I just need to say AGAIN how wonderful he's been in all of this. He has never once questioned my feelings for him, even in those first days after Dan's death. He took care of my kids when I couldn't get out of bed. He let me grieve. He continues to let me grieve. He let me sob on his shirt the day that the cremation happened. He went with me to see Dan's dead body, for God's sake. He gives me random hugs just because he knows I need them.
Currently, I'm having serious issues with my parents. They have behaved very selfishly during this entire situation. I understand it's odd, their ex-son in law dying, and them not knowing what to do. It's very clear my mom doesn't understand why it's hit me so hard. I was talking to Justin last night. I reminded him that my parents don't know he was an alcoholic, and if they did, they're the type to roll their eyes and think it's an excuse for not being strong enough. They certainly wouldn't understand the addict-enabler relationship.
My dad and I had the biggest fight we have ever had, yesterday. It was horrible, and resulted in him hanging up on me. He kept trying to control me and I kept pushing back (I have NEVER done this before) and he didn't know what to do. Anyway, J and I were discussing the situation last night and he just looked at me and said "I am the luckiest man in the world because of someone else's misfortune and sickness." He couldn't get it all out before HE started crying. He told me he felt guilty for his "good fortune" and knows that if Dan had been able to get himself together that he and I would never have met. He said he "I saw the love you have for him. And the support that you gave to him. And I'm just so lucky." Sort of an unspoken, "I know you'd do the same for me."
I am the lucky one. To have met someone who came through this WITH me, with flying colors. He has made the best of a horribly awkward situation, standing right next to me at Dan's memorial service. Meeting Dan's friends, passing THEIR inspection. Loving my kids, Dan's kids, unconditionally.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
a box for daddy
This morning, S & A were up super early. While I was getting ready, they were coloring. I heard A say something about daddy and S said "no, he's not here." I walked out and asked what they were talking about. S told me that A wanted to give daddy the picture she drew and S told her that she couldn't because daddy wasn't here anymore. We all sat right down in the hallway to discuss. I told them that I thought it was a great idea for them to draw pictures for daddy, write notes for daddy, whatever they wanted to do. S questioned me on how he would get them. I told her that she was right, that we couldn't physically give daddy the pictures, but maybe we could make a pretty box that we could put all the things in that we'd like to give to daddy, and that even though he wasn't here in person, he'd know that they were for him. And I said that I thought leaving notes for daddy was a great idea and S excitedly said "like when I want to tell him that I lost my second tooth!!" And I said YES, exactly!!!
And now I'm crying again just thinking about the conversation. All the milestones he will miss, although I know in truth, if he were still here, he'd miss most of them anyway. But, my kids will be cheated out of getting to tell their dad special things.
And now I'm crying again just thinking about the conversation. All the milestones he will miss, although I know in truth, if he were still here, he'd miss most of them anyway. But, my kids will be cheated out of getting to tell their dad special things.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Some days...
Some days, I can get through most of the day with little emotion felt about D. Other days, I am just overwhelmed by it. Those typically are the days when I can "feel" him around me. I realize that sounds crazy. I do. But I can. I woke up this morning early, without an alarm, and realized I'd been dreaming about him. I can never remember my dreams, and I struggled for a bit to remember that one, but to no avail. And it was a mix of him and J; all mixed up together. I remember that much, but that's about it, and I couldn't have sorted it out if I'd tried. But it was a good start to the day, feeling close to him.
I want to see him. I want to see him in my children. I look at C and just stare at him, hoping that some expression of his daddy's will pop up on that sweet face. I can hear his laugh, so clearly. I am comforted knowing that I am touching something that he touched. God, how creepy is that?!?
Two Fridays ago, I took J to the condo for the first time. he's going to help me get it ready to rent and stopped by after dinner for him to get an idea of what would be needed. It was the first time I was there after dark, since I'd lived there. I warned J before we walked in that it was a bit stinky. It was the alcoholic Dan smell. The smell of alcohol leaving his pores when his body couldn't process it any longer, mixed with a bit of sweat. It was the smell of my family room before D started sleeping in the basement. I remember it vividly, how I'd walk in in the morning to wake him and this smell permeated the family room. But now, in a closed up condo, it seemed even more concentrated to me. After we left, I asked him if he smelled anything and he said he did but it wasn't bad, just a bit "sour." He didn't think it was strong at all, but to me, it's all I could smell and it was overwhelming.
I could tell that J seemed a bit uncomfortable there. He told me after the fact that he felt like he was intruding. We were there for about 45 minutes. We were standing, talking about what needed to be done, and he was making some notes. I started looking around and memories came flooding back, good and bad. A lot bad. During the silence I noticed the ticking of a clock on the wall. It was a new clock that he must have purchased, and the tick tocking seemed so LOUD to me. It got to a point when it was all I could focus on. I suddenly felt like I was experiencing what he had. Nightime, silence, except for a ticking clock. And it felt so lonely. He must have been so lonely. He slept in the floor of the living room, next to this ticking clock. I know him well enough to know that must have affected him in some way. I was crying, and told J that we needed to leave. I'd reached my max and couldn't deal anymore.
Last Wed, he and a friend removed the two loveseats from the condo. They were trashed, and they just took them to a dumpster. I knew that I could not be there for that. To me, I was removing part of him from that condo. And I couldn't be present for it. When J got home, sweet Sierra was all over him sniffing. He realized that she must have smelled D on his clothes.
I want to see him. I want to see him in my children. I look at C and just stare at him, hoping that some expression of his daddy's will pop up on that sweet face. I can hear his laugh, so clearly. I am comforted knowing that I am touching something that he touched. God, how creepy is that?!?
Two Fridays ago, I took J to the condo for the first time. he's going to help me get it ready to rent and stopped by after dinner for him to get an idea of what would be needed. It was the first time I was there after dark, since I'd lived there. I warned J before we walked in that it was a bit stinky. It was the alcoholic Dan smell. The smell of alcohol leaving his pores when his body couldn't process it any longer, mixed with a bit of sweat. It was the smell of my family room before D started sleeping in the basement. I remember it vividly, how I'd walk in in the morning to wake him and this smell permeated the family room. But now, in a closed up condo, it seemed even more concentrated to me. After we left, I asked him if he smelled anything and he said he did but it wasn't bad, just a bit "sour." He didn't think it was strong at all, but to me, it's all I could smell and it was overwhelming.
I could tell that J seemed a bit uncomfortable there. He told me after the fact that he felt like he was intruding. We were there for about 45 minutes. We were standing, talking about what needed to be done, and he was making some notes. I started looking around and memories came flooding back, good and bad. A lot bad. During the silence I noticed the ticking of a clock on the wall. It was a new clock that he must have purchased, and the tick tocking seemed so LOUD to me. It got to a point when it was all I could focus on. I suddenly felt like I was experiencing what he had. Nightime, silence, except for a ticking clock. And it felt so lonely. He must have been so lonely. He slept in the floor of the living room, next to this ticking clock. I know him well enough to know that must have affected him in some way. I was crying, and told J that we needed to leave. I'd reached my max and couldn't deal anymore.
Last Wed, he and a friend removed the two loveseats from the condo. They were trashed, and they just took them to a dumpster. I knew that I could not be there for that. To me, I was removing part of him from that condo. And I couldn't be present for it. When J got home, sweet Sierra was all over him sniffing. He realized that she must have smelled D on his clothes.
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