I feel like I've used this title before. I'm using it again, in regards to, you guessed it. D has lost his ever-loving mind.
It had been almost another 3 weeks that went by before he contacting me to see the kids. He left a message that he was "ready to face the music." When I called back, he told me he was ready to be bitched out. I calmly told him that I have no bitching to do, and that I've wasted too much breath on him already. I confirmed his sobriety (7 days), and agreed that he could come over. He walked in to open arms of all 3 babies. I was honestly happy for him that they did that. I was a bit afraid, honestly, that they would be more standoffish. His presence, after all, is getting to be less and less.
The visit went well. He was in a good place, engaged with them, behaving appropriately. I honestly didn't even look at him or talk to him for well over an hour. He finally told me that he'd been sober for 7 days, as he'd had a wake-up call. Apparently he fell, face first, on the sidewalk in front of his condo. He said he barely got up on his own, but did. He was dizzy for 2 days, having to hold on to the wall if he needed to get up for anything.
When he left, Sophie asked if he cold come over the next day, which he deferred to me. I said "probably" knowing that I would let him. Fast forward to the next morning when his brother texted me telling me that he hadn't gotten any work from him in 6 weeks. I called D and asked him about it, remembering that he had told me he was thinking about quitting. Mind you, this is an 8 hour a week job, that he can do from HOME naked, if he wants. He told me he quit. I asked if his brother knew. He said he didn't know. I asked if he had TOLD his brother he quit. No. Then HOW IN THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW?!?! The logic....it's just not there. I pushed him on the job thing for a minute or two, questioning where his money was going to come from. He started shutting down, so I asked if he wanted to come over that night and he said yes. I told him that it was ok with me, but that he should know that J might be there. He said "well then never mind."
Suddenly, I got this very malicious, baiting, question. "So, did you have fun at the game, on your birthday?" referencing that I went to the baseball game with J for my b-day. I said yes, and that it was fun.
Then he said "did you get some?" UM, HELLLOOOO? I actually asked "get some what?" hoping against hope that I had heard him incorrectly. Nope. Get some sex. That's none of your business. Did you? It was your birthday, I assume you did. How is that your business?
Well, you better not get pregnant. HOLD THE PHONE, WHAT?! And how is THAT your business? It's my business. Are you planning that? It's totally my business if you get pregnant, because it will negatively affect my children. Ummmmm.....really....b/c you haven't negatively affected your children?
He hung up after that. WHO does he think he is. I was livid, completely floored, mouth hanging open.
He's completely deluded. I called J and told him about it and he stated the obvious, I just hadn't realized it. He said that D finally realized that he had lost me, and is just pushing back. I don't understand how he could NOT know he had "lost" me by now, but I think J was right. He had planned on being at my house last night, and volunteered to leave so D could be there to see his kids. Under different circumstances, I might have done that, but not after the crap that he pulled.
This is NOT going to be pretty.
Earlier that morning, I'd ask J his thoughts on meeting D, knowing that it will have to happen. Of course his immediate response was "Whenever. Whatever you need me to do." We had already discussed that D is going to have to minimally accept that J is in my life (and not going anywhere). He's at my house ALOT, and if D wants to see his kids, they will run into each other. I'm not going to rearrange MY schedule or what I want to do to cater to D. I've done it for too many years, and I'm done. He's going to have to deal with being uncomfortable. J has offered to support me in whatever I choose to do. He's happy to meet D; he's happy to leave when he comes over. But again, the two of us are on the same page that this is something D will have to get used to.
Of course, I didn't hear from D the rest of the day, and so far today not at all either. I can only imagine that he's drinking again, but maybe not. I hope his fall was the eye-opener he needed.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
The facts
This is hard sometimes. I need to get this out now, or else I'll never be able to work today. To date (9 weeks by the way!), two issues have come up for me with Justin. I will be clear and say they were not issues, but more left-over crap from D, and J was the the lucky recipient. One happened last week when he let me know he'd dumped the ice out of the ice bin and was making fresh ice. He made a comment about how full the freezer was, blah, blah. Dan used to BITCH about the freezer. I took J's extremely innocent comments and twisted them until they were unrecognizable. I started to cry and finally told him that he had ripped off a band-aid and it had nothing to do with him. We talked about it (imagine!), and he was just so damn sweet, telling me he understood why the freezer was so full of chicken nuggets and hotdogs and that he'd help me rearrange the freezer so we could have a full ice bin PLUS all the food in there (instead of taking it to deep freeze in the basement). I was just clearly just PISSED at myself for taking something like that to the level I did, but more so, I was in awe and shock that he wanted to talk about it, figure out a solution, etc.
Last night, we were in my family room watching TV. We were sitting clos-ish, and I was rubbing his arm or something and he fell asleep. It COMPLETELY set me off. It was just a huge flashback (he actually used that word later) to me and D and some other point in time. Once I figured out he was asleep I went and got in bed, totally pissy. The longer he slept the more pissy I got. Let me preface this by saying he'd worked like 10 hours and it was after 10 pm. HELLO, the boy was tired. He finally came into the bedroom and saw that I was upset. We talked a bit, I cried, he held me, it was (mostly) over. There was still some stuff festering in me, but more it was a thought that OMG he's going to think I'm too emotionally needed and decide to bolt, that it's too much for him. I did not admit that to him. I should have and will, maybe next time something like this comes up.
I HATE that D is still doing this crap. Even from far away, he is still controlling part of what I do/feel. I HATE IT. But, I'm so lucky to have J that is helping me work through it.
When I doubt that he'll stick around, I have to remember the facts. A few of the very recent ones are are: he has told his mom and sister about me, as well as his co-workers; he's shown them all pics of me AND my kids, he braved my parents; he tells me he loves me, he SHOWS me he loves me, he bought a Mother's Day card for my kids to sign b/c he knew no one else would, he's talked WAY into the future, we've discussed kids (as in our own...as if), he wants to know the names of all my friends and how we met and what they mean to me. He remembers everything I say and do. He remembers that I was wearing purple eyeshadow and purple scarf on our first date:).
He came to my house with a belated Mother's Day gift, a gift card to a local massage place that I used to go to. He'd overheard me talking to a friend about how it had been so long since I had a massage and how I used to have a "regular" guy that I always went to...so he googled massage places close to me, narrowed them down and took a chance that he was going to the right one. He did! And, after he gave me the card, he CALLED the store to make sure that my guy was still there. Really? Who does this!?!!?
Another super good one. He bought a tablet late last week. We were a the park on Mother's day and he was taking pics of the kids. We were home later, scrolling through the pics, and after those pics were done a few popped up of his son, after that, there were 3 more pictures. He had taken a picture of the birthday card I had given him (it was a sappy one), the front, the inside, and then the area where I wrote my own stuff. I said, very incredulously "you took a pic of the CARD I gave you?" He very simply said "what's wrong with that. I like being able to read it whenever I want."
This morning was the kicker though. Ww were lying in bed, just talking, but mostly just lying there. He said he loved me. Issues still left over from last night, I asked if he was sure (yes, kick me now, I deserve it). He said "I will love you as long as you let me." I was floored. I think that was the most honest and amazing thing that ANYONE has ever said to me. I was speechless. I don't think I ever did respond to it, I mean, how WOULD I respond?
These are the facts I need to remember when reservations about what he is feeling and thoughts that he won't be around long seep into my head.
Sidenote: he left before the kids woke up this morning. After he walked out the door, I went to open the twins door. Avery immediately asked for him and I told her he had to go to work. She ran towards the front door screaming "Justin hug, Justin hug" devastated that she had missed him:(
Last night, we were in my family room watching TV. We were sitting clos-ish, and I was rubbing his arm or something and he fell asleep. It COMPLETELY set me off. It was just a huge flashback (he actually used that word later) to me and D and some other point in time. Once I figured out he was asleep I went and got in bed, totally pissy. The longer he slept the more pissy I got. Let me preface this by saying he'd worked like 10 hours and it was after 10 pm. HELLO, the boy was tired. He finally came into the bedroom and saw that I was upset. We talked a bit, I cried, he held me, it was (mostly) over. There was still some stuff festering in me, but more it was a thought that OMG he's going to think I'm too emotionally needed and decide to bolt, that it's too much for him. I did not admit that to him. I should have and will, maybe next time something like this comes up.
I HATE that D is still doing this crap. Even from far away, he is still controlling part of what I do/feel. I HATE IT. But, I'm so lucky to have J that is helping me work through it.
When I doubt that he'll stick around, I have to remember the facts. A few of the very recent ones are are: he has told his mom and sister about me, as well as his co-workers; he's shown them all pics of me AND my kids, he braved my parents; he tells me he loves me, he SHOWS me he loves me, he bought a Mother's Day card for my kids to sign b/c he knew no one else would, he's talked WAY into the future, we've discussed kids (as in our own...as if), he wants to know the names of all my friends and how we met and what they mean to me. He remembers everything I say and do. He remembers that I was wearing purple eyeshadow and purple scarf on our first date:).
He came to my house with a belated Mother's Day gift, a gift card to a local massage place that I used to go to. He'd overheard me talking to a friend about how it had been so long since I had a massage and how I used to have a "regular" guy that I always went to...so he googled massage places close to me, narrowed them down and took a chance that he was going to the right one. He did! And, after he gave me the card, he CALLED the store to make sure that my guy was still there. Really? Who does this!?!!?
Another super good one. He bought a tablet late last week. We were a the park on Mother's day and he was taking pics of the kids. We were home later, scrolling through the pics, and after those pics were done a few popped up of his son, after that, there were 3 more pictures. He had taken a picture of the birthday card I had given him (it was a sappy one), the front, the inside, and then the area where I wrote my own stuff. I said, very incredulously "you took a pic of the CARD I gave you?" He very simply said "what's wrong with that. I like being able to read it whenever I want."
This morning was the kicker though. Ww were lying in bed, just talking, but mostly just lying there. He said he loved me. Issues still left over from last night, I asked if he was sure (yes, kick me now, I deserve it). He said "I will love you as long as you let me." I was floored. I think that was the most honest and amazing thing that ANYONE has ever said to me. I was speechless. I don't think I ever did respond to it, I mean, how WOULD I respond?
These are the facts I need to remember when reservations about what he is feeling and thoughts that he won't be around long seep into my head.
Sidenote: he left before the kids woke up this morning. After he walked out the door, I went to open the twins door. Avery immediately asked for him and I told her he had to go to work. She ran towards the front door screaming "Justin hug, Justin hug" devastated that she had missed him:(
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
a song, a key and a very peaceful 4 year old
J's birthday was Sunday. We went out to celebrate Saturday, dinner and then out for a drink afterwards. Ahhhh...I just love being with him, lol. He's just so easy to be with, and so easy going. He's seriously like a breath of fresh air. Dinner was awesome, we totally took our time. Appetizers and entrees and a bottle of wine, and dessert. It.was.so.nice. I don't have to worry about being "on" when I'm with him. He's not afraid of PDA...hugs and kisses and just touching:)
After dinner, we were driving, trying to figure out what to do. The J.ohn Le.gend song All of Me came on. He was already holding my hand, but then started SINGING it to me (yes, he can sing). I about died, it was so sweet. We made it to where we were going and went in for a drink. When we got back in the car the same song was on. He asked "is this our song?" Again, so sweet. Then, he basically professed his love for me. He was crying. He was so sincere. What have I done to get so lucky? I do NOT understand.
He spent most of his birthday with his son, but did come over later in the evening, when I gave him his present. Let me tell you, it's TOUGH to think of a gift for someone who is so special to you after such a short time. I ended up getting him two t-shirts (sort of a joke based on an earlier convo), and a bag of his favorite Lindor Truffles. I remember being shocked when I learned it was his favorite candy, totally pegging him for a Hershey bar kind of guy, lol:) I also told him I was getting him a membership to our Zoo, which I could tell he was so appreciative. He and O go there almost every weekend in the summer. Then, he opened his card, which contained a key to my house. Yes, I went there. I had been considering it for awhile, but finally last week a practical reason came up that he needed one. His eyes LIT up when he saw it. Again, so sweet. I asked if he thought it was too soon and he said "not when you know." In addition to the very sappy card, I also wrote my own little paragraph of sappiness which he loved.
He's spent the night every night since Saturday. Monday night, Sophie and Avery were playing before bed and asked J to wrap them up like babies. After the twins went to bed, S asked him to do it again, so he did. He wrapped her up really tightly in a blanket and then sat down with her. She was fighting sleep, her eyes were fluttering. I am not exaggerating when I say I have not seen her that peaceful in at least 6 months, if not a year. Not even when she's sleeping. It was the most intense attention and affection she's gotten from a man in a year and you could tell she needed it. She was perfectly content and he was just staring at her...with love. He looked at me and just smiled. And I melted. Again.
After dinner, we were driving, trying to figure out what to do. The J.ohn Le.gend song All of Me came on. He was already holding my hand, but then started SINGING it to me (yes, he can sing). I about died, it was so sweet. We made it to where we were going and went in for a drink. When we got back in the car the same song was on. He asked "is this our song?" Again, so sweet. Then, he basically professed his love for me. He was crying. He was so sincere. What have I done to get so lucky? I do NOT understand.
He spent most of his birthday with his son, but did come over later in the evening, when I gave him his present. Let me tell you, it's TOUGH to think of a gift for someone who is so special to you after such a short time. I ended up getting him two t-shirts (sort of a joke based on an earlier convo), and a bag of his favorite Lindor Truffles. I remember being shocked when I learned it was his favorite candy, totally pegging him for a Hershey bar kind of guy, lol:) I also told him I was getting him a membership to our Zoo, which I could tell he was so appreciative. He and O go there almost every weekend in the summer. Then, he opened his card, which contained a key to my house. Yes, I went there. I had been considering it for awhile, but finally last week a practical reason came up that he needed one. His eyes LIT up when he saw it. Again, so sweet. I asked if he thought it was too soon and he said "not when you know." In addition to the very sappy card, I also wrote my own little paragraph of sappiness which he loved.
He's spent the night every night since Saturday. Monday night, Sophie and Avery were playing before bed and asked J to wrap them up like babies. After the twins went to bed, S asked him to do it again, so he did. He wrapped her up really tightly in a blanket and then sat down with her. She was fighting sleep, her eyes were fluttering. I am not exaggerating when I say I have not seen her that peaceful in at least 6 months, if not a year. Not even when she's sleeping. It was the most intense attention and affection she's gotten from a man in a year and you could tell she needed it. She was perfectly content and he was just staring at her...with love. He looked at me and just smiled. And I melted. Again.
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