UGHHHH!!! Hate this so much.
D had his psych appointment on Monday. She is not your typical psychiatrist. She usually spend at least 10-15 minutes in conversations with us, checking on how things are going. She's definately not just a prescription dr. D hadn't seen her since Nov, so he was updating her on the (failed) out-patient treatment he had, as well as the in-patient. They talked quite a bit about his new meds as well. This part of the convo easily took 15 minutes. Then, she started asking him the usual questions about how he's been feeling. His response, FIFTEEN minutes into the convo, was "pretty good, under the circumstances, since we're getting a legal separation." Said in the same tone as "I'm just going to run up to the store for some milk." No.big.deal. She said "You're getting a legal SEPARATION??" Like, "hold the freaking phone dude, you are just now telling me this?!"
He did the same thing right after his mom died. At his first appt after her death, it wasn't until they were wrapping up their convo when I said "um, are you going to tell her what ELSE is going on?" "Huh, what?" "Um, you know. Your mom DIED. And you had to identify her body."
Anyhoo, once that was out, she looked at him and asked what he was going to do. Prior to him spilling these beans, I was sitting next to him, an anxious bundle of nerves as she's throwing out suggestions like "what about another outpatient" "what about a 90 day inpatient." I just wanted to jump up and down and yell IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT IT TO WORK!!!!!!!!!
Once it was all out of the table, she really went after him in a pretty aggressive way. "What are you going to do now? You've already lost the jobs you loved. Now, you're getting ready to lose your marriage. What is going to make it stop?" D: "I don't know."
Thats when I just couldn't hold my tongue anymore. I looked at him and said "remember when the attorney asked you what was more important, being a father to your children or a bottle of wine. YOU COULDN'T ANSWER." I was almost in tears by that time, but the anger I had for him right then and there stopped them. After I said that she just looked at him. She had no words. Then, I told her that he's allowed to see them only at my discretion, and that I have a breathylzer that I can administer at any time.
Then, she moved to the "what do you DO all day? How much are you drinking? (He admitted to either a 1/5 of vodka, or 3 bottles of wine.) It can't feel good to sit there all by yourself." I could FEEL him internalizing this. I was internalizing it FOR him. He held it together fairly well.
He didn't start crying until I brought up the panic attack that he'd had.
I asked point blank if he was suicidal and he said no.
After we left and were getting on the elevator he said "let's talk about how fucked up D is." I could sense a binge coming on.
He called me the next morning at 9:30 and told me he'd been throwing up and thought he had the Norovirus. Whatever. I told him he could be right, but that I suspected it was more psychosomatic than anything. He didn't disagree. I called him last night to ask how he was and see if he would be coming over today (Wed). I was trying to make plans. He was drunk, and from the slurring, had been drinking heavily for quite awhile. He said he wouldn't be coming over today. PISSED me off, b/c this is the one day a week that S is home and he can see her. I asked when we could expect to see him and he said "um, this weekend I guess. Why do you need something?" Whatever, dude.
I just have a bad feeling. I hate this feeling.
You have done more than enough to help him. You have tried and tried to get him help, to hold his hand, to walk him through this life... only to have him shut down, give up and give in to the alcohol. I know it hurts. I know you hate this feeling... but YOU have done all that YOU can do. It's not easy to walk away, especially since D has been a huge part of your life for so long and is the father of your children - but you cannot let him consume your thoughts, your feelings, your life. You've said it yourself, he doesn't want help. If he did, it's right there waiting for him. But he doesn't. He'd rather wallow in his own self pity, drown himself in a bottle and make your life miserable in the process. You can't let him have that kind of power over you. Don't let his demons win. Of course you can't just turn a switch off and say "Eff it - I'm done!" but you can make the conscious decision to distance yourself. I know you don't want the kids to be without their father, but that is his choice. He knows when S is going to be around and when he can see her, yet he chooses otherwise. Enough! I'm so pissed at him and I'm so hurt for you. All of this sucks. I recently read a quote that I wanted to share with you:
ReplyDelete"It's ok if you don't know how much more you can handle. It's fine if you don't know what to do next. Eventually, you will let go of how things 'should' be and start to see possibilities based on reality. It's YOUR life. Grasp the steering wheel and force yourself to pay attention to where you are going." ~Wendy Keller
It's time to take full control of the situation and move forward. D just keeps dragging you down, pulling you backward into the life that you are so desperately trying to get away from, to protect your children from. Every time he goes on a binge, doesn't show up to see his kids, does some sort of stupid & dangerous thing, he's controlling things. He's dictating your life. He's winning. Don't let him win.