In all, things are going ok. D's ok. According to him, he's drinking less, thanks to one of the new meds he's been on for about a month. Who knows if that's really the case.
He's spending alot of time at our house during the weekends. Mostly, I don't mind. It's good for him; I'm happy for our babies. But I wish to hell that he was responsible enough to just GO somewhere with them. I want to be home. Alone. In a quiet house. Without having to pay someone to watch my kids. The financial factor takes a bit of relaxation from the possibility of being alone.
We went to the zoo last weekend. We ran into my sister and her husband and my nephew. After we left them, D made a comment about M's (sisters husband) lack of work ethic. I stewed on that the ENTIRE time we were there. I let him have it on the way home. Telling him that I didn't want to hear any criticism of ANYONE's work ethic until he looked in the mirror and took a long and honest look at himself. And that shut him up. I was pissed, knowing that my BIL is going to school, and working full time to support his family.
Also, I may have mentioned this before, but he sure is a hell of a lot more frugal with money now that he doesn't have access to my income. Our dog (who stays with him) stinks. He told me he can't afford to get her groomed. he complains about the cost of gas. About how he only has enough savings for 3-4 more months. If he stops and gets food one night (Chinese, for example) to bring to
I've been going along fairly ok, feeling good about things. Then, I started having a convo with our friend in Hawaii, lawyer S. He's been checking on me periodically since my calls to him a few months ago, to prep me for the mediation appointments, wanting to make sure I'm ok. He's going to be "home" for a few weeks this summer, and of course I want to see him. I don't know how to say this exactly, but I feel like there's something just under the surface of our conversations that's leaning to a more than friendly visit, if you know what I mean. Make sense? It's not making me uncomfortable. Confused, maybe.
I finally asked him today if he was letting D know that he would be in town. His response was "No." Then went on to say "You do know I've been friends with you guys because of you not him, right?" Punch to the freaking gut. To me, that may as well have said "you've told me so much bad shit about him, that I have no interest in being his friend anymore." I REALIZE that's not what he said, but that's what I interpreted. I started crying. feeling that, once again, I've single-handedly alienated D from yet another friend/family member just by opening my big mouth and being honest. I told him that and he reminded me that D has only reached out to him one time since he moved to Hawaii.
Anyhoo...back to the meeting up thing. Maybe I'm reading into things, but I feel like, at least if I WANTED something to happen with S, then something WOULD happen with S. The problem is I don't know, lol. He's one of the only true male friends I've ever had. He was our (D's) attorney. He knows most all of our shit. It's nothing I've ever had to really hide from him. And he likes me anyway:) He tells me the truth. He reminded me today, that he once told me that I had married one of my clients. That's honest. We've had so many heart to hearts over the years. He has his own demons, mostly from childhood. He's done alot of work to rid himself of those.
I don't know. Lots to think about. I don't know why suddenly I'm missing a mans attention. Hell, I haven't had it for years (not good attention, anyway). Probably has something to do with the fact that I'm ovulating right now:)
It must be flattering to you to have someone express interest in you, and possibly be willing to comfort and take care of you, as you have had to 'man the fort', and be on your own for so long. (Yes, you were on your own, even though you were still living with your husband, as he was really 'absent' from your relationship.) However, my advice to you is... this just isn't the time to get involved with anyone!! It's time for you to deal with your issues at hand, and to get on your own, be strong on your own. Truly figure out what you want out of life and where you want your life to go. As tempting as it is to have someone 'look after you', the timing is all wrong. You may be jumping from the pot into the frying pan. Many women do this...especially when times are tough! It's a big mistake. Don't get involved in another relationship when you are emotionally challenged and stressed out. Wait until you are strong, and in a good space. If it's meant to be, it will happen then. Would you want to get involved with a man who was in your situation (dealing with an alcoholic spouse, a marital break-up etc.). We all need to be in a healthy space so that we can bring our best selves to a relationship. It then has a chance. Again, just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this post for a few days now, trying to gather my thoughts, find the right words... but S in SK has put it all out there. Everything I was trying to figure out how to say! I couldn't agree more. I love that you haven't totally closed your heart to the possibility of another relationship, you shouldn't... but I think that now is not the time. I agree that if it is meant to happen, it will - in time - and if he is worth it, he will wait. You are still young. You are beautiful. Heck, you're not dead! Of course you are enjoying the attention of a man... but take a little time for yourself. A moment to breathe. A moment to get used to being on your own and realizing that you CAN do it. The time will come when you feel emotionally ready and there won't even be a question. That "punch to the gut" feeling and crying after conversations just shows me that you still have a lot to work through (and you will get through it!). Take care of yourself now and in the future you'll be ready for the HEALTHY relationship you so deeply deserve.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm the devil's advocate here, but I've been in your shoes. From what I read, I don't think you're looking for a relationship with S, just looking for some positive attention and a friend with whom you can enjoy some time with. I don't see anything wrong with that. I do agree with the comments above, that it's not time to start a new relationship, even if you do, it'll still be so hard. So take things slow, have fun, and you will know when the time is right to start something serious.
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