fingers are still searching for them. But it's ok. It's actually very freeing. Baby steps.

3) Mothers Day was good, for the most part. D came over about 11, and made a great french toast casserole. I had a feeling he'd been drinking, and noticed it very shortly after he got there. Just something in his eyes, something in his speech...I opted not to ask anything. If he had, he was by no means drunk, and I had no plans to leave the babies with him. I let it go. About 2, I went to rest. S came looking for me, asking me to read a book to her. I asked her to please ask daddy. She came back and said "he isn't in the family room"( the only place he WOULD have been). I bounced out of bed, and found him just coming in from our patio. I asked if he'd been out there drinking. He said "maybe" which is obviously code for "yes." Jesus CHRIST. Just one afternoon, just ONE can he just let it GO, and think about someone else?!