Starting with D (just to get his ass out of the way)...He came over on Friday to help me because I had all 3 kids at home all day. Things were ok. I did notice that he mentioned something to S about "our" neighbors, when she saw someone walk by. Um, no. Not your neighbors. MY neighbors. Before he left last Tues, he had asked if I'd help him with his timesheet...I told him that I would, if he could prove to me that he had started the application process for healthcare.
On Friday, he told me he'd hit a road block with healthcare app and that he could only choose married or divorced, and that married was much more expensive. Duh. Select the divorce box. He said he didn't want to commit fraud. What the fuck ever. CHOOSE DIVORCE.
He showed up on Saturday 45 minute late. I had scheduled a last minute haircut, giving him a chance to stay with the kids for less than an hour. I bet you can guess what's coming...by the time I got back from the appt, he was "acting funny." Moving more slowly. I asked him to help get kids in their coats so we could leave for a party. He handed A a coat that was two years old and clearly wouldn't fit. Didn't seem to understand my frustration. Put S in the car without a coat entirely. I had a feeling he was drunk and grabbed the breathalyzer as I headed out the door. He refused to take it. He was absolutely useless at the party. I may as well have been by myself. Fast forward a few hours and we were home, babies were playing and he was passed out on the couch, MY couch, snoring. I checked the trash and found a gator-ade bottle that had a bit of VODKA left in the bottom. I realized then that he had walked in with it, as he usually does with some sort of juice, gatorade, etc. S had asked if she could have a drink and he told he she couldn't because he had a cold. He's usually happy to share with her.
BASTARD. BASTARD. BASTARD. And, ridiculously naive me. I am literally sitting here shaking my head from my own stupidity.
I'm just so done. Again. Almost done with him as a person. He has no regard for anyone, not even himself.
Enough about that, as I'm starting to get worked up again.
I had three dates this weekend. Two with Justin (Thur and Sat) and one with Shane (Fri). Well....major change of events. Remember the chemistry I didn't think I had with Justin? Well, I found it:) I had really walked into the date on Thursday thinking it would be the last one, even thought I DO like him. Gotta have some chemistry, you know. We met for dinner and it was great. I just really like BEING with him. He makes me feel happy. I was sort of sad that I wouldn't see him again, and not really sure how to tell him. And then he kissed me...and it was SO much better than the first one:)
Fri I met Shane for dinner. Ugh. It was fine, but he's just so fundamentally different than me. He's also pushy and really really direct. He asked me to be his girlfriend! Weird. To me anyway. I totally skirted the issue and never responded. He told me how much money he made. It was all just awkward. I hit me that I do not need to try to force anything, I can choose to be with who I want, and if it feels this odd now, it's only going to get worse. So, we did kiss afterwards, and made tentative plans for next weekend, only b/c I couldn't tell him no. I know. Horrible. I left and immediately called Justin and talked to him all the way home. I WANTED to talk to him. That says something, I think. I got a text from him Sat morning...ur soooooo hot. Ewww. Yuck. I didn't even respond. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? Maybe if I liked him more, I wouldn't have minded, but just yuck.
Sat was Justin again. He's going to install a new ceiling fan for me, so we went shopping for one, and then out to dinner. I hadn't totally made up my mind about Shane yet, although it was clear he had lost a lot of ground lol. But, Justin and I were having dinner, sitting at a bar eating, him eating a greasy cheeseburger and me eating a corned beef sandwich, sharing onion rings. It was comfortable, I didn't care if I spilled something, I didn't care if he saw me scarfing the onion rings, lol. That's when I knew Shane was officially out of the game:) We left dinner and went to a different bar for a beer. And side note: I cannot say how absolutely awesome it is to actually have a drink with a guy that is not going to turn into a drunk fest. He's completely responsible with his drinking. We left that bar and headed to another and never made it inside lol. Lots of kissing:) And hugs...and just feeling SAFE. I have not felt that for a very long time.
He's been very open with his feelings from the start. I'm still skittish, and scared, and not wanting to give up any control (and he knows that and gets it), but I'm also feeling that starting to crumble a bit. I've found myself doing/saying something that I was thinking, that I know would make him smile, that I wouldn't have actually said before, JUST to make him smile. AND, I just literally looked over at my phone to see a text from him and I smiled:)
He made an observation on the phone last night. Something about how my profile is so direct (for lack of a better word), that my first paragraph mentions three young kids and don't bother to respond if that's in any way an issue. Then, apparently in one of my very first e-mails to him, I told him their ages and gave him the out to "run while he could." He's really intuitive. He mentioned both of these things and then a few other smaller things that I'd mentioned about my kids and caring for them and their importance to me, and it hit me that all of that stems from D. Although I framed it in a different way, I don't want to find someone else who's just going to leave me (again). I'm pushing people away without ever giving them the chance. It was eye-opening for me.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
anger
Well, I said I'd keep updating, lol. D PISSED me off last night. I was already sort of on edge when I got home last night, although I can't pinpoint why. D was waiting for me when we got home. We walked in the door and the twins started melting down. He kept trying to talk to me, talking/yelling OVER their meltdown. All I cared about was getting their dinner ready. He kept talking. I kept ignoring him. Finally, all was quiet while the tiny little mouths were eating. Then, S asked for some ketchup. I pulled it out of the fridge and handed it to D to give to her. He simply put the bottle on the table. Um, do I REALLY have to ASK him to actually squirt it on her plate for her? Apparently, yes I do. THEN, he said "this ketchup is nasty. I wouldn't eat this, I'm not giving it to her." He threw it away. In my defense, we don't use ketchup really and it was odd that she even asked for it. Yes, it WAS old.
Anyway, that sent me over the ledge. He started talking about sports again. I interrupted him to ask if he'd looked into the health insurance. No, of course he hadn't. I reminded him the clock is ticking. I got his typical "don't nag me. If you nag me I won't do it." Fine, as of March 31 you won't have insurance (this is a complete lie and I'm not sure why/how it came out of my mouth, lol). He said "fine, so be it." I asked if he wanted me to do it for him. NO.
It is just truly BEYOND me how this is not a priority for him. He told me again this weekend that without my insurance (assuming he doesn't get his own), he will stop his meds. Now THAT will certainly benefit him:-/
We finally dropped it, b/c neither one of us would win. Then, before he left he told me that he couldn't believe that because his original disability application is over 6 months old that he has to do a new one. UM, WHAT THE HELL ELSE DOES HE HAVE TO DO???
Anyway, that sent me over the ledge. He started talking about sports again. I interrupted him to ask if he'd looked into the health insurance. No, of course he hadn't. I reminded him the clock is ticking. I got his typical "don't nag me. If you nag me I won't do it." Fine, as of March 31 you won't have insurance (this is a complete lie and I'm not sure why/how it came out of my mouth, lol). He said "fine, so be it." I asked if he wanted me to do it for him. NO.
It is just truly BEYOND me how this is not a priority for him. He told me again this weekend that without my insurance (assuming he doesn't get his own), he will stop his meds. Now THAT will certainly benefit him:-/
We finally dropped it, b/c neither one of us would win. Then, before he left he told me that he couldn't believe that because his original disability application is over 6 months old that he has to do a new one. UM, WHAT THE HELL ELSE DOES HE HAVE TO DO???
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
I'm still here...loads of updates...
Life gets in the way of blogging. And, sometimes the things I want to write about are too difficult, and so I pretend that this blog doesn't exist so I don't have to put it in writing. And then, there are times that there is SO much to say I don't think I can possibly get it all down.
Many, many updates.
D first.
He's surviving. Lately, things have seemed better for him. Although, on FB last night he posted "lonely" sometime after 11 pm. I felt sorry for him for a quick second, and then switched to the "it's your fault, jerk" mentality. He had a psych appt 2 weeks ago that he missed. I have no idea if it's been rescheduled. He had a rough time physically last week, trying to detox on his own, lots of puking/shaking. All I said was "take care of yourself." It's to the point where I just honestly don't care. I mean, I care about him as a human, and as my kids father, but beyond that, he may as well just be a random person to me.
We had a talk about moving to divorce this weekend. I reminded him again that I feel strongly that the reason he was denied disability the first time is b/c my income is being included as his. I told him the only way to get around this is to actually divorce. It was easier for me to frame it this way, than to take personal responsibility for wanting to do it. I told him he has about 10 days left to apply for insurance through Marketplace. He balked at paying an insurance premium, but I reminded him that even though he'd have to pay a premium, once he DOES get disability (he will), that he'll have that extra "income." Not to mention, I'll get some portion for each of my kids. It will help me as well. So, I sent him away with instructions to research insurance plans through Marketplace. I told him I would help in whatever way I could. He's supposed to come over tonight so we'll see.
If he hasn't done any research, I will create an account for him, and get some quotes. Enabling? Maybe. But, we're also down to the wire, and I have a goal to meet. If he doesn't get on now, he'll have to wait for open enrollment in late Fall. I don't want to wait that long, and I don't want him to be without insurance.
Next up, boy 1 (Jason).
This is the guy I reported on in my last post. LOL, he is SO history;) He's officially re-bound boy, and I am SO fine with it. He was a very good re-entry into this dating world, and ending that "relationship" taught me some lessons, for which I am thankful. It started out with him liking ME more. Seriously, sending these e-mail paragraphs the morning after our first date about all of the "foreshadowing" he was doing about "us." Those freaked me the F OUT, although i didn't say anything. Then, it gradually moved to ME liking HIM more. And then, he started getting more high maintenance. He complained that he felt that he always needed to keep the convo going. Clearly, he has issues with silence, it creates some sort of anxiety for him. He felt he always needed to be "on." He's an engineer, been laid off since early December. There's some history of depression, and he takes a med. I feel REALLY strongly that he was showing signs of depression, but they were manifesting in physical ways, not emotional. Lots of headaches; things that could be explained away as anxiety. It was making ME really anxious...and I had that anxious feeling come up that was TOO familiar of my life with D. I couldn't deal with it, was getting obsessive. It was not pretty. Ultimately, he started the break and we had a lot of back and forth via e-mail and eventually ended it. I was sort of upset for a day or two, but more than that, my anxiety was gone once he started to fade away. Fine with me.
Then, boy A (Justin) and boy B (Shane)
I "met" both at about the same time. they are night and day different, and apparently I'm dating both of them, lol. Which feels weird, really weird.
Justin: carpenter, has a 4 yr old 3 weeks younger than S. Ridiculously nice, and funny. He makes me laugh. We talked on the phone for about 5 hours before we met (split by 3 calls). We met for a beer about 3 weeks ago. Let's just say I was disappointed in looks...not exactly like the pics online. I wasn't disappointed by his looks necessarily, but because the chemistry was not 100% there for me. We hung out for about 1.5 hours. Despite my disappointment, I felt like there was "enough" there to see him again. (He made it clear he wanted to). Long story short, we've gone running twice, once last week and once the week before. We text daily, talk about every other night, for an hour or so.
He likes me. It's clear. I haven't led him on, I hope. He randomly sends me a text that says "I like you." I respond with a smiley face, no more. After our first run, he asked me out again, and I sort of put him off. I just wasn't sure. BUT, each time I talk to him, I still feel like there's enough to keep me wanting to spend time with him. Last Friday, I had a text drafted to send to him that (very nicely) stated that I didn't think I was feeling it as much as he was. I just feel like he needs to know...to be fair to him. I don't want to waste his time. Before I could hit send, he called me to see when he could see me again. So, we're having dinner Thurs night. We kissed after the second run. It was ok, but didn't knock my socks off...not that it should have, lol, but I was hoping for more.
One of the things I like MOST about him is what I know will/would drive me insane down the road. He is HAPPY with where he is in life. I don't in anyway think he is unmotivated, but there is no ambition for more...whatever more might be. This will annoy the crap out of me eventually. Between seeing my dad's ambition for so many years, and D's LACK of ambition....I know that I need a guy that has this. And, it's pretty fundamental, I think. It's there or it's not. It may be a false sense of security for me, but after being the responsible one, the bread-winner for SO many years, I would LOVE to know that someone else COULD take care of me (and my kids) if the situation ever happened. And no, I'm not planning on marriage for a long while, but I also don't want to put myself (and someone else) knowingly in a serious relationship that I think might not work.
Shane: he has his PhD in computational chemistry. He's a software developer. He is uber ambitious/highly motivated in his job. We talked about 45 minutes before our first date. The joke among my friends is that he's on the prowl for wife #3. YEs, that's right, he's been divorced twice. I won't go into details now, but they both seem to make sense to me. 15 year old son with wife #1, who currently lives with him full time. 4 and 6 year old with wife #2, who he sees almost 50% of the time.
I most definitely didn't have that connection with him that I had with Justin before we met, but that could also be b/c we talked much less. My first impression of him in person was "omg, he is fit. Look at that body." LOL. His pics didn't do his body justice:) Not as tall as I'd like, but made up for it in other ways. THEN, we sat down and he immediately starts talking about eating healthy. I'm thinking WTF is up with this. If he's so fit and so health-conscious, WHY wouldn't he have mentioned that in his profile or on the phone with me. I might not have agreed to meet him. I thought "there is no way this guy can deal with my cheese and Nutella addiction."
Long story short, the lunch went better than I expected. He asked me out again. I said yes, mostly for the same reason I said yes to Justin after the first time. Despite the "health" stuff, I was intrigued enough to see him again. So we met out at a bar a week later. It was SUPER fun. We played pool, we talked. I could feel myself liking him more and more and more. He walked me to my car and we kissed, and kissed and kissed, and kept kissing. It was good:) We're going out again on Friday night.
He's really smart, and really intense and really direct. It's not intimidating necessarily, but it feels a bit odd. He's also a bit socially awkward...just in things he says...which sort of goes hand in hand with being super smart, I think.
There are definately some things we need to talk about, prior to this moving forward (if it will). All of the food stuff...I feel like he might have food issues of some sort, which I can deal with if they are on him. BUT, if he's going to put judgement on me, it clearly won't work b/c this girl LOVES to eat. Also, both of his ex's were stay at home moms. He knows I have a good job, it doesn't seem to be an issue for him, but we need to explore that more.
Side note: As I think of these three guys (esp Jason and Justin), it makes me resent D in a new way. The conversations, the willingness to talk/discuss issues. I had no idea that was even possible with a guy. I feel like I've lost out of so much...so many years being roommates with little to no connection in any other way.
So that's the quick and dirty of my love life. Now that I have the basics down, I will do my best to keep updating. Perhaps this needs to morph into a dating blog:) Oh, and what the hell, here are some pics...Shane...
Justin...
Many, many updates.
D first.
He's surviving. Lately, things have seemed better for him. Although, on FB last night he posted "lonely" sometime after 11 pm. I felt sorry for him for a quick second, and then switched to the "it's your fault, jerk" mentality. He had a psych appt 2 weeks ago that he missed. I have no idea if it's been rescheduled. He had a rough time physically last week, trying to detox on his own, lots of puking/shaking. All I said was "take care of yourself." It's to the point where I just honestly don't care. I mean, I care about him as a human, and as my kids father, but beyond that, he may as well just be a random person to me.
We had a talk about moving to divorce this weekend. I reminded him again that I feel strongly that the reason he was denied disability the first time is b/c my income is being included as his. I told him the only way to get around this is to actually divorce. It was easier for me to frame it this way, than to take personal responsibility for wanting to do it. I told him he has about 10 days left to apply for insurance through Marketplace. He balked at paying an insurance premium, but I reminded him that even though he'd have to pay a premium, once he DOES get disability (he will), that he'll have that extra "income." Not to mention, I'll get some portion for each of my kids. It will help me as well. So, I sent him away with instructions to research insurance plans through Marketplace. I told him I would help in whatever way I could. He's supposed to come over tonight so we'll see.
If he hasn't done any research, I will create an account for him, and get some quotes. Enabling? Maybe. But, we're also down to the wire, and I have a goal to meet. If he doesn't get on now, he'll have to wait for open enrollment in late Fall. I don't want to wait that long, and I don't want him to be without insurance.
Next up, boy 1 (Jason).
This is the guy I reported on in my last post. LOL, he is SO history;) He's officially re-bound boy, and I am SO fine with it. He was a very good re-entry into this dating world, and ending that "relationship" taught me some lessons, for which I am thankful. It started out with him liking ME more. Seriously, sending these e-mail paragraphs the morning after our first date about all of the "foreshadowing" he was doing about "us." Those freaked me the F OUT, although i didn't say anything. Then, it gradually moved to ME liking HIM more. And then, he started getting more high maintenance. He complained that he felt that he always needed to keep the convo going. Clearly, he has issues with silence, it creates some sort of anxiety for him. He felt he always needed to be "on." He's an engineer, been laid off since early December. There's some history of depression, and he takes a med. I feel REALLY strongly that he was showing signs of depression, but they were manifesting in physical ways, not emotional. Lots of headaches; things that could be explained away as anxiety. It was making ME really anxious...and I had that anxious feeling come up that was TOO familiar of my life with D. I couldn't deal with it, was getting obsessive. It was not pretty. Ultimately, he started the break and we had a lot of back and forth via e-mail and eventually ended it. I was sort of upset for a day or two, but more than that, my anxiety was gone once he started to fade away. Fine with me.
Then, boy A (Justin) and boy B (Shane)
I "met" both at about the same time. they are night and day different, and apparently I'm dating both of them, lol. Which feels weird, really weird.
Justin: carpenter, has a 4 yr old 3 weeks younger than S. Ridiculously nice, and funny. He makes me laugh. We talked on the phone for about 5 hours before we met (split by 3 calls). We met for a beer about 3 weeks ago. Let's just say I was disappointed in looks...not exactly like the pics online. I wasn't disappointed by his looks necessarily, but because the chemistry was not 100% there for me. We hung out for about 1.5 hours. Despite my disappointment, I felt like there was "enough" there to see him again. (He made it clear he wanted to). Long story short, we've gone running twice, once last week and once the week before. We text daily, talk about every other night, for an hour or so.
He likes me. It's clear. I haven't led him on, I hope. He randomly sends me a text that says "I like you." I respond with a smiley face, no more. After our first run, he asked me out again, and I sort of put him off. I just wasn't sure. BUT, each time I talk to him, I still feel like there's enough to keep me wanting to spend time with him. Last Friday, I had a text drafted to send to him that (very nicely) stated that I didn't think I was feeling it as much as he was. I just feel like he needs to know...to be fair to him. I don't want to waste his time. Before I could hit send, he called me to see when he could see me again. So, we're having dinner Thurs night. We kissed after the second run. It was ok, but didn't knock my socks off...not that it should have, lol, but I was hoping for more.
One of the things I like MOST about him is what I know will/would drive me insane down the road. He is HAPPY with where he is in life. I don't in anyway think he is unmotivated, but there is no ambition for more...whatever more might be. This will annoy the crap out of me eventually. Between seeing my dad's ambition for so many years, and D's LACK of ambition....I know that I need a guy that has this. And, it's pretty fundamental, I think. It's there or it's not. It may be a false sense of security for me, but after being the responsible one, the bread-winner for SO many years, I would LOVE to know that someone else COULD take care of me (and my kids) if the situation ever happened. And no, I'm not planning on marriage for a long while, but I also don't want to put myself (and someone else) knowingly in a serious relationship that I think might not work.
Shane: he has his PhD in computational chemistry. He's a software developer. He is uber ambitious/highly motivated in his job. We talked about 45 minutes before our first date. The joke among my friends is that he's on the prowl for wife #3. YEs, that's right, he's been divorced twice. I won't go into details now, but they both seem to make sense to me. 15 year old son with wife #1, who currently lives with him full time. 4 and 6 year old with wife #2, who he sees almost 50% of the time.
I most definitely didn't have that connection with him that I had with Justin before we met, but that could also be b/c we talked much less. My first impression of him in person was "omg, he is fit. Look at that body." LOL. His pics didn't do his body justice:) Not as tall as I'd like, but made up for it in other ways. THEN, we sat down and he immediately starts talking about eating healthy. I'm thinking WTF is up with this. If he's so fit and so health-conscious, WHY wouldn't he have mentioned that in his profile or on the phone with me. I might not have agreed to meet him. I thought "there is no way this guy can deal with my cheese and Nutella addiction."
Long story short, the lunch went better than I expected. He asked me out again. I said yes, mostly for the same reason I said yes to Justin after the first time. Despite the "health" stuff, I was intrigued enough to see him again. So we met out at a bar a week later. It was SUPER fun. We played pool, we talked. I could feel myself liking him more and more and more. He walked me to my car and we kissed, and kissed and kissed, and kept kissing. It was good:) We're going out again on Friday night.
He's really smart, and really intense and really direct. It's not intimidating necessarily, but it feels a bit odd. He's also a bit socially awkward...just in things he says...which sort of goes hand in hand with being super smart, I think.
There are definately some things we need to talk about, prior to this moving forward (if it will). All of the food stuff...I feel like he might have food issues of some sort, which I can deal with if they are on him. BUT, if he's going to put judgement on me, it clearly won't work b/c this girl LOVES to eat. Also, both of his ex's were stay at home moms. He knows I have a good job, it doesn't seem to be an issue for him, but we need to explore that more.
Side note: As I think of these three guys (esp Jason and Justin), it makes me resent D in a new way. The conversations, the willingness to talk/discuss issues. I had no idea that was even possible with a guy. I feel like I've lost out of so much...so many years being roommates with little to no connection in any other way.
So that's the quick and dirty of my love life. Now that I have the basics down, I will do my best to keep updating. Perhaps this needs to morph into a dating blog:) Oh, and what the hell, here are some pics...Shane...
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