the back and forth

It's amazing to me how I still go from love (in a diff way obviously) to hate, and all the little stops in between.
I saw a pin on Pinterest this morning that floored me. It's one of those that hit right *there.*
I suppose, on some level, I KNEW that ultimately it wouldn't work between us. I was raised witnessing relationships (parents, both sets of grandparents, etc) that stayed together, no matter what. All in all, 3 very good relationships to have as models. When I met D, I guess I assumed that although there were issues, we would weather any storm, because that's what you did.

I had to shovel a massive amount of snow yesterday. I don't think since D moved out that I have ever had that woe is me attitude. That's just not my personality. Now cursing, and being pissed off, YES. Every Thursday night when I drag the dumpsters to the curb I curse him. When I was dealing with infertility, I handled it much the same as I did D. Head down, trudging through, knowing that I would see the other side.

As I was shoveling yesterday, my 3 kids inside, hoping against hope that the TV would entice them enough while I was outside, I said a silent "thank you" to D. Despite all the crap, my relationship with him, and its demise, taught me that I can do anything. ANYTHING.  Yes, I have no choice, but that's not necessarily the way I see it. It's proving to myself that I can do whatever needs to be done. Of course, this does not bode well for any guy that may come AFTER D, lol.

It feels like a really big step to have reached the point where I was thankful.

But really, what the words below mean to me is that without D I would not have the 3 wonderful little people that I have. I may have had others (or not), but they would not be the three that made me a mother. For this, I will be thankful to him always. And now I'm crying.

And then, on the flip side, is the fact that he has not been to see his kids since Thursday night (it's Tues). He promised S that he would see her on Saturday. She reminded me on Saturday that he would be there, and I was hopeful, but I played it off with a "we'll see."

Later that afternoon, while the twins were sleeping, she looked at me and said "I guess he's not coming after all." My heart broke for her. Shattered. I'm crying again. FUCKER. He still hasn't made contact with me. I know he's alive b/c he's logged on to FB. GOD, I just want to tell him he can't see her. But what will that do to her? Or him, for that matter. It might kill him, literally. And, because he's a stubborn ass, he'd fight me on it, telling me that legally he can see her. It would be such a mess. But what sort of mess is he creating in that little head of hers? I'm trying to pick up the pieces from this horrible mess he is making, but I can't pick them all up. S is holding on to the stuff. That's her personality. She's serious, and takes things to heart, and is easily hurt, emotionally.

raising another man's kids

D has been doing well, (not drinking-wise, NEVER drinking-wise), but mental health-wise things are better. I knew it would happen with Christmas out of the way. In addition to getting past the holidays, who also told me last weekend that when he went to order new meds, he realized he'd been out of two KEY meds for 2-3 weeks (that was an estimate).  I knew it. I KNEW it. His spiral (increased anxiety and depression) caught me attention a few weeks ago and I asked about his meds. He said he was taking them all. It's part of the illness. He wasn't trying to LIE about it., he thought he WAS taking them all. But, it answers a lot of questions.

Last weekend, we had some good conversations, not about us, but just in general. More than just him ranting about sports or something he saw on CNN. He came over on NYE, sober, and stayed for a few hours. As he was getting ready to leave, I was in S's room playing with all 3 babies. Is it weird I still call them babies, lol?!?! I asked what he was doing that night, and he said going home and planning to be asleep by 10. He reminded me that his only "going out" friend had moved out of state. He said something about going back to his little cave and chilling on the couch. I asked if he was fine with that and he said "actually, yes I am. It works for me." I oddly enough felt a bit of relief to hear him say that. It made it seem like I hadn't forced him into that lifestyle (even though I know I didn't).

Somehow, I have no idea how, we started talking about kids, generally. He said "I could never raise another man's kids." I just looked at him. My mouth must have been hanging open. There were sarcastic comments swimming in my head. But, then I shut my mouth. I realized his comment was not directed at me. As usual, in the narcissistic attitude of an addict, it was all about him. He had no idea that he had just pissed me off, scared me to death and made me anxious all at the same time.

I'm getting close to being ready to maybe THINK about trying to date. Maybe. But then, there's the question...who wants someone with 3 little ones trailing along behind her. I had never thought seriously about this, until D made the comment. It was honesty at its best, from a man. And I'm sure he's not the only one to think that way.

Way to set me up, asshole.